self-compassion

Acts of Desperation

June 5, 2020 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

To learn to withstand our own feelings is the most powerful act of defiance against those that have committed atrocities.

All abusers are desperate to escape how they feel, and their acts of desperation can be catalysts for us to learn how to be with ourselves.

An abuser is driven by their commitment to avoiding how they feel. Their desperation to not feel their own pain motivates them to seek a sense of power through the violation of others.

The path home is through the pain.

Consider the moments when you’ve reacted to your own inner landscape, in ways that didn’t take into account the repercussions of said reactivity.

You might not realize the extent of the pain you caused. Perhaps the person who was hurt by your actions went home, and, afraid of and disgruntled by how they felt, disregarded their child’s needs. As a result, the child felt abandoned by the parent – unsafe – as any child will feel when their inherent need for love and support from their parent isn’t met.

This is trauma.

Humans have strong opinions about what is and what isn’t traumatic. No matter the degree we deem it to be, trauma does not go away by ignoring it. It must be witnessed and felt in order to be transmuted.

We do not think when we are afraid of how we feel inside. We only react to it.

Our desperation to avoid our own pain can cause more trauma, or it can be transmuted IF we commit to doing the work of witnessing it.

Everyone’s pain must be witnessed. Avoided feelings are catalysts for abuse.

It starts with us.

We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves.

We cannot continue to believe the lies that we have been taught: that our feelings can’t be trusted; that it’s not OK to feel.

Now’s the time to learn how to be with ourselves.

We must be our own parents. We must be there for ourselves the way a parent is for a child, whether we had that experience as children or not.

Many didn’t have this dynamic and need it recreated, within themselves, in order to heal and end the perpetuation of trauma.

We must prove to the children within us all that we can be counted on, that we will be there for them, and that we will stop ignoring their needs.

We must allow ourselves to witness and experience how we feel, and honour every human’s right and need to do the same.

The true warrior brandishes no weapon. They courageously look within at their own pain, and say, “This is what lives within me. And it’s alive within all of us.”

—

If you feel inspired to do the work of the warrior along with me, there is a course being offered through Sounds True which can help support you.

It’s called The Power of Awareness and is being offered by Jack Kornfield & Tara Brach, beginning June 8th.

I don’t make cash when you click the link. Just sharing a resource that helped me and might be helpful to you, too.

Power of Awareness | Jack Kornfield & Tara Brach

Out From Hiding

January 28, 2020 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

To say the last, I dunno, 6 years, have been transformative would be an understatement. I really do feel like a different person. And not just when I look back on who I was 6 years ago. I’m talking last week.

Every few days I am aware that I am not the same person I was days before. It’s wild. And amazing. And challenging. And scary at times. But overall it’s freeing.

I’m learning to unhide myself.

Much of the inner work I do is not something I want the whole world to know about or have access to. But there is a driving force within me, pushing me to share it, so I can destigmatize who I am, within myself, and convince others to do the same within themselves. It’s also compelling me to make amends with the existence of pushback from unhinged commentators that know not what the source of their desire to throw their two cents into the ring is all about. A lot of the time the aggressives aren’t consciously aware that they are being aggressive. It’s primal rage. They don’t realize that it’s not me they are mad at.

The days are here, when we are beginning to see the undercarriages of people’s choices and behaviours.

The spin-doctoring of inherently motivated destructive actions is being called out for what it is – manipulation. And people are beginning to feel less afraid to be out in the spotlight because of it. They fear less of being attacked and understand not just the want but the need to be out in the world, sharing themselves and their messages, even if they don’t quite have it figured out why.

We are all beginning to feel the need to show up as ourselves.

If we’re not yet doing that, we feel the call in the whispers of aching to do something different – something that makes us feel alive in ways we may have never felt before, or once felt as children, before life wiped out the belief that this is what life could be about.

I am feeling the call to come out of hiding.

Slowly, I’m dipping my toes into the world as a more fully realized version of myself, with love and respect for the inherent abilities I am meant to put to use. There is an ever-present knowing within me, that reminds me it’s not up for debate – I have to share the deeper parts of me with more than just myself. I have to allow myself to be out in the open fully as I am.

That person isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

That person may get some backlash. That person may be the recipient of some evil eyes. And she might attract people who want to keep her from her power. In fact, she has had a role in that already, attracting people who help her remain in the shadows – who subconsciously or consciously want her to play small. They may not know why they want to help her do that, but their actions show their desires.

OK, enough of the third person. lol! She is me. 🔥 I’ve had a lot of intense experiences lately that have shown me what I may have to face if I continue on this trajectory. The people who don’t or won’t want me to live big. The people who won’t want me to share the stories I’ve been fostering the courage to be able to share, about how I became the woman I am today.

There may be some people who see my power and want to squash it.

This is often an unconscious desire. And there may be times when I will find myself attracted to such people, and have to call myself out for it. That said, there will 100% be plenty of times when I will have to witness the conditioning that compels me to desire people who would prefer me to stay small. To not use my voice, to not perform and not make a scene. It will be really hard. But the hardest thing ever is to stay tiny when I’m meant to be big; to minimize my power when I’m meant to utilize it to the maximum.

I grew up minimizing the gifts I have out of necessity – out of survival.

It took a lot of energy and work to learn how to do that, to live by someone else’s belief system. I wasn’t meant to believe those things about myself, I wasn’t meant to feel the degree of self-hatred I felt.

I can detach from that conditioning – I’ve proven that I can through some particularly difficult transitions, both emotionally and physically.

I’ve shown myself I can do things differently, that I am capable of breaking powerful ancestral patterns. I’ve also proven that I am capable of attracting people into my life – drawing people into my life – who assist me in keeping those patterns alive. And then I’ve proven that I can realize that, do what I need to do to stop it, and witness the exciting results of that powerful act of self-love.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I’m not 100% sure. 😂 This post is about allowing my voice to be heard. It’s to counter energy that attempted to minimize me, and my right to use my space to speak. It’s to let my inner child know that I see it, and I’m going to start living differently, doing things differently, for her. Something inside wants me to say, I’m here, and I’m not what and who you might perceive me to be. I am many things and I am capable of so much more than anyone might understand.

I am an intuitive. I am an actor. I am a poet. I am a writer. I am a consultant. Yes, I am all of those things. But above all of those earthly driven labels that exist so that we may feel a sense of security and belonging, I am powerful. I am a spirit who is here to do the work – to learn and grow, in ways that, to some, and even to myself at times, might not feel or look like work.

And I’m here to set limitations. To create boundaries where none existed. I’m here to say, yes, I have learned from many people and many experiences, but being nice doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. I’m here to say that if someone violates you they don’t deserve access to your life or your energy.

I’m here to learn how to trust my intuition and help other people learn to do the same.

I’m here to show what is possible, by showing that a woman who was abused and addicted and full of self-hatred can become a woman who helps other people free themselves from the energies and forces that traumatized her. And share all the magic that comes when you set yourself free.

I was recently referred to as passive-aggressive. Someone read one of my posts and suggested that was the underlying theme of it. To me, the post in question was a beautiful post. It was from the heart. I wrote it in under half an hour – a forever sign that something else is helping me write and that it needs to be written to help me heal, and maybe others.

This is the work I’m here to do – say no by not saying anything.

To set limitations for those who choose to see my art – the work I do to heal and contribute to healing in the world – as something warped or ugly or unnecessary. These are the same forces that taught me to hate myself and minimize my worth. These forces that demand we be something other than who we are, to appease their discomfort, and not follow the direction of our hearts are the forces I am here to assist in ending. So what if they come packaged in a form other than the sociopathic male I first experienced them in – a person can be kind and ALSO be manipulative.

They can also not know they are being manipulative. We come from trauma. We all have our experiences with it and it shapes us. Our job in life is to do the work of realizing that it has affected us and how, and de-condition ourselves. It’s why we are here. Saying we have issues isn’t doing the work. It’s the starting point. And saying you have problems doesn’t get you free from the harm you have caused another by living from your trauma space. Doing the work does.

We can have compassion for someone who has experienced trauma because we all have, but that doesn’t mean we brush their actions off as acceptable.

It’s still on them to heal. It’s on them to sort out if they’re being manipulative or narcissistic. Or co-dependant.

Narcissism and codependency are intricately linked.

I grew up with a parent who was a sociopath. The byproduct of that was narcissistic behaviours I learned from him and severe co-dependency. I did some shitty things – some destructive things – over the years, living from that trauma state. And then I did the work to realize what was happening and began deconditioning myself.

I still do the work. I filter through my actions to make sure I’m not harming other people, or myself.

It’s the work of self-compassion. The work of self-compassion also entails realizing that someone being upset because you cut them off for violating you is not for you to try to heal or fix; their tears and insults and foot stamping are not reasons to allow them to be in your life if they have violated you.

Trauma attracts trauma. When we realize this we open up the door to a new way of living. When we allow ourselves to be with the discomfort of not wanting people to be upset with us, we can begin to see where it comes from. It can propel us to open a book on co-dependency and see how we have contributed to our current uncomfortable situation, in the absence of self-bullying.

I can be a loving and kind and supportive human being AND still have work to do. Other people can be loving and kind human beings and not be supportive or ready to do the work of realizing they are narcissists. The hardest work is to look within ourselves and see how our pain is leading us, tricking us, keeping us from our power. In my case, it taught me to allow people into my life who contributed to my fear of my power.

Some healing questions I’m asking myself these days:

Who would I be if I allowed myself to step into my power?

Who will I become if I become a great actor? What will my life look like?

Who will I be if I publish my poetry, write a book, go on a book tour?

Who will I be if I provide intuitive counselling sessions? Who will I be if I create a safe space to share what I’ve learned with people who want to do the work too?

Who will I be if I use my inherent talents and abilities to create a foundation for my family, one that allows us the freedom to travel and learn and grow and live without financial constraints?

I have no fucking idea. But I’m ready to find out.

2020 Vibes – Insights Into The Year Ahead

December 31, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

This year I’m doing things a little differently with my new year’s post.

I’m not focusing too much on what happened in 2019 (Trust me – I’ve done enough ruminating on that 😜)…

I’m focusing on sharing insights on how to work with the flow of the year ahead.

I’ve written the following post and also recorded some audio (⬆︎⬆︎⬆︎) which is me, riffing on upcoming themes and sharing some intel on how to work with what comes your way.

The blog post and the audio have different info so feel free to hit them both up. 🖤

There’s some intel based on astrological research and common themes circulating the collective in conjunction with my intuitive insights, and some suggestions on how to meander 2020 and all the Whoa it’s going to offer us in a more productive way.

Check out the audio above or give the following post a read.

Or do both. Whatever works for you. 💛

Insights Into The Year Ahead

1 – Help people heal themselves

When I say help people heal themselves I don’t mean getting all up in people’s faces and business, trying to pour help onto them. It’s super-duper important that we wait until we have been asked, or – this one is a bit trickier to meander – wait for an opening where we can offer assistance to someone who may appear to be in need.

We help others heal by making sure we’re paying attention to how we feel.

Sound weird? Read on.

Let’s say you’re feeling on edge. 2020 will provide you days like that.

What’s important this year is to be your own caregiver and witness how you feel when you feel on edge.

To be gentle – gentler than you have ever been with yourself.

Witnessing how you feel is a powerful act. When you S E E your feelings and your struggle to accept them – when you allow what is to exist – you heal. And that impacts the people around you.

This kind of self-nurturing/self-mothering work acts as a counter to fiery impulses to paint the town or other people crimson with your reactionary driven vibes.

THERE ARE NO LIFE HACKS TO THIS AND IT CAN BE TOUGH BUT…

2020 is the year that we take ownership of our feelings and transform the ways we’ve always reacted to them.

It’s not easy. It takes a lot of hours to become great at something. But every ounce of time and effort we put in contributes to the desired outcome.

In this case, the desired outcome is healing what needs to be healed within Y O U.

We all need to heal to some degree, and a lot of healing happens on the subconscious level – outside of our awareness or capacity to see it happening.

Just because we don’t understand that internal shifts are happening while we do this inner work doesn’t mean healing isn’t going on.

There’s so much healing that goes on below the surface. We don’t have the type of control we desire over it.

We may not get to decide when and how things shift within us, but we are still responsible for putting in the work to make it happen.

We aren’t always able to be voyeurs of the healing that’s happening, ie it’s not always clear what’s going on. But still…

We facilitate the healing we can’t quantify or name by acting like mothers to ourselves when we are struggling.

Instead of shame or blame, we can take a gentler approach to our struggles. We can offer ourselves the patience and love required to heal and accept the unknown (’cause we often try to fight with the reality of changes’ existence. More on this in the next section. 💚)

Note: You really want to shy away from trying to go all mother Teresa on the people you assume require your help in 2020, particularly when they haven’t asked for it.

Often this is born of a desire to not do the work we need to do within ourselves. It’s a procrastination method.

In 2020, be wary of desires to take over – to try to dump what you know onto others who haven’t asked for your input.

There will be a lot of people processing heavy shit this year, and it won’t be helpful if other people are poking their opinions and beliefs into the mix. People need space to process.

Do your best to stay in your lane this year.

A page of my life in 2019 = This was a huge theme for me towards the end of the year. I experienced a lot of people assuming I didn’t know stuff – of them trying to help me with things I didn’t need assistance with. Annoying but also helpful because it was a catalyst for me to be wary of my capacity to do the same to others, and dig into comprehending the difference between caregiving and caretaking. You take from others when you try to help people who haven’t said, “Yes, please help me with this.” You give to them when you honour all that they know in the absence of awareness of the knowledge they possess inside of them.

There may be some circumstances when it is productive to offer assistance. Certain openings may come up that create the optimal environment for you to peek your head in and say, “Hey, do you need some help? ‘Cause I know a little about what you’re going through.”

But there is also power (and the need) to understand that you don’t always need to follow the lead of the inner impulse to offer your two cents.

Q to ask yourself throughout 2020 = Is my input needed, requested, or helpful in this situation?

As hard as it is to watch people struggle (or act like assholes) the struggle can often catalyze change.

When something sucks to experience, it creates an opening – an opportunity – to do things differently.

People don’t always see or take that opportunity when it’s in their face and that’s difficult to witness. But it’s still not up to us to swoop in and try to fix someone or something without being asked.

There are moments when we can follow the inner call to be of service to someone who is struggling. And we do need to listen to those.

We just need to make sure it’s not our ego wanting to just jump in and make things the way we feel they need to be because…

Our conditioning has a powerful impact on our capacity to understand the source of our motivations to get involved in other people’s shit.

A great way to flush out whether your eagerness to get involved or provide unrequested input is a conditioned-based desire or a true, heart-led desire to be of service is to do an inner inquiry. Ask yourself:

Why do I feel called to try to fix something or someone? Is it to avoid the work I need to do on myself? Or is it a pure intention, a soul-led desire to assist?

When we witness people without wanting to change them, we help them heal.

Digging into understanding other people’s Why’s – why they do or don’t do certain things – helps us to detangle ourselves from our conditioning, too. This is especially important in the presence of intense feelings of aggressive judgement.

When you want to lash out at people who lash out, it’s time to pause and inquire.

If we can understand on a cellular level that someone isn’t the sum of our judgments of them, but a person who is facing an emotional undoing and clinging to a desire to not want to change, we help them heal.

Sometimes their intense emotions might make it easy for them to lash out in our presence. That’s never fun to experience.

But anytime we don’t respond to aggression with more aggression we help people heal.

WE ALSO HEAL OURSELVES.

When we’re locked and loaded to anger, resentment, contempt* and judgment we don’t have space within for healing to happen. Rather, we stagnate ourselves.

There’s just too much of the heavy stuff everywhere. There’s no room within us to add anything new, let alone space for what we truly desire to enter the mix.

We need to make room within ourselves for the experiences and feelings we desire to enter the scene. You can’t enter a home that is already at full capacity.

Set the intention this year to create a home within yourself – a landscape that is capable of welcoming new experiences.

Seek out the stuff and things that are taking up a lot of space within you, yet aren’t serving you. Notice their presence and how they affect you. Make sure you see them.

Note: I recommend investigating IFS – Internal Family Systems. It’s a powerful process. There are a lot of books about it. Hit me up for recommendations.

* A note on contempt: This is a theme that needs to get flushed out this year. It’s a powerful relationship destructor. We need relationships with others and ourselves to be productive – to get where we’re destined to go. To learn more about contempt check out this post in my resource section.

2 – Use your fire strategically

There will be a lot of transitions this year. A lot of change. And with all the change comes resistance.

We can’t avoid the changes that are coming.

All we can do is set the intention to uncover the courage within to trust that these new experiences are for our greater good – both the ones that feel good and the ones that feel bad.

A lot of things need to die.

They may be broken but we keep using them because it’s familiar to us. We may feel comfortable using something that’s broken, and even feel safe amidst the long-term struggle, of trying to make something broken work for us, not against us.

In 2020, what’s broken is going to need to be parted with.

Car analogy = Say your car is on the fritz and it finally breaks down on the highway. Instead of calling a tow truck and sorting out how to get home, you bang your fists on the window for hours, believing the car will come back to life if you beat it enough – that you’ll magically end up driving away at some point by doing the same thing, over and over again, even though it’s not helping you one iota.

You don’t want to do this kind of unproductive stuff in 2020.

Change is coming. Stuff you’re used to will change, evolve, grow. Die. Versions of who you once were are ready to die.

IE you’re going to evolve, whether you want to or not. It can be difficult or less difficult depending on your willingness to realize that you can’t stop this train.

Evolution baby. It’s here. And no fist banging is going to stop it.

If you’ve gone most of your life fighting with change this year is going to be tough. If you’ve extensively and redundantly resisted change then this year is going to be hella challenging.

2020 is the year of doing the inner work required to get you in alignment with the work you’re here to do. ∞ ∞ ∞

If you’ve got a lot of fire within you it’s probably helped you act or not act throughout your life. You can use your fire to dig your heels in and be stubborn AF. You can use your fire to foster an extensively reactionary way of interacting with others.

You can also use your fire as a strategy to help align you with what you truly want to experience in life.

Right now is the time to start interrogating HOW you use your fire, and question if it’s helping.

I use the word interrogate to highlight the need to take this seriously. Not to self-shame or bully yourself about how you’ve been doing things, but to get serious about taking a comb to how you react to your experiences and your feelings.

Question if how you’ve been doing things is helping you achieve what you truly desire, and/or what you could do differently to align yourself with feeling how you want to feel.

Easy to crap on the fiery aspects of our personalities; Productive to use the fire to your advantage.

In 2020, direct your fire toward strategies that serve you.

How are you going to process strong emotions when they come up? What will you do when you feel out of your skin uncomfortable with certain feelings? STRATEGIZE.

If you don’t have a fiery personality to help you establish and use a strategy, seek out people who have the fire you need.

The energy of who you surround yourself with affects you. So get strategic with who you surround yourself with.

Absorb their energy. Use their energy to help fire you up. Tap into their gifts and abilities. Work with them and learn through them. And use what you learn to help work through what needs to be worked through.

NOTE: If you want more direction or guidance on how to work with what you’ve got in the year ahead check out this page.

3 – A time for celebration

Within the intense periods of 2020, there exists room to celebrate.

The changes we struggle to accept, and the fear that bubbles up when we feel uncomfortable about how we feel: these are all signs of the capacity for amazing things to arise from the wake of change.

Over the years I’ve uncovered a powerful capacity to witness what is beyond my current experience or feelings – what my fear and discomfort are capable of unveiling.

I know the power of inner work – of sitting with how I feel and allowing myself to feel my feelings. It’s a catalyst for amazing experiences to unfold.

This is not easy work.

The fallacy of our society and our humanness, which trips us up A LOT is that somehow this inner work is supposed to be easy. That it needs to be easy.

Some things are easy. And some things are just easier for some people.

This kind of inner work isn’t easy for ANYONE.

It’s the hardest work you can do, to witness the feelings you are taught to deny, push down, or ignore.

But the outcome of the witnessing is magic.⚡️⚡️⚡️

As you inevitably experience some challenges throughout 2020, remember what these challenging times are capable of producing.

You might not be able to see what’s coming, but something is being created within and through the heaviness of strong emotions and disruptions to the ease and flow you crave.

You might not always be able to see the sky, but it’s always there. And within the murky waters is clear water that is fueling you towards your soul-driven desires, whether you see it or not.

What you truly want is at the other end of all the change 2020 is bringing.

It’s braided within it and throughout it, waiting to be unveiled, IF you allow what needs to happen for it to come to the surface to happen.

I’m not saying this year ahead is going to be awful, and I’m not saying it’s going to be easy either.

2020 is going to be different.

It’s going to be filled with never-ending opportunities to evolve which will go a lot smoother IF you allow the currents of change to take you, instead of clinging to a reed (a refusal to accept change) which is destined to break.

∞ Breathe deeply and float with the currents of 2020 ∞

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Give yourself lots of breaks from the inner work you do in 2020.

Balance out the intensity with lightness.

Watch a lot of funny movies. Read some beautiful books. Travel when you can (travelling can mean walking around the block).

Allow for moments to mentally disengage with all that draws from you.

Align yourself with energies that serve you. That means making sure your Instagram and FB feeds are filled with energy that empowers you.

Every action we make in life is a vote for what we want to experience. Unfollow all accounts that contribute to you feeling small, not good enough – not empowered.

Side note: you don’t have to explain yourself or your actions made in the name of your own wellness to anyone. Not replying is a message. (Not sure who needs to read that but I sure do.)

Also: Shut your phone off. A lot

When I see my phone I see its power to siphon from all the work I’m doing to heal myself. Social media is a rabbit hole of getting caught up in what other people are doing when we need to focus on doing what it takes to achieve what we desire. Especially in 2020.

That said, phones are amazing, right?? 🙏🏻🤗😜 I love my iPhone and all my tech stuff. It’s what allows me to do what I do with flow and ease.

BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN ALL OF THAT TECH STUFF NEEDS TO BE TURNED OFF. Or at least put on airplane mode, save for your kids or immediate family.

And here comes my word for the year ahead again…

STRATEGIZE!

What’s working? What’s helping you achieve what you desire? What’s not? Flush it out. Consistently – with tenacity.

That’s it for my thoughts on 2020.

Thank you for reading! And if you listened to the audio above – thank you! It’s the first of many. 🖤

Feel free to reach out with Qs about anything I shared, or book a reading.

Lots of love,

Managing other people’s perceptions – it’s a thing

December 10, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

There’s no way around it: trying to manage other people’s perceptions can lead to some interesting situations.

If you feel called to put yourself out into the world in a public way you’ll receive a bevy of opportunities to help you figure out how to make amends with the drive to convince people they’ve got it twisted about you.

And if you take an inventory of all the times you’ve tried? You might come up with what I came up with: a bunch of moments when it didn’t work our that well, ie it got super messy and fast.

We can try to have a conversation with someone, about how their judgments of us are way off, but if we do we have to accept that it might not end well.

They might end up judging us even more and we might end up emotionally drained.

Truth time: the person who feels inclined to make mad assumptions is rarely willing to have a conversation about the forces behind their desire to shove you into a box. IE the inner influences that convinced them that judging was the righteous path.

So you have to meander the territory of feeling like you need to defend yourself amidst the reality that if you try to, it likely won’t help you or them in any capacity.

Silence is a message. Not replying is a message.

I’ve integrated the practice of not responding to communications that don’t empower me over the past couple of years, and it’s resulted in a lot of peace and emotional growth. I have more time and space within myself to do the work I need to do.

Much of it comes down to a desire to not enable. I can have compassion for people who are suffering, while choosing not to provide fuel for aggressive behaviours.

Not responding helps you step back into your power.

In the presence of emails, comments and people that aren’t showcasing a desire to empower or nurture you, don’t engage.

I live by the mantra that if you aren’t willing to be honest about your intentions and the source of your drive to judge me, you don’t get my time or energy.

I also live with the need to remind myself of that mantra quite frequently 😂

My life experiences taught me that I needed to protect myself from everyone, all the time. So this is a tough one for me. I need the reminder that I don’t need to show up for things that aren’t serving me a lot – that I don’t need to contribute to unproductive conversations.

If you feel called to put yourself out into the world in a public way, set the intention to heal from the desire to engage with the judgments of strangers.

It’s part of my path, to do the work I do as a writer. And now with acting – it’s kind of the next level of putting yourself out there. Getting in front of a camera can be scary. I need all the energy and emotional resolve I can muster to look after myself – to process the fear and still do a good job.

I can’t funnel my energy into managing perceptions of me AND do a great job.

My energy needs to be focused on what’s important – the areas that impact my capacity to show up and do the work I’m meant to do.

So does yours. Yes, it absolutely does suck when people judge us. It feels crappy and sometimes bizarre (especially this recent one for me. whoosh! It was extensively bizarre!)

But damn if it isn’t a sign you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing.

Stay on track. Mind the lane you’re in – yours – and let other people do whatever they want to do in their own lanes.

‘Cause they’re gonna do it no matter what.

The fallacy is that we can change people, convince them they are wrong or teach them the ways they are wrong.

The most self-loving, self-kindness infused lesson you can offer is the gift of not engaging with judgment.

Honouring yourself is witnessing the moments that affirm you’re doing what you’re meant to do. Even the ones that don’t feel so good to experience.

So honour yourself. Love yourself. And repeat.

A story about recovering from relationship trauma

August 9, 2019 by Must Love Crows 1 Comment

Yesterday I ran into 2 of my ex-boyfriends. One online and one in real life.

The first one was via an email alert that said dude wanted to connect with me online for the third-ish time. And I was like, “Nawww dude. Nuh uhhhh. S t o p.”

See, this ex isn’t someone I want to connect with. Not necessarily because he cheated on me and treated me like garbage, but because for years I damaged myself even more than he did with his actions by taking ownership of the way he treated me.

I’m talking I thought up until a few years ago that it was my fault he was so awful to me.

The destructive narrative went like this: I shouldn’t have been so crazy. So uncool. He might not have dumped me and cheated on me if I’d acted and been different.

Time and self-love have taught me that you will indeed go fucking crazy if the person you love all of a sudden ghosts you. Like if he flat-out disappears from your life one day, and then shows up again weeks later, trying to get back together with you.

You will go another shade of crazy if you have prior abandonment issues from childhood that are triggered AF throughout this lapse of time.

The extra layer of icing on your so-called crazy label? When he follows up the mind fuckery by dumping you after cheating on you with a woman who has the gall to have drinks at the bar you’re tending after you find out. 🤯

Yes, all of these situations make it all the more likely that you will indeed get emotional as fuck, and people may throw the crazy card on the field in your presence (did I just make a football reference? I think so? I don’t know FA about football 😂)

Somehow, I got it twisted in my heart and head about who needed to take ownership of HIS CHOICE to be awful.

I made it about me, directing the shame about what he did and how painful it was to experience onto myself. And I carried that shame with me for years.

I made his issue my issue. And I tried to do what I was taught to do – be cool about how horrible he treated me.

I have a lot of experience with men behaving horribly and acting as though nothing happened. That everyone and everything is fine, and anyone who doesn’t feel the same way is irrational. With my experience with emotional and physical abuse in my pocket, I carried the shame of bullying myself for expressing how much pain I was in as a result of the abuse I experienced.

I stifled my feelings about how my ex behaved, to the point that I even tried to be friends with him afterward to somehow save face and disengage with the crazy label I was offered and took ownership of.

To be clear AF: I owned feeling ashamed of the strong emotions that surfaced as a result of being traumatized by the person I loved. When the person I loved abandoned me, both physical and mentally – when he abused me – I took responsibility for his decisions.

All that said, my ex is currently all, please connect with me online social and I’m all, hells no. ‘Cause I’m done with the enabling.

If I accept his invitation I’m enabling him.

This grown man is never gonna learn that what he did isn’t OK. And dude needs to learn and own up to his behaviour, ‘cause I wasn’t the only woman he treated like garbage.

He was nearing 30 years old when I had my experience with him, so there is no Oh, he was a young kid that didn’t know any better to use as an excuse.

Even if he was and is clueless about what he did, he doesn’t get a pass for being cruel. He is responsible for his choices.

An apology is required. And I’m not talking about a two worded “I’m sorry,” just so I can heal. I accept what happened and how it affected me. I don’t need his words to make me all better. I am my own healer.

What I’m talking about apology wise is that for the betterment of society and the healing of everyone, particularly him, he needs to get clear on what he did.

He needs to understand what he did and explain in detail what he is sorry for. So he can learn and grow from what he did, and realize it’s not OK to emotionally abuse someone. In the hopes that he will go out into the world moving forward and be a better human being.

All I can do on my end is focus on healing.

Part of that process requires taking stock of what I’ve done to cause harm to others and myself in the depths of my own inner tumultuous landscape.

I cannot and will not pretend I haven’t done some shitty stuff. But Lord knows that the answer to How do I forgive myself for what I’ve done? is not creeping on people’s facebook pages and liking their pictures, or asking the people I have harmed to connect with me without a conversation.

And two-feet-on-the-ground revelation: why is an ex contacting me, a married woman, anyways? What are your intentions, dude?

Unless it’s to have a conversation about what happened, there’s nothing pure going on.

If it’s anything like the dude’s from high school with zero boundaries who want to connect so they can poke me on FB at 2 am, my guess is there’s some dysfunction you want to hand-deliver me.

AND I DON’T WANT YOUR PACKAGE OR ATTENTION.

High school is where the other ex originated from. The heavy back story is that this guy is known for serially cheating on his partners. He learned to have no respect for women and run his life according to his penis. He learned to lie and cheat and minimize and manipulate. And I’m not going to enable him by pretending like we are old chums when he sees me in the grocery store anymore.

He never owned up to his cruelty. He never took ownership of his terrible behaviour. And without him taking ownership by exhibiting some form of understanding of what he did and how it harmed others, my door is sealed shut.

Dude hasn’t earned the right to be in my space.

He must understand that I’m not into being his friend by now because when he saw me yesterday he left me alone. A swift change from last year when he eagerly came up to me with the insecure cockiness of his 16-year-old self.

Or the years ago when he kept trying to message me, and I inherently knew it was an attempt to have sex with me, even though he was married to the same woman he cheated on me with in high school.

Straight up: dude’s don’t just randomly message their married exes. They wanna have sex with them. At least that’s been my experience so please don’t come at me for speaking my truth.

With all that heat in me and a commitment to protecting myself from people who haven’t earned the right to be in my life, I saw my ex walk out of the grocery store yesterday and the strangest thing happened.

I felt a tidal wave of empathy for him. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and almost started crying right in the store.

I pictured him as a little boy who was taught to be shitty to women – who was taught that cheating, shaming, minimizing and trying to manipulate his way into a married woman’s life so he can possibly fuck her is OK.

To demoralize the trust in a relationship, and lie, cheat and steal his way into feeling a sense of power and belonging in this hyper misogynistic world – that is his idea of normalcy.

And all I could think was how devastatingly sad he must feel inside, to feel compelled to act in such a soulfully wounding way.

So I let myself feel that for a minute and the shock of the significant inner shift from disgust to compassion. And when it was over I silently said to myself, “Thank you.”

Why thank you? Because I was so damn grateful for the reprieve from all the years of loathing him and all the men like him.

I have been incapable of picturing the little boys who learned to normalize shittiness up until now. And the sadness of empathy felt like freedom.

It was fresh air bursting into my chest cavity, cracking open my heart so wide that the pain of the betrayals, the shame, and the devastating humiliations and abandonments could begin to detach from my being.

I know the little kid in both my exes must be so scared and confused and hurting. You have to be all those things to not comprehend that what you did warrants ownership, not friendship requests.

You can’t be an asshole and be OK. Inside, your spirit is being starved.

Every single time you go out into the world with the intention to serve solely yourself, your ego, and/or your dick, you harm others. That is sadness incarnate.

And I know sadness.

I know how it feels to feel empty inside and try to fill yourself up with shitty behaviours because you don’t know how to survive the emptiness.

I know the fear and desperation very well. And I might not have a dick, but I know what it is to learn how to be shitty out of survival.

I also know how to unlearn it. I know how to own my pain and break the cycle of displacing it. I know how to call out the bullshit I was taught. And I know how to call out the men I used to love.

Because I’ve done the work. And it’s time for them to do the work, too.

Everything is NOT in its place (and that’s OK)

June 4, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

It was 2 am and I had to pee. But I didn’t want to get up because I didn’t want to wake up my cat. 😂

If you’ve got kids, cool, you know what I mean.

Nothing worse than them waking up in the middle of the night thinking it’s time to get up and do day time stuff when you’re trying to take care of business.

Except for me, instead of a human child, it’s a long-haired black cat/parrot.

(The parrot reference = he mimics our voices which is equal parts hilarious and cute).

Jack the cat likes to assume that my late night shuffles down the hallway are invitations to get chatty:

Oh hey! You’re awake! Come on, let’s talk! Also, I need Food!!

That’s what happened last week. He heard me with his hyper Vulcan hearing and came chirping and dramatically meowing down the hallway.

And he wanted stuff from me.

He wanted to be petted and brushed, followed by treats and food – ASAP.

Jack the cat, committing sock felonies and leaving his DNA (read: fur) EVERYWHERE

Hard not to want to oblige – he’s pretty cute.

But he already had food, he just wanted his food a certain way.

His preferred way of being fed is freshly out of the can with the dish placed directly underneath him on the chair (which happens to by MY chair! 😂)

This is funny because it’s not like he has a discerning palate. He’s been busted eating garbage multiple times.

And he doesn’t know the difference between a few hours old and fresh food. I trick him by mixing up his older food, pretending like I just made it, and he falls for it every time!

The real issue is that he wants things a certain way or else he deems them unacceptable.

Cat idiosyncrasies might be cute during the day, but at 2 am when you’re tired and need to pee, they’re overrated.

So I said hello to him, peed, and peaced out behind my closed bedroom door. Then I woke up a few hours later to a startling realization:

I AM EXACTLY LIKE MY CAT.

I am rigid about how things need to be. Sometimes I even reject things because they aren’t the way I want them or expect them to be.

Some of those expectations are in my best interest.

For example, I expect the people in my life to be supportive and loving, or else I don’t allow them into my life.

Boundaries are an important part of the whole mental health mystery. If they aren’t in place, you’re gonna struggle.

But getting caught up in how things need to look and feel and be in other areas is really siphoning the joy out of my life.

I have a lot to be joyful about, just like Jack the cat does. I have good food, good love and support, rewarding work, and stuff and things I’m grateful for.

I am hashtag blessed, yet I let strict expectations run my show, blurring my ability to relax and enjoy all the beauty that comes with the unexpected.

I want to go with the flow more. I want to enjoy the process of life.

I want to experience joy when it’s happening.

To make that happen I need to ditch my drive to control how everything looks and feels.

The 2 am wake up with my fur child has inspired me to investigate my default settings. I’ve begun asking myself some squirm-in-your-seat questions:

Am I allowing the joy to come through in this experience?

Am I shutting myself off from joy by gripping to rigid “ideals” that are anything but?

**It can be really scary to accept that your default response is causing you to suffer.**

All it takes is one unsolicited should-based response from a stranger focusing on your perceived failures instead of the courage it took to be honest about the fact that you don’t have it all figured out, to compel you to clamp your heart shut on stuff that needs to be addressed.

But living with a closed heart is an expensive way to live. It siphons from your ability to experience joy.

So instead of buying into denying or ignoring your issues, focus on taking your power back.

The next time you get uncomfortable about the idea of inquiring into the existence of your own counterproductive default settings – particularly how being truthful about them might be perceived by others – percolate on this statement:

Unless you’re in the arena, too, Brenda, I’m not open or interested in your opinion.

(No offence to any Brenda’s out there. It just felt like the right name for this example.)

If you’re doing this kind of work, you’re on a different wavelength than the should-ers.

Unrequested (and unsupportive) critiques of your journey are coming from people who are not in the same realm of thinking as you, so their comments don’t have a place in your life.

Walk on by unsupportive comments.

Don’t take ownership of them. Just step on over and past them, and keep on walking.

Keep being courageous, ’cause that’s what these kinds of inquiries require: Courage.

FYI: the quote above (minus the Brenda reference) is from Brene Brown’s new Netflix special which I highly recommend you watch.

Watching TV can be self-care if it’s lighting you up like Brene’s show did for me. 😍

I hope something within this post resonated with you. You are loved.

Pssst: If you liked this post you might want to sign up to receive the occasional email from me (anywhere from 1 to 2 per month max.) That’s where this post originated. 🙂