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Self-Healing - Empowerment - Evolution

health

Why I’m So Damn Tired

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I’m tired, Y’all.

I’m tired of seeing and hearing women embrace the patriarchy, and shit on and minimize other women.

I’m tired of witnessing women refuse to do the work required to see the truth below their lack of empathy: that they don’t like or trust themselves.

If you’re a woman, and you feel the need to slap hurtful generalizations onto other women, you’ve got some work to do.

And I feel for you, babe. It’s not easy work. But being awful to your fellow females is gonna make things even harder for you in the long haul.

‘Cause, it feels so shitty to be mean – just awful.

To be clear, when someone acts shitty, it’s not the human being that’s awful, it’s their behavior.

It’s much more humane to separate the human being from their actions – This opens the door to forgiveness, which opens the door to connection.  

I’m tired of doing the empath/narcissist dance, too – Lord grant me the strength in that department. 

I don’t want to be better than anyone else. I just wanna get clear on how to not enable behavior that attempts to minimize other people’s feelings, without having my soul sucked dry in the process.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to fight for what’s right, but hyper-aware that it’s what I need to do at times.

I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable, but cognizant of how prevalent discomfort is in the growth equation.

What I really want is for things to be easier for everyone. And I want things to be easy because I occasionally subscribe to the greatest indoctrinated falsity: that life can somehow be easy.

Now, to my dearest full moon, the biggest and most powerful one of the year:

You are making me tired. I love you girl, but I just can’t wait until you leave town.

Seriously. The last week or so has been madness. Absolute emotional madness.

See you all in a few days, on the other side of all of this very human frustration/confusion.

xo

A

 

Dressing Room Deficiencies

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More often than not, I eat to heal my body and mind. Though as the “more often” suggests, it’s not always the case.

I have a very human inclination to want to look good. Diagnosed with anorexia in my late teens, I am mindful, if not a bit concerned at times, of my steady concern over what I’m eating.

But the sprinkles on that learned, need-to-be-in-control-of-everything cupcake (mmmm cupcakes) is that these days I recognize and value the difference between eating to be healthy and eating to look a certain way.

Today, weight loss isn’t the primary focus. Rather, it’s a welcome side effect of committing to healing my body through the foods I eat.

And I gotta say, it’s been incredibly freeing, to stop worrying about how much cardio I need to do to work off a burger, to stop being scared to eat a piece of fruit, and to retire the tendency to worry about getting enough protein at every meal. (We don’t need that much.)

As a result of eating healthy, my waist size is what it was in my early 20s. The difference being that I got there through a desire to be well, not a low-carb-based obsession with looking a certain way.

For me, age has brought wisdom and self-love, which is a welcome departure from self-loathing and feeling insufficient at every turn. It’s helped me put my health first.

Unfortunately, the garment industry hasn’t followed suit.

Imagine, if you will, late 30-something me, attempting to find jean shorts.

I love jean shorts. They are my go-to summer attire. Presently, none of my old pairs fit me, and sadly I didn’t save any from my early 20s (which is a good thing and of benefit to society.)

So I’m on the hunt for shorts. You know, something that doesn’t show off my goods (no one needs to see your hoo-hoo ladies) but doesn’t cover up too much, because I’m not a nun either. I want to feel the elements on my gams. 

A few dressing rooms in, and I’ve squeezed myself into a large sampling of ill-fitting pairs. I’m talking gaping at the waist so you can see my goods shorts, with thighs squished in like sausage casings. Super attractive stuff, said no one, ever.

I start laughing because this is some funny shit. I mean seriously, how inadequate can these inadequately designed shorts be? And what’s more, I’m at one of the most popular stores around when it comes to price point and selection. How are none of their shorts made for regular folk, aka, women who know that thigh gaps are a sign of malnutrition?

“If these shorts could talk,” I think to myself, “They’d say, “How dare you try me on. Stop assaulting me with your bratwursts. I was made for supermodels.”

I peel them off and laugh at my butt, which is on full display. That’s how tight those suckers were over my legs and hips: they fully undressed me without even asking.

30 seconds later someone abruptly pulls back the curtain on the dressing room. I laugh again because really, why not?

This whole interaction with those shitty jean shorts is profound because for 20-ish years I would leave dressing rooms like this and get busy shaming myself.

I’d turn poorly designed products that don’t consider the end user one fucking iota into a personal deficiency. Maybe you can relate.

I’d commit to eating less. I’d ruminate on the need to stop adding a splash of juice to my vodka soda’s (that’s how much I believed sugar was the devil AND how committed I was to getting wasted.) Then I’d run through everything I ate in the previous week and chastise myself for any and all digressions from my no-sugar, no-carb high protein diet.

BARF.

I would determine the existence of a deficiency, internalize it, and brand my psyche with the words, “You aren’t good enough – You suck.” All because of an overpriced pair of jean shorts that were designed with only one body type in mind.

It’s REALLY important that we take the time to witness these small blips of insanity for what they are: totally insane.

We were taught to seek out deficiencies and live within them, full-time. But living within, for, and by these falsities only serves to help other people prosper financially.

Living outside of limiting deficiencies helps YOU prosper, on every level.

SIDE NOTE: when you prosper, the entire world prospers. THAT’s how powerful you really are. 

Dressing rooms can be a source of deep-rooted, psyche-disrupting trauma, but they can also be a source of hilarity.

It’s so undeniably absurd what people try to sell us as acceptable, and we need to take the time to acknowledge the ridiculousness of it all, rather than taking ownership of it.

So the next time you’re feeling shitty about not fitting into something, acknowledge the insanity of an industry designed to make you feel inadequate.

Then, picture me, trying to stuff my thighs into a ridiculously designed pair of jean shorts, and realize you’re not alone.

🖤

A

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The Problem With Expectations (And A Poem)

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We have deeply ingrained expectations of who someone should be in relation to who we are, and so often we are disappointed.

It can feel like a devout betrayal when someone doesn’t respond the way we want or believe we need them to. But in bringing expectations to our interactions we become our own saboteurs.

Our loved ones – including friends – are capable of not being capable of nurturing us. This does not make them bad people. Rather, it makes them human beings on their own journey, just like you and me.

It is incredibly easy to take the road most travelled – one filled with judgement and contempt – when other people aren’t capable of being who we want them to be.

It is much harder to come to a place of acceptance in realizing the necessity in releasing what you think you need from someone, and instead, accepting that this is all they are capable of.

At least right now.

 You Should Be

You should be able to do

What I think you need to do –

Mostly, Just be there for me.

But you just can’t

And I know it.

And I want to be generous

I want to understand that you don’t understand

But I’m so caught up in this hurt that we both got

I don’t know how

AS

Visiting Your Discomfort

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It is in the prolonged moments of discomfort and vulnerability that we connect with a depth of ourselves we wouldn’t otherwise experience.

The shores of pain, anguish and frustration over not being able to fix how we feel on command are places our soul wants and needs us to visit.

Still, settling into the discomfort remains an extremely daunting task. Why would we want to stay there for any amount of time when it feels so terrible, and we have so many options to escape it?

The desire to escape is engrained in us. Wars, both internal and external, from the here and now and long since passed – teach us to run in order to survive.

But unless we sit in the aftermath of these storms and witness them, we cannot rebuild our foundation.

We have to witness how trauma has changed us, without judging it’s right to exist, in order to be set free from it.

 

What You Think You Need Vs What You Really Need

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It snowed on Vancouver Island a couple of weekends ago.

An east coaster would likely scoff at what accumulated, but throw any amount of the white stuff on the roads here on the west coast, and shit hit’s the fan pretty quickly.

None of us are used to driving in it, and there aren’t enough plows to maintain the roads: It’s just not financially feasible for a small town to buy a whole pile of snow plows which, for the most part, will just collect dust.

For those of us who live on hills, as I do in the lovely little town of Ladysmith, BC, it’s particularly challenging to keep our driveways from turning into Olympic ski jumps as the snow melts during the day, then freezes again overnight (Winter 2017 = my car went for gold.)

Which is why we are keen on shovelling it right away, as my hubby did x 2 Sundays ago.

One of the things I admire about my guy is his work ethic. He doesn’t half-ass anything. And even though I’m more strategic with what I choose to go all-out on, his best-effort approach is admirable.

It’s also likely why he came in from shovelling snow with a tweaked muscle in his back.

Now, I have had more experience with back pain than I’d like to have had over the years. Crushed vertebrae in two places in my late 20s from a mucho traumatic ATV accident, coupled with years of sedentary desk work equalled substantial episodes of pain.

Add on the injuries from dance and unacknowledged emotional trauma (yep – emotional trauma = back pain) and I’ve spent a lot of time and moolah on various forms of therapy.

Because of my history, I was mindful of where the hubby said it hurt (the muscle along the shoulder-blade) and the pain level, in order to help him get better.

I also noticed that he was keen on doing a stretch I used to do: hunched forward with his chest muscles compressed, he explained that it felt better in that position.

That was my go-to stretch for years because it did make my back temporarily feel better.

But as a result of the many sessions I’ve had with chiropractors, osteopaths, massage therapist, and physiotherapists, I’ve learned that although short-term comforting, it’s the exact opposite of what will help a muscle spasm along the shoulder-blade get better.

Here’s the logic: Many of us walk, sit, and stand slouched over, with our shoulders pinched and chest muscles compressed.

Women with big chests, in particular, are prone to slouching, because of the weight they’re carrying. (Plus they’re not keen on standing tall with their chests prominently displayed for men to gawk at and/or comment on.)

Tall men slouch too, and my guy is upwards of 6 foot 3 inches. He also happens to drive a truck for work, so he’s hunched over a steering wheel much of the day.

Regardless of who you are or what you do, you can’t get away with this posture forever. Eventually, your back is going to start yelling at you because it’s being continuously strained and yanked on to compensate for the almighty slouch.

Which is why I suggested that the hubby let go of the feel-good stretch in exchange for a chest opening one: laying on his back over a yoga bolster.

Thankfully he found major relief from it, which made me very happy. Not in an I-told-you-so way, but in a yay-he’s-not-in-pain-anymore-and-he-didn’t-have-to-take-hard-on-the-liver-pain-meds-to-get-there kind of way.

For me, this scenario reinforced the reality of healing: In order to get better, we can’t solely focus on feeling better. 

What we think we need and what we actually need are often two very different things. Much to the annoyance of the outer child in all of us who rejects change, doing things the same old way won’t lead to healing. (More on the outer child in my next email.)

The goal is to be healthy, mentally and physically. Logic would dictate that we move away from things that haven’t helped us get better in order to do so.

And hell yes, change is scary: There is no way to confirm what the outcome of said change will be.

“If we can’t plan for something, how can we ensure things will go smoothly, or perfect for that matter?” (That’s me circa 5 or so years ago, and intermittently present day, when I’m tired or sick.)

We tend to stay away from what-the-hell-is-going-to-happen-to-me land because it’s uncharted territory. It feels way safer in this-feels-shitty-ville, even though, as the name clearly suggests, it feels shitty.

The solution to the shitty scenario? Attempting little bits of change, rather than aborting the whole idea due to carefully crafted pessimistic outcomes that spawn in our heads (We sure are creative aren’t we? 😂)

If we do this, we can slowly yet surely get used to the idea – the truth – that feeling shitty all the time isn’t our birthright or our destiny.

If we start incorporating small, lay-on-a-yoga-bolster sized changes into our lives, we can begin to convince ourselves that change isn’t so scary.

If you are suffering in any capacity, hone in on the old adage, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Examine what you’ve been doing. Here’s a quick exercise to help you do that:

Grab a notepad and put two columns on it. On the left side, list 3 things you’ve been doing that haven’t contributed to your mental and physical health. On the other side, come up with an alternative action.

For example, instead of going for your phone first thing in the AM, you could start the day with a passage from a book or repeat a mantra that inspires you (If this interests you hit reply and I’ll pass along some options.)

Another option: swap out dairy for a milk alternative in your coffee or tea. (I know – I love dairy too. But it just. Ain’t. Good. For. Our Bodies.)

Don’t go too deep into this list. All you need is 3.

Disclaimer: This is not an invitation to ruminate on all the things you’re doing wrong in your life and beat yourself up.

On the contrary, this is just you, writing out three things that you could do differently, and then picking one of them to start doing, today.

Remember that no change is too small and that little changes equal big results.

Deep down you know this, so believe it.

xo

A

 

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Why You Don’t Need To Forgive Just Yet

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There are some things I’m not ready to forgive. And because of that, I’ve found myself guilty of a lot of things:

  • Of being dismissive and cavalier.
  • Of not wanting to be nice.
  • Of feeling pressured to hug people I don’t want to hug, and being angry about it.
  • Of not wanting to get over it just yet – of wanting to feel and process the anger I never let myself acknowledge.
  • Of rehashing hurt from many years ago because at the time, I never saw it for what it was. I thought what went on was OK.
  • Of not noticing that someone’s concern was toxicity in a fancy dress.
  • Of letting someone use my pain as a way to fuel their hate, and not letting myself feel the anger associated with that betrayal until now.

But my biggest issue in all of this is in identifying and acknowledging the truth of how I feel and learning to live with it and by it, under the watchful eye of a wounded society.

Trying to live in this realm that allows me to feel, even though it would be more convenient and “appropriate” if I just hugged someone I don’t want to hug, is tricky territory. And here’s what I’ve learned in meandering it:

We don’t have to let it go just yet. In fact, it’s not up to us. Our hearts choose when it’s time to forgive.

As long as we are aware of the anger and resentment, let ourselves feel it, and acknowledge that it comes from a pain that needs to be felt, we’re going to be ok. One day the anger will dissipate, and we’ll be able to move on without the weight on our hearts.

Again, it’s not up to us. All we can do is continue to allow ourselves to feel how we feel.

And when we do forgive, it doesn’t mean we’ll have to want to hug someone we don’t want to hug.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean welcoming someone who violated our health and heart with open arms back into our lives. No enabling required.

It means one day being able to think of them without clamping your heart shut. And until your body, mind and soul are ready to do that, let yourself be pissed off.

Give yourself the freedom to feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to not be ready to forgive.

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