I just got back from vacation where I acquired a tan and some clarity.
Somewhere between the beach days and the exceptional meals, I tapped into some realizations that have me feeling pretty damn good. (Side note: never down play the importance of taking a few days off.)
Over the last couple of years I’m been pretty focused on unwrapping and showcasing what’s underneath all the pretending we do in life.
Social media is one big fake game, what with everyone being obsessed with looking perfect. And perfect isn’t possible, which I know is such an obvious statement but still, here we are as a society, trying to be perfect all the time.
And I am one of those people.
While I am motivated to speak the truth about life and not be fake, I still very much struggle with my ego’s need to be perfect. That goes for looks, career performance, and interpersonal relationships – pretty much everything.
Looks wise, I want to be a conventional beauty and appear a certain way to others, but it’s not possible. I will never look like anyone other than who I look like.
Career wise, I am always thinking about making more money. And in doing so, I am not appreciating how great things are, right here, right now, in this moment.
And I’m forever badgering myself for my perceived failures when it comes to social interactions. If I just let all that shit go, I could be more present for the news ones.
So in trying to be perfect in all areas of my life, I’m forever focusing on ways to improve myself, which takes a lot of energy.
If I just said fuck it and embraced the fact that I’m not ever going to be the way I envision myself being (ie: perfect) I could free up a lot of time spent ruminating on my failures.
If I just admitted I sucked at something, and felt how it felt to suck, I could process the feelings surrounding it and move on.
Clarity this weekend has come in the form of realizing it’s OK to suck at something – that I don’t need to be everything, all the time. And if I embrace the fact that I suck at things, instead of berating myself for my failures all the time, I can focus my efforts on things I am good at. Like writing.
Let me tell you, there is some holy hallelujah relief that comes when you just say “fuck it, that’s not my thing” – and focus your efforts on the stuff you give a shit about and are good at.
So with that in mind, I’ve decided to blast through my fear of not being good enough and share what I suck at, in no particular order.
- I suck at socializing in large groups. OK so it’s not that I completely suck at this on the outside, but on the inside, it’s one of my least favorite things to do. I find it overwhelming AF, and being an uber-empathetic person, it’s just plain hard on me, mentally. I daresay at times it’s a form of torture. So moving forward, if you invite me to a party, I will most likely have a work deadline and won’t be able to make it.
- I suck at being patient. My brain works really quickly; I process ideas and thoughts at a high-speed – faster than most people in my life. Which means I’m waiting for people to catch up to me quite often, and I get really impatient with them at times. Like no joke, I can be a fucking jerk about it. I’ll do the whole dramatic big sigh to let them know they are wasting my time and everything. What an asshole right? Before you start judging me, know that I always end up apologizing, and I don’t act like this all the time. But some days I do, and when I notice it I admit that it’s better for me to not be around people, so as to not spread my jerk germs.
- I suck at being fake. Truth: I get supremely annoyed when I am met with people being fake, particularly if they are people I have known for a long time. I’m talking zero patience for it. And yes I know there are some issues lying underneath that truth, and this obviously isn’t the only scenario that lends itself to me being impatient, but I’ll get to unpacking all that once I unpack my suitcase.
Bonus #4 Thing I suck at:
I suck at optimism. OK so I’m getting better at this, but it’s something I’ve had to religiously work at. I was taught how to be pessimistic from an early age, and then refined my skills over the years. Changing this default view I had of anything and everything in life came about when I got in touch with my emotions. I learned to acknowledge that it feels really shitty to think badly of someone, and it feels really good to think generously, by way of optimism. Still a work in progress, but I’m committed. Disclaimer: I am a realist and know that some people are not capable of being kind or generous, so I still selectively use pessimism as a survival tactic and have zero shame about it. I just generally do my best to view random interactions and people with a positive spin these days, because to constantly do the opposite is to suffer.
So those are the things I suck at. It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a start, and a step towards embracing imperfection, which is my goal.
What do you suck at? What would serve you to just admit you ain’t so great at, instead of beating yourself up over it? Let’s talk about it in the comments. 🙂