self-love

Out From Hiding

January 28, 2020 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

To say the last, I dunno, 6 years, have been transformative would be an understatement. I really do feel like a different person. And not just when I look back on who I was 6 years ago. I’m talking last week.

Every few days I am aware that I am not the same person I was days before. It’s wild. And amazing. And challenging. And scary at times. But overall it’s freeing.

I’m learning to unhide myself.

Much of the inner work I do is not something I want the whole world to know about or have access to. But there is a driving force within me, pushing me to share it, so I can destigmatize who I am, within myself, and convince others to do the same within themselves. It’s also compelling me to make amends with the existence of pushback from unhinged commentators that know not what the source of their desire to throw their two cents into the ring is all about. A lot of the time the aggressives aren’t consciously aware that they are being aggressive. It’s primal rage. They don’t realize that it’s not me they are mad at.

The days are here, when we are beginning to see the undercarriages of people’s choices and behaviours.

The spin-doctoring of inherently motivated destructive actions is being called out for what it is – manipulation. And people are beginning to feel less afraid to be out in the spotlight because of it. They fear less of being attacked and understand not just the want but the need to be out in the world, sharing themselves and their messages, even if they don’t quite have it figured out why.

We are all beginning to feel the need to show up as ourselves.

If we’re not yet doing that, we feel the call in the whispers of aching to do something different – something that makes us feel alive in ways we may have never felt before, or once felt as children, before life wiped out the belief that this is what life could be about.

I am feeling the call to come out of hiding.

Slowly, I’m dipping my toes into the world as a more fully realized version of myself, with love and respect for the inherent abilities I am meant to put to use. There is an ever-present knowing within me, that reminds me it’s not up for debate – I have to share the deeper parts of me with more than just myself. I have to allow myself to be out in the open fully as I am.

That person isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

That person may get some backlash. That person may be the recipient of some evil eyes. And she might attract people who want to keep her from her power. In fact, she has had a role in that already, attracting people who help her remain in the shadows – who subconsciously or consciously want her to play small. They may not know why they want to help her do that, but their actions show their desires.

OK, enough of the third person. lol! She is me. 🔥 I’ve had a lot of intense experiences lately that have shown me what I may have to face if I continue on this trajectory. The people who don’t or won’t want me to live big. The people who won’t want me to share the stories I’ve been fostering the courage to be able to share, about how I became the woman I am today.

There may be some people who see my power and want to squash it.

This is often an unconscious desire. And there may be times when I will find myself attracted to such people, and have to call myself out for it. That said, there will 100% be plenty of times when I will have to witness the conditioning that compels me to desire people who would prefer me to stay small. To not use my voice, to not perform and not make a scene. It will be really hard. But the hardest thing ever is to stay tiny when I’m meant to be big; to minimize my power when I’m meant to utilize it to the maximum.

I grew up minimizing the gifts I have out of necessity – out of survival.

It took a lot of energy and work to learn how to do that, to live by someone else’s belief system. I wasn’t meant to believe those things about myself, I wasn’t meant to feel the degree of self-hatred I felt.

I can detach from that conditioning – I’ve proven that I can through some particularly difficult transitions, both emotionally and physically.

I’ve shown myself I can do things differently, that I am capable of breaking powerful ancestral patterns. I’ve also proven that I am capable of attracting people into my life – drawing people into my life – who assist me in keeping those patterns alive. And then I’ve proven that I can realize that, do what I need to do to stop it, and witness the exciting results of that powerful act of self-love.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I’m not 100% sure. 😂 This post is about allowing my voice to be heard. It’s to counter energy that attempted to minimize me, and my right to use my space to speak. It’s to let my inner child know that I see it, and I’m going to start living differently, doing things differently, for her. Something inside wants me to say, I’m here, and I’m not what and who you might perceive me to be. I am many things and I am capable of so much more than anyone might understand.

I am an intuitive. I am an actor. I am a poet. I am a writer. I am a consultant. Yes, I am all of those things. But above all of those earthly driven labels that exist so that we may feel a sense of security and belonging, I am powerful. I am a spirit who is here to do the work – to learn and grow, in ways that, to some, and even to myself at times, might not feel or look like work.

And I’m here to set limitations. To create boundaries where none existed. I’m here to say, yes, I have learned from many people and many experiences, but being nice doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. I’m here to say that if someone violates you they don’t deserve access to your life or your energy.

I’m here to learn how to trust my intuition and help other people learn to do the same.

I’m here to show what is possible, by showing that a woman who was abused and addicted and full of self-hatred can become a woman who helps other people free themselves from the energies and forces that traumatized her. And share all the magic that comes when you set yourself free.

I was recently referred to as passive-aggressive. Someone read one of my posts and suggested that was the underlying theme of it. To me, the post in question was a beautiful post. It was from the heart. I wrote it in under half an hour – a forever sign that something else is helping me write and that it needs to be written to help me heal, and maybe others.

This is the work I’m here to do – say no by not saying anything.

To set limitations for those who choose to see my art – the work I do to heal and contribute to healing in the world – as something warped or ugly or unnecessary. These are the same forces that taught me to hate myself and minimize my worth. These forces that demand we be something other than who we are, to appease their discomfort, and not follow the direction of our hearts are the forces I am here to assist in ending. So what if they come packaged in a form other than the sociopathic male I first experienced them in – a person can be kind and ALSO be manipulative.

They can also not know they are being manipulative. We come from trauma. We all have our experiences with it and it shapes us. Our job in life is to do the work of realizing that it has affected us and how, and de-condition ourselves. It’s why we are here. Saying we have issues isn’t doing the work. It’s the starting point. And saying you have problems doesn’t get you free from the harm you have caused another by living from your trauma space. Doing the work does.

We can have compassion for someone who has experienced trauma because we all have, but that doesn’t mean we brush their actions off as acceptable.

It’s still on them to heal. It’s on them to sort out if they’re being manipulative or narcissistic. Or co-dependant.

Narcissism and codependency are intricately linked.

I grew up with a parent who was a sociopath. The byproduct of that was narcissistic behaviours I learned from him and severe co-dependency. I did some shitty things – some destructive things – over the years, living from that trauma state. And then I did the work to realize what was happening and began deconditioning myself.

I still do the work. I filter through my actions to make sure I’m not harming other people, or myself.

It’s the work of self-compassion. The work of self-compassion also entails realizing that someone being upset because you cut them off for violating you is not for you to try to heal or fix; their tears and insults and foot stamping are not reasons to allow them to be in your life if they have violated you.

Trauma attracts trauma. When we realize this we open up the door to a new way of living. When we allow ourselves to be with the discomfort of not wanting people to be upset with us, we can begin to see where it comes from. It can propel us to open a book on co-dependency and see how we have contributed to our current uncomfortable situation, in the absence of self-bullying.

I can be a loving and kind and supportive human being AND still have work to do. Other people can be loving and kind human beings and not be supportive or ready to do the work of realizing they are narcissists. The hardest work is to look within ourselves and see how our pain is leading us, tricking us, keeping us from our power. In my case, it taught me to allow people into my life who contributed to my fear of my power.

Some healing questions I’m asking myself these days:

Who would I be if I allowed myself to step into my power?

Who will I become if I become a great actor? What will my life look like?

Who will I be if I publish my poetry, write a book, go on a book tour?

Who will I be if I provide intuitive counselling sessions? Who will I be if I create a safe space to share what I’ve learned with people who want to do the work too?

Who will I be if I use my inherent talents and abilities to create a foundation for my family, one that allows us the freedom to travel and learn and grow and live without financial constraints?

I have no fucking idea. But I’m ready to find out.

Managing other people’s perceptions – it’s a thing

December 10, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

There’s no way around it: trying to manage other people’s perceptions can lead to some interesting situations.

If you feel called to put yourself out into the world in a public way you’ll receive a bevy of opportunities to help you figure out how to make amends with the drive to convince people they’ve got it twisted about you.

And if you take an inventory of all the times you’ve tried? You might come up with what I came up with: a bunch of moments when it didn’t work our that well, ie it got super messy and fast.

We can try to have a conversation with someone, about how their judgments of us are way off, but if we do we have to accept that it might not end well.

They might end up judging us even more and we might end up emotionally drained.

Truth time: the person who feels inclined to make mad assumptions is rarely willing to have a conversation about the forces behind their desire to shove you into a box. IE the inner influences that convinced them that judging was the righteous path.

So you have to meander the territory of feeling like you need to defend yourself amidst the reality that if you try to, it likely won’t help you or them in any capacity.

Silence is a message. Not replying is a message.

I’ve integrated the practice of not responding to communications that don’t empower me over the past couple of years, and it’s resulted in a lot of peace and emotional growth. I have more time and space within myself to do the work I need to do.

Much of it comes down to a desire to not enable. I can have compassion for people who are suffering, while choosing not to provide fuel for aggressive behaviours.

Not responding helps you step back into your power.

In the presence of emails, comments and people that aren’t showcasing a desire to empower or nurture you, don’t engage.

I live by the mantra that if you aren’t willing to be honest about your intentions and the source of your drive to judge me, you don’t get my time or energy.

I also live with the need to remind myself of that mantra quite frequently 😂

My life experiences taught me that I needed to protect myself from everyone, all the time. So this is a tough one for me. I need the reminder that I don’t need to show up for things that aren’t serving me a lot – that I don’t need to contribute to unproductive conversations.

If you feel called to put yourself out into the world in a public way, set the intention to heal from the desire to engage with the judgments of strangers.

It’s part of my path, to do the work I do as a writer. And now with acting – it’s kind of the next level of putting yourself out there. Getting in front of a camera can be scary. I need all the energy and emotional resolve I can muster to look after myself – to process the fear and still do a good job.

I can’t funnel my energy into managing perceptions of me AND do a great job.

My energy needs to be focused on what’s important – the areas that impact my capacity to show up and do the work I’m meant to do.

So does yours. Yes, it absolutely does suck when people judge us. It feels crappy and sometimes bizarre (especially this recent one for me. whoosh! It was extensively bizarre!)

But damn if it isn’t a sign you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing.

Stay on track. Mind the lane you’re in – yours – and let other people do whatever they want to do in their own lanes.

‘Cause they’re gonna do it no matter what.

The fallacy is that we can change people, convince them they are wrong or teach them the ways they are wrong.

The most self-loving, self-kindness infused lesson you can offer is the gift of not engaging with judgment.

Honouring yourself is witnessing the moments that affirm you’re doing what you’re meant to do. Even the ones that don’t feel so good to experience.

So honour yourself. Love yourself. And repeat.

Everything is NOT in its place (and that’s OK)

June 4, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

It was 2 am and I had to pee. But I didn’t want to get up because I didn’t want to wake up my cat. 😂

If you’ve got kids, cool, you know what I mean.

Nothing worse than them waking up in the middle of the night thinking it’s time to get up and do day time stuff when you’re trying to take care of business.

Except for me, instead of a human child, it’s a long-haired black cat/parrot.

(The parrot reference = he mimics our voices which is equal parts hilarious and cute).

Jack the cat likes to assume that my late night shuffles down the hallway are invitations to get chatty:

Oh hey! You’re awake! Come on, let’s talk! Also, I need Food!!

That’s what happened last week. He heard me with his hyper Vulcan hearing and came chirping and dramatically meowing down the hallway.

And he wanted stuff from me.

He wanted to be petted and brushed, followed by treats and food – ASAP.

Jack the cat, committing sock felonies and leaving his DNA (read: fur) EVERYWHERE

Hard not to want to oblige – he’s pretty cute.

But he already had food, he just wanted his food a certain way.

His preferred way of being fed is freshly out of the can with the dish placed directly underneath him on the chair (which happens to by MY chair! 😂)

This is funny because it’s not like he has a discerning palate. He’s been busted eating garbage multiple times.

And he doesn’t know the difference between a few hours old and fresh food. I trick him by mixing up his older food, pretending like I just made it, and he falls for it every time!

The real issue is that he wants things a certain way or else he deems them unacceptable.

Cat idiosyncrasies might be cute during the day, but at 2 am when you’re tired and need to pee, they’re overrated.

So I said hello to him, peed, and peaced out behind my closed bedroom door. Then I woke up a few hours later to a startling realization:

I AM EXACTLY LIKE MY CAT.

I am rigid about how things need to be. Sometimes I even reject things because they aren’t the way I want them or expect them to be.

Some of those expectations are in my best interest.

For example, I expect the people in my life to be supportive and loving, or else I don’t allow them into my life.

Boundaries are an important part of the whole mental health mystery. If they aren’t in place, you’re gonna struggle.

But getting caught up in how things need to look and feel and be in other areas is really siphoning the joy out of my life.

I have a lot to be joyful about, just like Jack the cat does. I have good food, good love and support, rewarding work, and stuff and things I’m grateful for.

I am hashtag blessed, yet I let strict expectations run my show, blurring my ability to relax and enjoy all the beauty that comes with the unexpected.

I want to go with the flow more. I want to enjoy the process of life.

I want to experience joy when it’s happening.

To make that happen I need to ditch my drive to control how everything looks and feels.

The 2 am wake up with my fur child has inspired me to investigate my default settings. I’ve begun asking myself some squirm-in-your-seat questions:

Am I allowing the joy to come through in this experience?

Am I shutting myself off from joy by gripping to rigid “ideals” that are anything but?

**It can be really scary to accept that your default response is causing you to suffer.**

All it takes is one unsolicited should-based response from a stranger focusing on your perceived failures instead of the courage it took to be honest about the fact that you don’t have it all figured out, to compel you to clamp your heart shut on stuff that needs to be addressed.

But living with a closed heart is an expensive way to live. It siphons from your ability to experience joy.

So instead of buying into denying or ignoring your issues, focus on taking your power back.

The next time you get uncomfortable about the idea of inquiring into the existence of your own counterproductive default settings – particularly how being truthful about them might be perceived by others – percolate on this statement:

Unless you’re in the arena, too, Brenda, I’m not open or interested in your opinion.

(No offence to any Brenda’s out there. It just felt like the right name for this example.)

If you’re doing this kind of work, you’re on a different wavelength than the should-ers.

Unrequested (and unsupportive) critiques of your journey are coming from people who are not in the same realm of thinking as you, so their comments don’t have a place in your life.

Walk on by unsupportive comments.

Don’t take ownership of them. Just step on over and past them, and keep on walking.

Keep being courageous, ’cause that’s what these kinds of inquiries require: Courage.

FYI: the quote above (minus the Brenda reference) is from Brene Brown’s new Netflix special which I highly recommend you watch.

Watching TV can be self-care if it’s lighting you up like Brene’s show did for me. 😍

I hope something within this post resonated with you. You are loved.

Pssst: If you liked this post you might want to sign up to receive the occasional email from me (anywhere from 1 to 2 per month max.) That’s where this post originated. 🙂

3 Things I Let Go Of In 2018

December 27, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

2018 has been a wild ride.

One of the craziest things that happened? I found out I have a sister through an Ancestry DNA kit. If you ever do one of those suckers and get an alert of a first cousin, beware: you could be involuntarily uncovering some skeletons in the familial closet!

Career-wise, things have been on the up and up: I started my own writing consulting business. It’s been really exciting to finally have found my niche, though more along the excitement lines of “I can’t believe I get paid to do this!” as opposed to, “Excuse me? Who did you say your father was??” 😂

There have been loads of emotional moments and super challenging situations which freaked me the fuck out this year. It hasn’t been easy and I haven’t succeeded in hitting the “Act In Alignment With Higher-Self” mark I’ve aimed for on every occasion (Shout out to my humanness for keeping me on my toes.) But I’ve done my best to be kind to myself and others as I’ve meandered emotionally volatile scenarios.

I’ve become heavily acquainted with the fact that you can’t be kind to other people in real ways if you’re not being kind to yourself.

Boom. Take a moment to absorb that hard-earned golden nugget of truth, on a cellular level.

I’ve been proud of my growth, frustrated with what felt like a total lack of it at times, and surprised when everything worked out better than expected in the end, even though I was full of self-doubt and scared as hell when everything was all, “What does this mean? What do I do now? Ahhhhhh!!!!!”

It hasn’t always been a pretty scene, but that’s another thing I did this year: let go of trying to adhere to an impossible mold.

I realized I wasn’t born to be agreeable and reserved, and that I’m full-out exhausted over attempting to be someone else’s version of appropriate or pretty.

Fuuuuuck thaaaaaaat. I was born to be so much more than the rigid societal standards set for women, and 2018 was the year I owned that truth.

I’ve tried to acknowledge how profound my transformation has been as often as possible. (Insight: we need to focus more time and energy on our accomplishments rather than our perceived failures. Like, pat ourselves on the back more than once for the same thing. Seriously.)

I’ve let go of beliefs, behaviors, and in some cases people who were holding me back, and every single time I’ve courageously said goodbye to something or someone I’ve been met with an incredible new experience.

I’m talking manifesting income, new friendships, and peace of mind. ❤️

2018 taught me that Letting Go is a powerful form of self-care and self-love. So in praise of using the past to prep for the year ahead and beginning 2019 in a state of gratitude, here are 3 things I said goodbye to this year:

Misguided Hope

Hope is a beautiful thing. It motivates us to keep trying and believing in the power of being ourselves. The world needs us to do this work.

Misguided hope is different from run of the mill hope. It’s more so like unrealistic expectations that consume you with the belief that maybe someday, someone who is hurting you might change, even though you’ve got a long list of events from the past proving otherwise.

This misguided hope business is distracting and unproductive. It keeps you from doing work that will help you heal and evolve, which is what the world also needs you to do, now, more than ever.

The misguided hope I let go of in 2018 was directed towards people who were unwilling to see how their own actions were causing their own suffering and the suffering of others. They weren’t without options, just comfortable in their own discomfort. Though I cared for them deeply, I realized after a steady flow of feeling shitty in their presence that their behaviors were destructive to my well-being, and it was time to step back from hoping that the next time around, things would be different.

Letting go of the hope that one day I could have a relationship with them in the absence of aggression, judgment, and resentment, was one of the greatest gifts I gave myself in 2018. It opened up space in my life for healthy new relationships to form, with others and myself, and honed my radar so I could easily spot dysfunctional behaviors moving forward, and act accordingly, ie, not enable them.

Now my hope for those who suffer is that they will one day find peace, not for me, but for themselves. The mantra I use, which I snagged from a Pema Chodron book, goes:

May they experience peace and the cause of peace.

It’s a beautiful thing to contemplate and affirm because it’s all about extending compassion for those who are suffering from a safe distance. It’s productive hope, that the road to peace will bring them a greater understanding of their own contributions to their own suffering, so they can one day heal, not for me, but for themselves.

Friendships

There are some friendships we hold onto because of the quality of the connection, and some we hold onto because of reasons that don’t make a lot of sense. You’ve known someone a long time? Cool, doesn’t mean you should be keeping up a relationship if it’s destructive to your wellbeing.

As a follow-up to releasing misguided hope from the docket, I let go of quite a few friendships this year.

Some ceremoniously and from within, ie, without having a conversation with anyone, but rather, a conversation with myself, affirming my need to cease communications. Others took a bit more energy, like the ending of a 25-year friendship, which up until this year I hadn’t been willing to acknowledge was stifling my ability to grow.

I realized I had knighted myself as eternally obligated to keep communicating with someone in the absence of what a connection requires to exist: Trust.

Sure I’d known her a long time, but when I really dug into the dysfunctional dynamic we had I realized I couldn’t rely on her to be kind to me. It was a friendship marred by the pain and resentment of the past, and trying to get it to work was just a destructive game of enabling.

I discovered the courage to speak my truth without shame during the process of this friendship coming to a close. Though it was really upsetting when my attempts to communicate were met with aggression and manipulation, I don’t regret any of it. I am immensely proud of what I accomplished by expressing myself. It was a powerful boost to my confidence, to command and stand firm on my wellness needs in the presence of aggression and my own fears over what people might say or think about me.

Fearing Fruit

In my early 20s, the low carb diet came into play and I was all over it. I axed all forms of sugar, did my best to cut out bread (Hard because I love carbs: carbs, carbs, carbs) and added no-sugar, chemically laden desserts and a bevy of meats and cheeses to my plate on the regular. Barf and ouch to my arteries and health as a whole over those choices.

While I still toyed with bread on occasion because of my aforementioned love affair with gluten, my fear of sugar was intense and kept me far away from the fruit section of the grocery store for over 15 years.

I am no stranger to eating disorders and believed the headlines when they said sugar made you fat. My fear lasted until 2018, when I realized that fruit isn’t the problem, it’s the chemicals in the foods we eat and the viruses in our bodies that are.

Letting go of the belief that I shouldn’t eat fruit has been a huge contributor to 2018 being such a great year for me health-wise.

I eat a lot of it now, every single day, and as a newly anointed size 2 who has healed from chronic pain and severe anxiety and depression, I am proof that it doesn’t get you fat or cause illness – it heals your body.

While I still experience some anxiety and depression symptoms on occasion, I’m no longer on prescription medication for it and when symptoms heighten I return to focusing on adding more plant-based foods to my diet, specifically fruit, and things start to improve.

Fruit is amazing. Please don’t be afraid of it! To learn more about how I healed myself by eating it, check out this post.

I let go of so much more in 2018…

I could keep churning out paragraphs about what I released from my life this past year, but another thing I let go of stops me: trying to accomplish too much.

I’ve learned over and over again that productivity does not equal self-worth.

My goal in life is to feel good, and I know that a less is more mentality is more likely to get me there than a maxed out to-do list kind of lifestyle will. Been there, barely functioned doing that!

Take some time to reflect over the next few days.

There is value in reviewing the highs and lows of the year that just passed. Acknowledging your accomplishments and taking note of what you let go of is a beautiful way to start and plan for 2019.

Right now, I’m taking what I’ve learned in 2018 and using it not only to write but to create goals for the year ahead via my desire map planner. (What’s a desire map planner? Think goals with soul, rather than focusing solely on to-do lists. Click here to find out more.)

I hope you have a great 2019 and want to help you start it off on a growth-centric note. Which is why I’m sending out a brand new offering to my readers to start the new year. 🎉

It’s called Therapist Recommended Books to Help You Heal, with, you guessed it, books my therapist recommended.

These books have changed my life in major ways, and I guarantee they will change your life, too. You likely have never heard of them because they aren’t lining the shelves of bookstores. But that’s not because they aren’t incredible resources.

Find out what I mean by entering your name and email here: You’ll get the list delivered to your email January 1st.

Happy New Year to you, and thanks for reading! I hope 2019 brings some amazing experiences your way and that I get the chance to connect with you!

You are loved,

Image via Rakicevic Nenad

The Downside of being a turtle (aka retreating into your shell when life gets scary)

December 5, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

My therapist says I’m like a turtle. I don’t mind her claim. I like turtles and had a few of them as pets growing up. Plus, I know she’s not referring to my overall look, she’s talking about how I retreat into my shell when the world gets a little too scary for me.

Sometimes heaven is not dealing with people. It’s airplane mode when I’m not on a plane, and noise canceling headphones all day long. It’s a strategic disengagement with the alerts and noise so I can concentrate on what’s important, which for me is keeping my head clear so I can be in an optimal state to create, help my clients help others, and make decisions in alignment with my higher self.

Getting my turtle on isn’t the same as disengaging in the name of progress. Turtling (I am hella nervous to google that in case it’s some weird sex thing and I get a ton of porn pop-ups) is a willful retraction from the world driven by fear. It’s fuelled by an aspect of my personality, established in an effort to keep me safe that says, “The world and the people in it might hurt you, so you need to retreat.”

Being a turtle can be dangerous because it keeps us from contributing beautiful bits of ourselves to the world (and the world NEEDS us to be us.)

My immediate goal is to stop being a turtle. I am majorly motivated to change right now. I’m in the midst of doing my damnedest to no longer allow my choices to be dictated by fear, particularly as the countdown to Christmas begins, which I wrote about in this post.

We can’t cut ties with fear. It will ALWAYS be there, prodding us to do or not do things, which means the most productive thing we can do is create a dialogue with it if we’ve never had one, or transform the current dialogue, so we can stop allowing it to convince us to stop participating in life.

Maybe you can relate to me and my turtle issues. If you can, you might find the following plan of non-attack useful the next time fear tells you to retreat into your shell:

 1 – Say hey. I’ve always denied fear’s existence, like it wasn’t OK to say, Whattup? What do you want? I’d get wasted instead of facing my feelings, and be inundated with fear for days.

Yeah, that wasn’t fun. I’m really grateful those days are over because they were B.R.U.T.A.L. But that doesn’t mean I currently live without fear. I still experience it, chattering away at me every day of my life, telling me to do stuff that won’t help me, and not do stuff that will.

After years of trying to outrun it, I now make a conscious effort to engage with fear in a non-aggressive way. I do my best to be patient as it shares its woes because I know from experience the more aggressive and dismissive I am, the more it’s going to pressure me to act on its super shitty advice. No thanks, fear, but I’ll hear you out, out of respect for your power.

 2 – Acknowledge its power. Speaking of power, guess what has the ability to constrict your breathing, give you explosive diarrhea, convince you to pass on incredible opportunities, and emotionally regress to your 10-year-old self? Fear.

Fear is powerful. Respect, witness, and acknowledge it. You do that by noticing when it starts coursing through your body instead of trying to outrun it by getting ragey, overspending, or chugging wine and posting regrettable Facebook pictures/updates (Yeesh, right? Been there, done that. 😳)

There is a tool we all possess that can help us. We tend to minimize it because it seems too good to be true and therefore, we assume it doesn’t work. Yet it has the power to help us process strong emotions instead of allowing them to consume us and dictate our choices.

It’s your breath! Breathing, like a gluten, soy, and corn-free cookie that tastes good, is no fucking joke. And It’s nuts not to use it because it’s free and doesn’t leave you filled with regret. So utilize your breath! (Check out this post from my resource page that offers some breathing methods I use.)

 3 – See it as separate. We blend with fear, almost as much as some people attempt to blend away their nose holes via contouring. (If you want a laugh, check out this YouTube video about contouring by Sailor J. Unless you’re easily offended.)

We don’t see fear as separate from us, but rather, as who and all that we are. We proclaim it to be our master: “Here you go, Fear: the key to my life, even though you have a shitty track record.”

Here’s the deal: Fear isn’t you, it’s an aspect of who you are.

And who you are is human, which means you are one of many other humans on the planet who are equally as skilled at letting fear blend and bully away their power. Therefore, you are not alone in your struggle.

I’m creating a new wellness offering for my readers with book recommendations my therapist gave me. I’ll be sending it out when it’s done (by January 1st! 🎉) because there’s a book in it that does an amazing job of helping you unblend with fear. It’s a life-altering practice and I rely on it heavily in my life. Enter your first name and email here and I’ll be sure to send it to you.

Update: I just gave myself the blinks googling “turtling” and looks like I’m out of the woods because there’s nothing dirty popping up in my search results. Phew.

My goal is to lay off being a turtle and stay more engaged with my feelings, even the ones I don’t enjoy, like fear.

I’m not saying I’m going to do it perfectly, but with the insights I shared with you today reminding me that I can do this, I think I’m in a good position to make some progress when it comes to redirecting my penchant for getting my turtle on.

I hope what I’ve shared might help you in some way. It’s not always easy to share my struggles, but the support I get from readers like you makes it worth the effort. ❤️

Feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comments. You are loved.

The 40 Day Abundance Plan

September 20, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

I’ve decided to embark on a 40-day journey to refurbish my beliefs about money.

Why? Because I’ve spent much of my life in a dysfunctional relationship with money. Maybe you can relate. I’ve danced between overspending, never spending, worrying, being careless, and generally just feeling unsettled on a regular basis about the whole idea of money.

I’ve had wonderful blips of clarity and peace about my finances and experienced first hand how quickly I can manifest income when I’ve got my mind and soul in the optimal loop of thought.

But I’ve always ended up in super unhealthy work environments in the process, and then quickly become reacquainted with the ugh-inducing, low vibing realm of, “How will I ever make the money I want to make, doing what I love?”

I’ve seen what the pursuit of money, and money alone, can do to people. I know what it feels like to have your heart broken over and over again by realizing a loved one cares more about money than you. I’ve struggled with accepting the truth living within me in the vicinity of such people, a truth that affirms kindness, love, compassion, and generosity of spirit are more important than the pursuit of a physical, tangible item.

Because of all of the above and then some, I’ve got a suitcase I carry with me that is overpacked with dysfunctional money beliefs, and confusion over how to feel about it. It not only hurts my back (google money issues and back problems) but my heart, and I’d like to permanently unpack it.

I know it’s possible. I’ve witnessed many creatives I admire and respect to the moon and back get out the other end of money issues without sacrificing their wellbeing. Rather, they’ve ended up in an enhanced state of wellness, not only within themselves but in their bank accounts.

So I’m committing to making a shift happen in my subconscious through my 40-day abundance plan. Here’s what it looks like:

Writing out a statement on the first day, affirming what I know the be true about abundance, and what I choose to believe about it moving forward.
Reading a pro-abundance statement every morning.
Meditating about what I’ve read for 15-20 minutes every morning.
Writing down the thoughts that come to me after meditation.
Rinse and repeat x 40 days.

I started the plan this morning and full disclosure, it was super uncomfortable. However, I was grateful for the discomfort because I know from experience that its existence is a sign something is becoming dislodged in my psyche. And I’m VERY excited to see how my feelings transform over the next 40 days.

Side note: I’m not just winging it. I’ve adapted my plan according to what I read in “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price. And here’s a note from me about the book if you decide to google it or purchase it:

There are many references to God in it. If the idea of God freaks your freak, and you immediately get your hackles up, thinking about hyper-religious sects that do a lot of awful stuff in the name of their religious views that they proclaim God determined they must live by, take a breath. Then lower your shoulders, release your fists, and remember this:

God is a complex term for humans to process. There’s a lot of emotion tied to it depending on our experiences with religion. However, a productive way to process the term God when considering abundance, coming from a former judgemental-of-anyone-who-referenced-God human being who didn’t understand or appreciate the idea of us all bowing down to a white dude and denying the power of the female, is to see God as a synonym for universal energy, not as a physical human being.

Money is energy. It’s an extension of our inner world, of our beliefs. So if there is a lack in your outer world, there is a lack within you as well.

I know a bit about this subject. I’ve been researching it and pondering it for years. But my sub-conscious is all, “I’m comfortable being uncomfortable and worrying all the time. I’m not interested in your new ways, even if they are entirely logical and could potentially make life way more enjoyable and beautiful.”

Hence the 40-day plan, to pilfer out the limiting beliefs living in my psyche that are keeping me from the life I’m on the cusp of experiencing. It’s going to take a bit of work to clear out my sub-conscious but I’m hella optimistic that 40 days will do it.

I believe this truth, by John Randolph Price, infinitely: The good of the whole does begin with each individual.

It serves not only me but the world if I’m free of limiting beliefs. So here we go on the 40-day journey.

To peace and abundance, in our inner and outer worlds. See you in 40 days.

PS: Feel free to leave a comment of support. I would be grateful!