Disclaimer: This post is a different flavour than any I’ve shared below. It’s filled with a lot of channelled intel and insights via the current astrology, which I haven’t really talked about before. IE I was afraid people would think I was too woo-woo – crazy perhaps – to share anything like this.
The reality is I have a vast capacity to channel information and guidance, and the time has come, so I’ve been told, to integrate that into this blog. I can’t keep holding back on who I am and my intuitive abilities and I need to just start sharing for the sake of helping people, whether other people approve or not.
I see anyone who feels triggered by me or what I’m doing as an affirmation that what I’m doing is important. So yeah, if you wanna get mean or weird about what I’m integrating into my posts, ahem, you’re welcome, ’cause it’s an opportunity for you to reconcile your feelings about this subject matter. IE get clear about WHY you’re triggered. I might not have anyone reacting shitty but my inner child is pretty sensitive to feeling attacked and wanted me to share that bit.
ANOTHER NOTE: I don’t have the energy or will to care that much about spelling or formatting when I’m sharing stuff like this. So if you see obvs errors that’s cool – Momma’s choosing to have a bath and do yoga over perfectionism today. 🖤💁🏻♀️
I was 30 when I had my existential crisis.
Correction, just about to hit 30. I had been floundering for a while. Lost and not sure what to make of my life. I had a shit ton of unaddressed trauma that was guiding me around at the time, suggesting I make really counterproductive life choices.
READ: shit was messy and loud. The opposite of pretty. Which, for a girl who put “look cute” at the top of her priority list her ENTIRE life, was a great catalyst for an existential crisis.
I recall a lot of blunders leading up to it. A lot of inner turmoil showing it’s face in ugly ways. I even ended up in jail once. Add booze to someone on the brink of an existential crisis and that’s what enters the picture: handcuffs. But like, not the fuzzy pink kind, the steel ones that bruise your wrists.
Things were rough and remained rough, before, during and after the point when I realized, “Oh fuck – I’ve been doing life wrong.”
This wasn’t about me understanding that prioritizing escapism wasn’t a good fit for me. This was about being closed-fist punched in the face with the realization that the foundation of my life – my beliefs – were really messed up and needed to be reformulated.
I remember feeling deeply wounded over the fresh knowing that my friendships were all destructive. Like every single one of them. Essentially ALL of the relationships I had nurtured throughout my life were seriously unhealthy. They were doing the exact opposite of nurturing me and the other people involved. And I felt catastrophically alone when I realized that truth.
Gonna take a moment to share that all this stuff I’m sharing might feel a bit off-topic with it being so close to Christmas. But alas there is a point which is coming along soon (I think? A lot of this is being funnelled into my head, ie channelled, and I don’t get to decide what comes up.)
So my foundation inspection results came in right around the time I turned 30 and it proved that it was rotting.
I was attempting to exist on a foundation that was dying, or already dead, and needed to be rebuilt. Which was a difficult task because I legitimately had no tools to rebuild a foundation with.
If we allegorize and think about this from a construction standpoint, I had a house to build – that I had to build – but I had no blueprint or money. No resources to rely on to help me actually build it. All I had was the fresh knowing that shit needed to be built, ASAP.
And I’m an Aries sun. Well, I am more than that – we are ALL way more than our sun sign alone. Moon or ascendant much? Yeah, that stuff has a powerful effect on understanding the essence of YOU. But I am a fan of things being done yesterday.
Productivity is my BFF. Patience is a skill I foster on the daily, ie I have to work at it. So knowing that something needs to be done asap and not having the tools or ability to get it done asap is like nails on a chalkboard for me.
So what did I do with my discomfort over not knowing what to do? Hoped a fresh foundation would build itself and kept doing what I’d always done. I kept drinking. Kept partying. Kept keeping company with people as destructive as I was. I didn’t know how to do the work I needed to do, so I didn’t try for a while.
Long story short, I did eventually seek out the tools and put them to use. If I hadn’t this blog wouldn’t be in existence and I would probably be dead from an overdose. And I feel that having an existential crisis at 30 was pretty profound, because a few more years and I might not of made it.
I feel like the going age of a crisis of the foundation, as I am now calling what I experienced, has always been associated with being much older. The reality is it can happen at any age.
At some point, we all get called out in powerful ways about the work we haven’t done.
I got called to begin my work at 30. In Astrology this is often referred to as a Saturn return. Saturn is a planet of hard lessons and it forces you to face them.
There were signs that I had work to do prior to 30 that I ignored. But suffice to say that at 30 there were no more passes available – I had to dig in. And it was tumultuous and hard and devastating at times, but I did it because there were no more options. It was that or death, and I am of the belief that whatever we don’t deal with in this life just get carries over into the next. I wanna handle it now, thank you very much.
Right now, in December 2019, we are facing an opportunity to reconcile all the work we haven’t done which isn’t really up for discussion. This is the beginning of the process of being forced to learn what hasn’t been learnt, witnessed or addressed.
All the work we haven’t done is going to come up to show its face. If we have been putting off dealing with the cracks in our foundations, we will be called to deal with it, some of us in loud and what might feel like hostile ways.
All the things that are keeping us from aligning with our purpose will need to be addressed.
Side note on that: your purpose is enmeshed in the things that light you up when you do them or think about them.
Example from my life right now = I’m going through what feels like a physical attack. My middle back to my neck is seized in a way it has never seized before.
It started on Friday the 13th (I mean, I just can’t with this shit 😂) in the form of stabbing feelings in the top right of my shoulder, but like stabbing feelings I’ve never had before. And I was laughing about it because I knew something profound was going on.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of jealousy within myself.
I’ve been witnessing it and allowing it to transform – seeing my default response to some people and letting myself feel it and know it. I’m sensing a lot of jealousy from others as well. I’m picking up on outer judgement.
Whether it be a family member thinking, “WTF is she doing? Intuitive readings? Really??” or my own insecurities about being judged, or a more obvious and loud version of it, alas someone from my acting class behaving in a way that says, “let me steer her wrong ‘cause her sparkle is making the sparkles I’m trying to show seem less exciting”.
A LOT of jealous energy is coming in hot right now.
It’s definitely a mood, of which not all of what I’m feeling is mine. I am a sponge for energy. But I feel it’s the mixing together of all the inner and outer jealousy that’s manifesting in my body as this rigidity. The message = “Look at the stagnation that comes from jealousy. It’s like two heads butting together.”
Also, “let go of what is not yours.”
We take on so much of other people’s energies. It’s not ours to own. Set it free. Set the intention to be free of it.
I see a lot of child-like energy coming through and out into the world right now.
“I don’t like what you’re doing. It affects my ability to feel comfortable.” What I’ve learned to the highest through my obsession with learning about people and the Gods (ie roman, Egyptian etc) and how connected we all are to these mythical archetypes is that THEY ARE JEALOUS AF ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So there can be energies coming in from people and let’s say other energies, that are trying to say, “stop doing what you’re doing – it’s affecting my comfort” and our job is to say, “That’s cute that you’re interested in what I’m up to but NO.”
I see a lot of attacks happening spiritually. This judgement energy is coming in via diverse avenues (like my seized back or my GF’s 5 am wake up by what felt like a slap in the face with energy) but it’s ALL here to teach us. It’s saying, “Listen, this is the shit you’re up against. It’s not super fun but it’s time to reconcile how you feel about all the attempts to keep you down – to keep you from stepping into your power. Witness what these behaviours in others actually are and the source of them, and align with what will TRULY keep your fire going.”
This a VERY exciting time for the collective and our capacity to see the power in what is occurring will steer us through the dark shit.
It’s also a great time to balance out the intensity of transformation with the light.
There is a reason all of these big shifts are happening at Christmas. There’s plenty of sparkle and fun to rely on to create the necessary balance between the heaviness of facing intense energies like judgement and seeing the silliness and fun that can simultaneously exist. And lot’s of good food to appease the internal and external tensions too! lol!
The other reason it’s happening right now- at least for some of us – is so we can LOOK at our foundations – the systems in place, like traditions – and see if any cracks need mending.
Mending could look like shaking up your traditions and see HOW they may no longer be serving you.
You might need to refurb what you’ve always done to accommodate a newer version of yourself. No longer going along with traditions you were taught (ie the ones other people are comfortable with) and creating new ones that align with who YOU are now is an option this Christmas, and a powerful one.
This may be redundant but I’m really honing in on the reckoning that’s going on with forces that don’t want to lose their power – that are fighting with the reality, that the ways they’ve always done things are being categorically dismantled.
Some people and energies are arguing with the existence of change, both consciously and subconsciously, and inadvertently attempting to alter the course of those that are integrating said change.
Your task: stay the course amidst the turbulence.
A human’s fave way to not do the work they need to do is to procrastinate via judgement. It’s so obvious and tired and dated AF, but I’m witnessing the need to find a more lighthearted response within ourselves, to those that reject all that gets in the way of their agenda being met.
It’s not about something fucking with us, it’s about someone or something not wanting their agenda to be altered in any way.
A craving to cling to the old and tired and broken. It’s not about us, it’s about this bigger, louder, larger unstoppable shift that these people (and energies) are attempting to argue with, and that is just laughable.
It’s like they’re trying to fight with the seasons changing – you can’t stop the natural flow or order of the universe. It’s gonna do what it’s gonna do whether you like it or not.
But our reaction and response to these attempts to argue with reality don’t need to be heavy, or “go fuck yourself” flavoured. I feel the NEED to see these attempts for what they truly are, at their core, and then align with the lightheartedly via, “OK – That’s an intense reaction. But I get what is fuelling it. And see how fear is leading this person – this energy – is silly. You can’t fight what’s coming. You can’t fight change.”
This whole human experience is so silly in so many ways. And there are so many opportunities to see the silliness – the bizarre – instead of getting so heated about it.
I’m honing in on my capacity to do that right now. I mean, my back is seized AF and I’m having pains I’ve never felt before, and I can laugh about it instead of going down the rabbit hole of being afraid that I’m going to end up dead because of it.
It’s so nice to integrate the understanding that THIS discomfort is all part of the process and for my greater good. Something is being processed and yes, it’s uncomfortable, but change is happening within me and THROUGH this discomfort.
The opportunity to understand beyond the mind’s capacity to make sense of our experiences is here. We can know something on an intellectual level, but integration of that knowledge needs to happen on a cellular level.
We can’t rely on the mind alone to understand.
What we learn needs to be holistically integrated, or else it’s not true understanding.
Intentions are key with this. Setting and affirming the intention to figure it out from a holistic standpoint.
And helpful: If we can remember the true source of any loud and brash and obvioous attempts to resist change (ie people getting heated AF about something we’re doing that they feel triggered by) WHILE such attempts are happening, we can step into an even greater understanding of our power.
Final thoughts:
We NEED to create space within ourselves for what we want, to actually enter our lives.
Nothing can come in if we are filled up with judgement. It takes up too much space.
When energetic space is cleared out we inadvertently create avenues for amazing shit to come into our lives. True story. Happens to me all the time.
THAT’S how important it is, to process the feelings that come up, ie the ones that feel uncomfortable and you were taught to avoid or push down and away through various means.
Accepting and feeling your feelings: it’s the difference between experiencing the abundance we you desire and straight up not experiencing it.
I’ll be spending some QT with myself over the next while, setting the intention to create that necessary space by ridding myself of energy that is no longer serving me.
If you feel the call to do the same, please do. The time to act is now – it just happens to be occurring during the Christmas season which feels a little weird but the timing is no coincidence.
That which needs to be faced and dealt with will command your attention, regardless of what time of year it is or what age you are. It speaks when it wants to speak and it wants you to act. And it won’t let up until you do.
I hope something within this post resonates for you. 📡 Do you have an existential crisis story that was profound for you? What did you learn? Reach out if you feel the pull. I’d love to hear from you.
xo
A
