Must Love Crows

Personal Growth. Self-Compassion. Writing Consulting.

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Letter To A New York Times Best Selling Wellness Writer

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This morning I saw a post on Instagram by a very well-known author – I’m talking New York Times bestselling wellness writer.

The post pissed me off (more deets on why below) and though I thought about working towards letting it go, I passed on that pretty quick, ’cause my frustration was 40 proof.

I’m not in the business of shunning my feelings. If they are coming up there is a legit reason for them.

I love myself, therefore I value the whole package, even the not-so-societally-celebrated strong feelings.

Most of the time. Wrinkles are hard to embrace at the moment.

I quickly realized my frustration did not warrant trolling, as nothing ever warrants that. But it was something I was willing to write about.

And write about it I did. I formulated a post, and was close to publishing it, when I realized, “Hmm, this isn’t helpful at all.” Writing a post she will never read doesn’t serve anyone, other than my fired up ego (it was blazin.)

If I want any chance of inciting change over an issue I feel strongly about, then I gotta lady-up and write this chick personally.

I have to constructively communicate what I see as being a red flag issue, ie, advice she’s offered that could be potentially detrimental to someone’s mental health.

Never mind that she may never read my message or respond to me or even give a shit about what I have to say. That’s not for me to decide.

I gotta try. And I need to get in the business of being courageous enough to speak on things that aren’t supportive of self-care and mental health advocacy in the wellness industry.

Even the stuff coming from the mouths of the most popular wellness writers in the world.

I need to live up to what my Instagram profile says and BE a mental health and self-care advocate. So I did just that: I wrote her a long form note via Instagram, and this is what it said

Hello <name redacted>. I just read your latest post re: the fan asking what to do about feeling like everyone hates her. I felt the strong pull to communicate my concern over your response, so here goes.

Someone who believes everyone hates them needs therapy. This is distorted thinking as a result of damaging beliefs. “Just be you” is a recipe for a person to feel ashamed of how they feel. “What’s wrong with me, if trying to just be me doesn’t work? I must be a loser. There must be something innately wrong with me…” Enter more shame, more pain, and more distorted thinking.

I appreciate your beautiful intentions to help others while affirming that “just be you” has the ability to minimize a person’s struggle. Healing is not that simple. It takes work. And I get that we are all attached to our pain and we could do with focusing on it less and being more grateful. But we still need to look at our pain. We need to process it.

People need to be validated. The complexity of their pain needs to be heard and understood, particularly for people with mental health disorders like PTSD. BTW, I wonder if this person has PTSD, particularly abandonment-related PTSD. (There is a great book by psychologist Susan Anderson about it.)

And finally, IMHO, “Just Be You” isn’t realistic. It’s the goal, yes, but a sense of self to house new beliefs that help he or she understand and process the feelings that are leading them to believe that everyone hates them is a required precursor to someone being able to follow through on “Just Be You” advice. 

That’s it, that’s all. I thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you. And I hope you have a wonderful day. Andrea

Boom. Speaking up when I feel the need to, 1. Complaining via blog post, 0. 

It might have taken me a lot of therapy and many complaint pieces through my blog to get me here, but the air feels cleaner in Courage-To-Speak-To-Someone-Directly town. So I’m going to stay here. For good.

xo

A

PS: Guess what? I’m working on personal development material (ugh that sounds so dry – think workbooks that speak to rewriting beliefs that are hurting you) right now.

If you want first grab at them and a freebie in the next week or so, sign up for my weekly, curated with love and unfiltered truth, newsletter. ❤

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Thoughts On Our Deficiencies

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Lucky = Working with Intention and Gratitude.

Too Sensitive = An innate Gift.

At Least = Denial of Your Truth.

Should Have = Lesson for next time.

Summary: the next time you start ripping the seams on all that you aren’t, remember that perspective is everything.

You are enough, as is. And if someone in your life, including you, thinks you aren’t, step back.

Pause. Reflect. Revisit your truth.

We don’t all have to be on the same page. And you don’t need everyone to want you to win, in order to win.

Also, winning sometimes looks like failing. So give your truth some time to rise to the surface.

Three Things I Suck At

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I just got back from vacation where I acquired a tan and some clarity.

Somewhere between the beach days and the exceptional meals, I tapped into some realizations that have me feeling pretty damn good. (Side note: never down play the importance of taking a few days off.)

Over the last couple of years I’m been pretty focused on unwrapping and showcasing what’s underneath all the pretending we do in life.

Social media is one big fake game, what with everyone being obsessed with looking perfect. And perfect isn’t possible, which I know is such an obvious statement but still, here we are as a society, trying to be perfect all the time.

And I am one of those people.

While I am motivated to speak the truth about life and not be fake, I still very much struggle with my ego’s need to be perfect. That goes for looks, career performance, and interpersonal relationships – pretty much everything.

Looks wise, I want to be a conventional beauty and appear a certain way to others, but it’s not possible. I will never look like anyone other than who I look like. 

Career wise, I am always thinking about making more money. And in doing so, I am not appreciating how great things are, right here, right now, in this moment.

And I’m forever badgering myself for my perceived failures when it comes to social interactions. If I just let all that shit go, I could be more present for the news ones.

So in trying to be perfect in all areas of my life, I’m forever focusing on ways to improve myself, which takes a lot of energy.

If I just said fuck it and embraced the fact that I’m not ever going to be the way I envision myself being (ie: perfect) I could free up a lot of time spent ruminating on my failures.

If I just admitted I sucked at something, and felt how it felt to suck, I could process the feelings surrounding it and move on.

Clarity this weekend has come in the form of realizing it’s OK to suck at something – that I don’t need to be everything, all the time. And if I embrace the fact that I suck at things, instead of berating myself for my failures all the time, I can focus my efforts on things I am good at. Like writing.

Let me tell you, there is some holy hallelujah relief that comes when you just say “fuck it, that’s not my thing” – and focus your efforts on the stuff you give a shit about and are good at.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to blast through my fear of not being good enough and share what I suck at, in no particular order.

  1. I suck at socializing in large groups. OK so it’s not that I completely suck at this on the outside, but on the inside, it’s one of my least favorite things to do. I find it overwhelming AF, and being an uber-empathetic person, it’s just plain hard on me, mentally. I daresay at times it’s a form of torture. So moving forward, if you invite me to a party, I will most likely have a work deadline and won’t be able to make it.
  2. I suck at being patient. My brain works really quickly; I process ideas and thoughts at a high-speed – faster than most people in my life. Which means I’m waiting for people to catch up to me quite often, and I get really impatient with them at times. Like no joke, I can be a fucking jerk about it. I’ll do the whole dramatic big sigh to let them know they are wasting my time and everything. What an asshole right? Before you start judging me, know that I always end up apologizing, and I don’t act like this all the time. But some days I do, and when I notice it I admit that it’s better for me to not be around people, so as to not spread my jerk germs.
  3. I suck at being fake. Truth: I get supremely annoyed when I am met with people being fake, particularly if they are people I have known for a long time. I’m talking zero patience for it. And yes I know there are some issues lying underneath that truth, and this obviously isn’t the only scenario that lends itself to me being impatient, but I’ll get to unpacking all that once I unpack my suitcase.

Bonus #4 Thing I suck at:

I suck at optimism. OK so I’m getting better at this, but it’s something I’ve had to religiously work at. I was taught how to be pessimistic from an early age, and then refined my skills over the years. Changing this default view I had of anything and everything in life came about when I got in touch with my emotions. I learned to acknowledge that it feels really shitty to think badly of someone, and it feels really good to think generously, by way of optimism. Still a work in progress, but I’m committed. Disclaimer: I am a realist and know that some people are not capable of being kind or generous, so I still selectively use pessimism as a survival tactic and have zero shame about it. I just generally do my best to view random interactions and people with a positive spin these days, because to constantly do the opposite is to suffer.

So those are the things I suck at. It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a start, and a step towards embracing imperfection, which is my goal.

What do you suck at? What would serve you to just admit you ain’t so great at, instead of beating yourself up over it? Let’s talk about it in the comments. 🙂

xo

A

crazy uncomfortable truth

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The past few days have been crazy uncomfortable for me.

It hasn’t been bad enough for me to regress and make shitty decisions in an attempt to quell my discomfort. It just had me admitting:  “I gotta sort these feelings out because I am not going back down that road.”

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Putting yourself out there is tough, because it opens the door to rejection.

In the thick of emotion, it’s hard to envision someone rejecting your truth as ever being easy to take. Particularly when they do it in grandiose, mean-spirited fashion.

But when you put yourself out there, people might be dicks. And as much as I don’t like it, it’s par for the course.

Sometimes social media is just too much for me. There are days when I wipe my iPhone clean of all apps because I am so not in the right head space to deal with the unpredictability factor. You never know what someone is going to say. It’s like Schrödinger’s cat: until you open up that DM or check that comment, the message is both positive and negative.

So yeah, super uncomfortable stuff, particularly when you start receiving unsettling comments.

I can take logic to that kinda stuff: angry, bitter, aggressive people exist. They don’t like who they are, so they reject people who do.

I mean, why would they want someone to receive acclaim for being who they are, when they loathe their own existence?

But answer me this man: why you so angry?

Actually I can answer that, because I used to be that mean: because there’s no love.

As I said in my Huffington post piece,

When love is missing, a lot of negative stuff comes out of the woodwork: anger, resentment, fear, jealousy.

And here’s a few other things I have learned over the past couple years, and in the days following the publication of that piece:

  • You being you is contagious, like laughter or yawning, which makes it totally worth the risk.
  • When you start doing what feels right for you, instead of what will soothe the vintage beliefs of others, you flourish.
  • You gotta put in the time and effort to get where you want to be, constantly educating yourself, and never settling for the belief that you’ve aged out of needing to know more.
  • You might have to open up dusty trunks filled with undesirable truths.
  • Sometimes it’s crawl-outta-your-skin horrible, as in acknowledging the “I am that which I loathe” principle. That’s not a fun one to accept.
  • If you face the gross feelings, they won’t be able to take up so much space in your head anymore.
  • Once you get out the other side of feeling shitty, there’s a whole pile of feeling good to be experienced.
  • The gross feelings serve a purpose: they can be used as a radar system to navigate your life. If you listen to them, they will steer you on the right path.

Final thoughts: go easy on yourself, even if other people don’t think you have the right to do so. And don’t let your mind run away with some mean comment by some random person who’s trying to make you feel like shit for being you.

Don’t fuel that hateful stuff, or you’ll invite more of it into your life. Do what you gotta do to get right with yourself. 

Now, I shall take my own advice and exchange the heaviness for some lightness.

Cupcakes are light…right? hmmm.

A

On Celebrity Admissions, Brad Pitt, and Being Real

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This morning while attempting to temporarily disengage from my work before work, I came across a new interview with Brad Pitt in GQ magazine.

I normally don’t get much out of these celebrity interviews. It’s hard to assume one can relate to people who live such inflated and embellished existences.

But Brad proved me wrong this morning. And here’s the part that got me good:

In the end, you find: I am those things I don’t like. That is a part of me. I can’t deny that. I have to accept that. And in fact, I have to embrace that. I need to face that and take care of that. Because by denying it, I deny myself. I am those mistakes. For me every misstep has been a step toward epiphany, understanding, some kind of joy. Yeah, the avoidance of pain is a real mistake. It’s the real missing out on life. It’s those very things that shape us, those very things that offer growth, that make the world a better place, oddly enough, ironically. That make us better.

This gives me a lot of hope. Because if a Hollywood actor can get past his own ego long enough to see these truths – well damn it so can we!

An incredible admission here, that is next-level difficult to come to terms with. Yet so rewarding and powerful if done.

I am those things I don’t like.

Yes. So much yes.

So to the mother who bemoans her daughter’s behaviour, and the daughter in law exasperated by her mother in law’s actions;

To the son who complains of his father’s past choices, and the daughter who finds her elderly mother’s comments unfathomable;

To you I say, You Are Those Things.

And so am I.

Deep thoughts by Brad Pitt. Someone hand the guy an award for being real. ‘Cause he deserves a lifetime achievement award for that one.

Anger and Following Your Calling

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Anger has played a big role in my life.

It’s been my side-kick; my go-to response when someone tries to tell me the way I’m feeling is wrong. Or that the way I inherently am isn’t OK.

There have been plenty of times when my behavior has been in need of correction. I know in the past my feelings and actions were irrational due to my heavy drinking.

But now I’m in this zone where I trust myself and like myself enough to know that my feelings serve a purpose: that they exist for a reason.

And I’m working on responding to outsider requests for alterations to those feelings with less aggression.

I default to anger when people try to coerce me into believing how I feel is not OK. Because to me that’s manipulation.

But then I take a moment to breathe and remember this:

People get very uncomfortable when we don’t think like them or want to follow their lead. They feel very unsettled when someone strums to a beat they don’t know how to play along to.

Not everyone reacts this way. A lot of light and laughter has been brought to this world by way of people being themselves, feelings and all.

Because when we are true to who we are, we radiate good vibes. And good vibes are powerful. 

We don’t have to please everyone and subdue ourselves to soothe the minds of those who don’t understand us.

What we have to do is hold strong to what we know to be true to us.

Because when we stifle ourselves so that someone else’s idea of normal can continue to exist, we affirm that being true to who we are is not OK.

Our number one job in life is to be who we are. When we do that, the people around us will pick up on our authenticity, and feel inclined to follow suit, creating big, life-altering change.

That’s how big our roles are in this life.  We are all integral and important and powerful, particularly in our authentic state.  

So let’s move forward as we are, releasing the need to be disgruntled. Let’s say mercy to the struggle to be right or wrong, and make room to become whatever it is we feel called to do.

Even if we don’t know the details of what that is yet. Because I sure don’t.

All I know is I feel something calling me. And it says, “Speak”

Those that want us to change want their idea of normal to continue to exist. And our existence threatens that.

I know that they are scared to love themselves enough to be honest. And I can have compassion for their plight, because that used to be me.

Some days it still is.

But when the mental tempests of anger subside, I am reminded of this beautifully freeing truth:

Be who you are. Always.

And that’s enough for me. Even if it’s not enough for others.

Enjoy your weekend friends.