There are some things I’m not ready to forgive. And because of that, I’ve found myself guilty of a lot of things:
- Of being dismissive and cavalier.
- Of not wanting to be nice.
- Of feeling pressured to hug people I don’t want to hug, and being angry about it.
- Of not wanting to get over it just yet – of wanting to feel and process the anger I never let myself acknowledge.
- Of rehashing hurt from many years ago because at the time, I never saw it for what it was. I thought what went on was OK.
- Of not noticing that someone’s concern was toxicity in a fancy dress.
- Of letting someone use my pain as a way to fuel their hate, and not letting myself feel the anger associated with that betrayal until now.
But my biggest issue in all of this is in identifying and acknowledging the truth of how I feel and learning to live with it and by it, under the watchful eye of a wounded society.
Trying to live in this realm that allows me to feel, even though it would be more convenient and “appropriate” if I just hugged someone I don’t want to hug, is tricky territory. And here’s what I’ve learned in meandering it:
We don’t have to let it go just yet. In fact, it’s not up to us. Our hearts choose when it’s time to forgive.
As long as we are aware of the anger and resentment, let ourselves feel it, and acknowledge that it comes from a pain that needs to be felt, we’re going to be ok. One day the anger will dissipate, and we’ll be able to move on without the weight on our hearts.
Again, it’s not up to us. All we can do is continue to allow ourselves to feel how we feel.
And when we do forgive, it doesn’t mean we’ll have to want to hug someone we don’t want to hug.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean welcoming someone who violated our health and heart with open arms back into our lives. No enabling required.
It means one day being able to think of them without clamping your heart shut. And until your body, mind and soul are ready to do that, let yourself be pissed off.