well being

crazy uncomfortable truth

May 8, 2017 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

The past few days have been crazy uncomfortable for me.

It hasn’t been bad enough for me to regress and make shitty decisions in an attempt to quell my discomfort. It just had me admitting: “I gotta sort these feelings out because I am not going back down that road.”

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Putting yourself out there is tough, because it opens the door to rejection.

In the thick of emotion, it’s hard to envision someone rejecting your truth as ever being easy to take. Particularly when they do it in grandiose, mean-spirited fashion.

But when you put yourself out there, people might be dicks. And as much as I don’t like it, it’s par for the course.

Sometimes social media is just too much for me. There are days when I wipe my iPhone clean of all apps because I am so not in the right head space to deal with the unpredictability factor. You never know what someone is going to say. It’s like Schrödinger’s cat: until you open up that DM or check that comment, the message is both positive and negative.

So yeah, super uncomfortable stuff, particularly when you start receiving unsettling comments.

I can take logic to that kinda stuff: angry, bitter, aggressive people exist. They don’t like who they are, so they reject people who do.

I mean, why would they want someone to receive acclaim for being who they are, when they loathe their own existence?

But answer me this man: why you so angry?

Actually I can answer that, because I used to be that mean: because there’s no love.

As I said in my Huffington post piece,

When love is missing, a lot of negative stuff comes out of the woodwork: anger, resentment, fear, jealousy.

And here’s a few other things I have learned over the past couple years, and in the days following the publication of that piece:

You being you is contagious, like laughter or yawning, which makes it totally worth the risk.
When you start doing what feels right for you, instead of what will soothe the vintage beliefs of others, you flourish.
You gotta put in the time and effort to get where you want to be, constantly educating yourself, and never settling for the belief that you’ve aged out of needing to know more.
You might have to open up dusty trunks filled with undesirable truths.
Sometimes it’s crawl-outta-your-skin horrible, as in acknowledging the “I am that which I loathe” principle. That’s not a fun one to accept.
If you face the gross feelings, they won’t be able to take up so much space in your head anymore.
Once you get out the other side of feeling shitty, there’s a whole pile of feeling good to be experienced.
The gross feelings serve a purpose: they can be used as a radar system to navigate your life. If you listen to them, they will steer you on the right path.

Final thoughts: go easy on yourself, even if other people don’t think you have the right to do so. And don’t let your mind run away with some mean comment by some random person who’s trying to make you feel like shit for being you.

Don’t fuel that hateful stuff, or you’ll invite more of it into your life. Do what you gotta do to get right with yourself.

Now, I shall take my own advice and exchange the heaviness for some lightness.

Cupcakes are light…right? hmmm.

Anger and Following Your Calling

April 29, 2017 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

Anger has played a big role in my life.

It’s been my side-kick; my go-to response when someone tries to tell me the way I’m feeling is wrong. Or that the way I inherently am isn’t OK.

There have been plenty of times when my behavior has been in need of correction. I know in the past my feelings and actions were irrational due to my heavy drinking.

But now I’m in this zone where I trust myself and like myself enough to know that my feelings serve a purpose: that they exist for a reason.

And I’m working on responding to outsider requests for alterations to those feelings with less aggression.

I default to anger when people try to coerce me into believing how I feel is not OK. Because to me that’s manipulation.

But then I take a moment to breathe and remember this:

People get very uncomfortable when we don’t think like them or want to follow their lead. They feel very unsettled when someone strums to a beat they don’t know how to play along to.

Not everyone reacts this way. A lot of light and laughter has been brought to this world by way of people being themselves, feelings and all.

Because when we are true to who we are, we radiate good vibes. And good vibes are powerful.

We don’t have to please everyone and subdue ourselves to soothe the minds of those who don’t understand us.

What we have to do is hold strong to what we know to be true to us.

Because when we stifle ourselves so that someone else’s idea of normal can continue to exist, we affirm that being true to who we are is not OK.

Our number one job in life is to be who we are. When we do that, the people around us will pick up on our authenticity, and feel inclined to follow suit, creating big, life-altering change.

That’s how big our roles are in this life. We are all integral and important and powerful, particularly in our authentic state.

So let’s move forward as we are, releasing the need to be disgruntled. Let’s say mercy to the struggle to be right or wrong, and make room to become whatever it is we feel called to do.

Even if we don’t know the details of what that is yet. Because I sure don’t.

All I know is I feel something calling me. And it says, “Speak”

Those that want us to change want their idea of normal to continue to exist. And our existence threatens that.

I know that they are scared to love themselves enough to be honest. And I can have compassion for their plight, because that used to be me.

Some days it still is.

But when the mental tempests of anger subside, I am reminded of this beautifully freeing truth:

Be who you are. Always.

And that’s enough for me. Even if it’s not enough for others.

Enjoy your weekend friends.

the self-care complexity

March 22, 2017 by Must Love Crows 1 Comment

Yesterday I published a new post on my blog about guilt.

In truth, it was inspired by something that happened yesterday morning.

A friend had been sending me guilt-laced messages for quite some time, and there was a new one in my inbox.

For me it was the “enough-is-enough” point.

I didn’t want to have to be honest with her, because I knew her feelings would be hurt. But I really didn’t want to receive these types of messages anymore either.

So I dug through my muddled, flu-impaired mind and let her know how I felt.

Since then I’ve felt a bevy of emotions. And though I can blame part of that on lack of sleep and being delirious from the flu, the truth can’t be avoided:

I still find it really hard to stand up for myself and not feel bad about it.

Bear with me here…

Sometimes, in my innately flawed human condition, I default to playing the victim, instead of looking for the causal link as to why a certain scenario played out the way it did.

Yesterday I initially thought to myself, “I need to talk to her and let her know how I feel, so that I can set the stage for how I want to be treated by her and others.”

Today, while I still agree with the first part and am glad I communicated how I felt, I’m calling BS on the “set the stage” thought I had.

I don’t set the stage by talking to someone: I set the stage by the example I set.

And I am setting a crap example, because I think guilt-laced thoughts all the time. Like every day. Over things that other people, like my husband, don’t even give a second thought to.

I literally treat myself like a punching bag. Nothing I do is ever enough. It’s always about producing more; being more; making a bigger impact; trying harder.

So I’m perpetually exhausted, and beat myself up for needing to take a break.

And then I play the victim when people prod at me with their guilt sticks?

I set the stage for how others treat me.

The truth is I am a victim of the negative thoughts I have about myself. And I’ve still got a long way to go in the self-love/self-care department.

But I’ve got the tools and resources available to help me.

And I don’t feel like a victim right now: I feel empowered. Because I’m being honest and open about all this real, not so pretty stuff.

Shame cannot exist once the truth has been released: truth dissipates shame.

And now it’s time to put some self-care into action by way of heading to the walk in clinic. Cause the truth is, whatever is inside my sinus cavity ain’t right. (TMI — I know.)

Here’s to health and wellness, on all levels.