compassion

A story about recovering from relationship trauma

August 9, 2019 by Must Love Crows 1 Comment

Yesterday I ran into 2 of my ex-boyfriends. One online and one in real life.

The first one was via an email alert that said dude wanted to connect with me online for the third-ish time. And I was like, “Nawww dude. Nuh uhhhh. S t o p.”

See, this ex isn’t someone I want to connect with. Not necessarily because he cheated on me and treated me like garbage, but because for years I damaged myself even more than he did with his actions by taking ownership of the way he treated me.

I’m talking I thought up until a few years ago that it was my fault he was so awful to me.

The destructive narrative went like this: I shouldn’t have been so crazy. So uncool. He might not have dumped me and cheated on me if I’d acted and been different.

Time and self-love have taught me that you will indeed go fucking crazy if the person you love all of a sudden ghosts you. Like if he flat-out disappears from your life one day, and then shows up again weeks later, trying to get back together with you.

You will go another shade of crazy if you have prior abandonment issues from childhood that are triggered AF throughout this lapse of time.

The extra layer of icing on your so-called crazy label? When he follows up the mind fuckery by dumping you after cheating on you with a woman who has the gall to have drinks at the bar you’re tending after you find out. 🤯

Yes, all of these situations make it all the more likely that you will indeed get emotional as fuck, and people may throw the crazy card on the field in your presence (did I just make a football reference? I think so? I don’t know FA about football 😂)

Somehow, I got it twisted in my heart and head about who needed to take ownership of HIS CHOICE to be awful.

I made it about me, directing the shame about what he did and how painful it was to experience onto myself. And I carried that shame with me for years.

I made his issue my issue. And I tried to do what I was taught to do – be cool about how horrible he treated me.

I have a lot of experience with men behaving horribly and acting as though nothing happened. That everyone and everything is fine, and anyone who doesn’t feel the same way is irrational. With my experience with emotional and physical abuse in my pocket, I carried the shame of bullying myself for expressing how much pain I was in as a result of the abuse I experienced.

I stifled my feelings about how my ex behaved, to the point that I even tried to be friends with him afterward to somehow save face and disengage with the crazy label I was offered and took ownership of.

To be clear AF: I owned feeling ashamed of the strong emotions that surfaced as a result of being traumatized by the person I loved. When the person I loved abandoned me, both physical and mentally – when he abused me – I took responsibility for his decisions.

All that said, my ex is currently all, please connect with me online social and I’m all, hells no. ‘Cause I’m done with the enabling.

If I accept his invitation I’m enabling him.

This grown man is never gonna learn that what he did isn’t OK. And dude needs to learn and own up to his behaviour, ‘cause I wasn’t the only woman he treated like garbage.

He was nearing 30 years old when I had my experience with him, so there is no Oh, he was a young kid that didn’t know any better to use as an excuse.

Even if he was and is clueless about what he did, he doesn’t get a pass for being cruel. He is responsible for his choices.

An apology is required. And I’m not talking about a two worded “I’m sorry,” just so I can heal. I accept what happened and how it affected me. I don’t need his words to make me all better. I am my own healer.

What I’m talking about apology wise is that for the betterment of society and the healing of everyone, particularly him, he needs to get clear on what he did.

He needs to understand what he did and explain in detail what he is sorry for. So he can learn and grow from what he did, and realize it’s not OK to emotionally abuse someone. In the hopes that he will go out into the world moving forward and be a better human being.

All I can do on my end is focus on healing.

Part of that process requires taking stock of what I’ve done to cause harm to others and myself in the depths of my own inner tumultuous landscape.

I cannot and will not pretend I haven’t done some shitty stuff. But Lord knows that the answer to How do I forgive myself for what I’ve done? is not creeping on people’s facebook pages and liking their pictures, or asking the people I have harmed to connect with me without a conversation.

And two-feet-on-the-ground revelation: why is an ex contacting me, a married woman, anyways? What are your intentions, dude?

Unless it’s to have a conversation about what happened, there’s nothing pure going on.

If it’s anything like the dude’s from high school with zero boundaries who want to connect so they can poke me on FB at 2 am, my guess is there’s some dysfunction you want to hand-deliver me.

AND I DON’T WANT YOUR PACKAGE OR ATTENTION.

High school is where the other ex originated from. The heavy back story is that this guy is known for serially cheating on his partners. He learned to have no respect for women and run his life according to his penis. He learned to lie and cheat and minimize and manipulate. And I’m not going to enable him by pretending like we are old chums when he sees me in the grocery store anymore.

He never owned up to his cruelty. He never took ownership of his terrible behaviour. And without him taking ownership by exhibiting some form of understanding of what he did and how it harmed others, my door is sealed shut.

Dude hasn’t earned the right to be in my space.

He must understand that I’m not into being his friend by now because when he saw me yesterday he left me alone. A swift change from last year when he eagerly came up to me with the insecure cockiness of his 16-year-old self.

Or the years ago when he kept trying to message me, and I inherently knew it was an attempt to have sex with me, even though he was married to the same woman he cheated on me with in high school.

Straight up: dude’s don’t just randomly message their married exes. They wanna have sex with them. At least that’s been my experience so please don’t come at me for speaking my truth.

With all that heat in me and a commitment to protecting myself from people who haven’t earned the right to be in my life, I saw my ex walk out of the grocery store yesterday and the strangest thing happened.

I felt a tidal wave of empathy for him. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and almost started crying right in the store.

I pictured him as a little boy who was taught to be shitty to women – who was taught that cheating, shaming, minimizing and trying to manipulate his way into a married woman’s life so he can possibly fuck her is OK.

To demoralize the trust in a relationship, and lie, cheat and steal his way into feeling a sense of power and belonging in this hyper misogynistic world – that is his idea of normalcy.

And all I could think was how devastatingly sad he must feel inside, to feel compelled to act in such a soulfully wounding way.

So I let myself feel that for a minute and the shock of the significant inner shift from disgust to compassion. And when it was over I silently said to myself, “Thank you.”

Why thank you? Because I was so damn grateful for the reprieve from all the years of loathing him and all the men like him.

I have been incapable of picturing the little boys who learned to normalize shittiness up until now. And the sadness of empathy felt like freedom.

It was fresh air bursting into my chest cavity, cracking open my heart so wide that the pain of the betrayals, the shame, and the devastating humiliations and abandonments could begin to detach from my being.

I know the little kid in both my exes must be so scared and confused and hurting. You have to be all those things to not comprehend that what you did warrants ownership, not friendship requests.

You can’t be an asshole and be OK. Inside, your spirit is being starved.

Every single time you go out into the world with the intention to serve solely yourself, your ego, and/or your dick, you harm others. That is sadness incarnate.

And I know sadness.

I know how it feels to feel empty inside and try to fill yourself up with shitty behaviours because you don’t know how to survive the emptiness.

I know the fear and desperation very well. And I might not have a dick, but I know what it is to learn how to be shitty out of survival.

I also know how to unlearn it. I know how to own my pain and break the cycle of displacing it. I know how to call out the bullshit I was taught. And I know how to call out the men I used to love.

Because I’ve done the work. And it’s time for them to do the work, too.

Struggling With Guilt Over How You Reacted? This Might Help.

January 7, 2019 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

You want to be loving. You really, really do. Especially with that one person who reliably displaces their fear and frustrations onto others.

You affirm your patience. You ask for guidance. You seek solace in your beautiful, heart-led intentions to be a generous and loving human being.

But you miss your mark in their presence, and quickly hone in on hopin’, and wishin’, and thinkin’, that you woulda’, coulda’, shoulda’ done better.

Good news: Guilt is a sign that you need to prioritize self-kindness.

After a less than stellar interaction with someone whose very presence is an emotional trigger, you need love. Because if you can’t be around someone without pain attempting to do the thinking and speaking for you, you’re still reeling from the past.

To heal from the past you need high-frequency feelings pulsing through your body, mind, and spirit, like love.

Love is…self-compassion when you miss the kindness mark in the company of certain people.

You know the ones I’m talking about…

We don’t need to try to eradicate our guilt. Nope. Nadda. Not productive.

We just need to notice guilt’s priceless message: “Psst! We need some self-compassion in here, Stat!”

Love up on yourself when guilt makes itself known. Notice it and breathe into it. Acknowledge your humanness and the timeline of trauma that has a tendency to interfere with your intentions to be kind on every occasion.

And vow to try again next time. 🙏🏻

This one’s Instagram ready. Right click & Save to share:

It’s never up for debate: You are loved.

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger from Pexels

Lessons From This Week: Non-Universal Truths and Shoulding

April 28, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

This week I learned that my idea of the right thing to do isn’t universal. There are variances and that fact alone can be frustrating as hell.

Also, karma is the universal truth. #justsaying

Also, should-ing is totally useless. If you are capable of muttering the words “I should have,” you are equally capable of not judging yourself for making mistakes.

If you feel the need to say “I should have…” chances are you’ve drug yourself through the remorse puddle way too many times already, and all another go is going to do is hurt you even more.

Mistakes come in many forms, but unless it’s a premeditated screw-up, bypassing self-beration in favor of focusing on the lesson is a better business move.

And it’s all about business – We need to be in the business of being good to ourselves.

ALSO: Standing up for yourself is always the right thing to do. Confirmation of that fact often comes in the form of misogynistic pushback.

Stand your ground, no matter what. The more we let people think they can get away with bulldozing us, the more they’ll think they can get away with it with other people. Thus continues the cycle of hurt.

So ride out the frustration in the name of more than just yourself and STAND YOUR GROUND.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK. (More on this soon via video content. 😬)

In Summary:

Lesson learned = Empowerment.

Shoulding = more suffering.

Boom. Happy Saturday Y’all.

Getting Rejected For Being Introspective (It’s a thing)

February 23, 2018 by Must Love Crows 1 Comment

What does the word, “declined” mean to you?

For me, it conjures up aged imagined scenarios of public shaming: My visa card, unable to take any more mindless spending, rejects my attempt to fill the lack-of-love void, in front of a long line of people at a high-end store. The horror I tell ya!

More recently, it comes in the form of real-life, when my post was declined from a publication I already write for. The reason?

Too introspective – Not mainstream enough.

In one heart chamber, this is deeply disappointing. The little kid in me wants to jump on top of a table and yell, “I’ll show you too fucking introspective!!”

But the grown woman who is me present day is all, “Thank-you. I’m happy to be living over here in non-mainstream territory.”

Being told my writing is too introspective is an affirmation of who I am and therefore, a righteous compliment.

I feel the pull to think, talk and write about the deep stuff, much to the chagrin of folks who are looking for a less intense, “nice weather today, eh?” conversation (FYI I live in Canada.)

Surface-level doesn’t do it for me. And it’s not that I haven’t delved into the lighter fared “10 ways to do something” type post in the past. Being human means selectively conforming – We’ve all got bills to pay!

But with every day that passes I’m getting more real and more me. And I’m not cool with contorting into a mainstream approved version of myself anymore. It’s just not the way I roll.

Do I come off too intense, too deep, and too “crazy” by some standards? Hell yeah, I do.

But my goal – to use my wellness journey as inspiration to produce content that resonates with people who want to evolve and grow and heal – takes precedent over attempting to fit in with people who don’t understand me.

I’m married to that goal BTW, even though there are days I’m confused (AKA, a little bit freaked out) about where it’s all going to take me. That confusion/fear sometimes tells me to dip my toes back into tried-and-true, “that ain’t for me” waters, in an effort to reach a larger audience.

But as I’ve talked about in this post and experienced last week upon finding out my post about feminism was rejected, I always return to the facts:

I seek the truth about what it is to be a happy and healthy human being, and mainstream approval is not required for that to happen.

My truth entails researching, writing, and speaking about why we act and think in ways that harm ourselves and others, in an attempt to motivate people to investigate the sources of their emotional and physical pain.

And as I said earlier, I’m not yet sure where this writing and research will take me. (I’ve got B-school with Marie Forleo coming up which should help out with that.)

But I know without a hint of doubt I’m not going to reach any personal milestones by forcing myself to be less introspective.

I can see myself contemplating ways to get my message across to a wider audience. But to me, if it’s not written from the heart it’s not true.

And I can’t live with that sour feeling in my gut that says, “You’re writing this for clicks – Stop writing this for clicks.” Yuck.

As a quick dictionary search offers, introspective is “the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.”

Given that definition, I would happily wear a pin that says, “too introspective” every day of the week.

Rejection is never an easy pill to swallow. But we will never become all that we are meant to become or attain any degree of long-term happiness, if we focus all our efforts on getting accepted.

Which is why I’m making it my priority as a female human being in 2018 to challenge the toxic normalcy that is mainstream thinking.

Top all that off with the fact that it’s a disservice to my soul and the time I’ve been given on this planet to squander my drive to evolve and share what I learn along the way, and I’ve got myself a pro-introspective platform that’s as solid as a rock. 😉

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Why Your Parents Are Jerks and That’s OK

August 8, 2017 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

About 10 years ago I got arrested for being drunk in public.

Long story short, I was in a really bad state. I was severely depressed, drinking heavily, and couldn’t see past the bottle in front of me.

No one in my family was capable of helping during this time: they didn’t know how to deal with me. Neither did the psych nurse that came to see me in jail when I’d sobered up. She basically told me that if I did it again there would be charges pressed. No offers for counseling or help.

So it was all on my own shoulders, to heal and get better. It was like, “You’re fucked up and there is no reason why you should be because none of us are fucked up. So it’s on you to figure out your issues and get over them.”

Do I think I deserved better treatment? If I was eager to jump on the self-pity train I’d say yes. But I’ll repeat what I said previously: no one in my life was capable of helping me. They didn’t know how to deal with me. And I think I scared the shit out of them because I was like this volatile fucking rocket that was ready to go off at any time.

I learned a lot from my experience. One being that generally as a society, we lack compassion for scenarios and people we don’t understand. We get so scared, and default to simplifying and minimizing another person’s struggle.

So we say “You fucking loser drunk” instead of “You deeply troubled girl who doesn’t know how to love herself.”

And obviously, it takes less time and energy to call someone a loser, or a fuck up, and wipe your hands of them. No one wants to take ownership of a shitty scenario so they just blame it away.

Parents do it too.

And egos don’t like compassion or empathy. They are horny for power and control, and there’s a ton of that in the judgment process. So generally, our ego-dominated society digs judgment, because it boosts people up, albeit under dirty, false pretenses.

What am I saying? I’m saying I wouldn’t change a thing. I got better on my own and I’m proud of that fact. It didn’t happen right away – not even after that night in jail – but it happened. And through the process of recovering and discovering some love for myself, I learned a lot of stuff, particularly about my family.

I learned it takes two to tango. That just because someone does something shitty doesn’t mean it warrants them a lifetime of judgment and ostracization. And I’m not talking about myself here, though of course, it is relatable to my scenario.

I’ve realized that the avoidance of any and all responsibility for one’s actions causes great imbalance. I’ve long held one parent responsible for all the issues in our family, sheltering the other from any ownership. When in fact it takes two to create a shitty situation.

To capitalize on the other’s mistakes and use it as fuel, in order to dismiss ownership of the unsightly, and proclaim “I didn’t do anything wrong; I am innocent” is to create an imbalance that causes much discontent — for all parties involved.

Blame is high-grade procrastination — it’s like the THC in weed. It keeps you from seeing your own contributions to the discontent you feel. For whatever reason, my journey has entailed blaming others and outside sources for all the shitty stuff that went on in my life. I was taught how to blame away my problems, and now I’m teaching myself how to release the need to do that.

Because I am hyper-cognizant of the fact that blame is a recipe for suffering.

Truth: if you find yourself in a shitty interaction, you had a hand in it. You are not innocent.

However, This does not mean you are a piece of shit and unworthy of love.

It means that to say you had no hand in the events surrounding your discontent is to avoid the lesson. And I don’t know about you, but I WANT TO KNOW ALL THE LESSONS.

I want to make sense of the struggle, and come out of it like a fucking phoenix rising from the ashes.

I think my hope for what I wanted my parents to be was so intense that I couldn’t see who they actually were: flawed humans.

That’s not a slight, it just is what it is. Yes, they have talents and abilities and positive qualities — but they are human, and to be human is to be flawed.

Part of my journey has entailed realizing that they will not always be right, or kind, or compassionate, or loving.

They are capable of being jerks, just like me and every other person walking the planet.

And they weren’t and will not be capable of being my saviors. They won’t be able to fix me or teach me to appreciate myself; they won’t be the ones leading me towards enlightenment. Though through their dysfunction and perceived failures, I have learned to love who I am, and function at a higher state.

So even though they aren’t good with apologies; even though they judged me and gossiped about me in the past; even though they may not consider the repercussions of their comments and behaviors — each moment of disappointment I feel is actually an opportunity for me to just accept them, as is, for who they are.

Because when I do that, I open the door for me to accept myself.

Clarity Through Pain And Sleeplessness

May 24, 2017 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

I barely slept last night because of shoulder pain.

I’ve had this pain for years: been to countless physiotherapy, chiropractic and massage appointments. I’ve had needles stuck in me that led to agonizing days of recovery. And massages that were anything but relaxing.

Nothing has worked long-term. I’ll be good for a spell, and then I’m back into no sleep territory. My body just doesn’t seem to find comfort in a bed when it’s riled up with pain.

But not all is lost on me today. Some clarity came to me at 5:30 am, as I desperately fumbled for a pain-free position.

I keep looking for a bigger reason for the pain. I want there to be a tangible, see-it-on-the-x-ray issue.

Why? I want a reason to believe it’s not my fault, because that’s easier to deal with mentally. Dismissing ownership is a safe route, and safe is easy.

But wait: is it really? I mean, it doesn’t make it easier for me: It doesn’t fix anything. I’m still in pain. All it does is pay tribute to the fear-based belief, “I have no control over what happens to me.”

Which translates to, “Life is scary and we are destined for suffering.” I tried that way of thinking for 20 years and it got me nowhere positive. If you believe it you will see it, and boy, did I witness some negative outcomes to my fear-based existence.

Besides, even if I did go back down that route, I’d need to ignore the underlying issue, which I’m really good at flipping in and out of believing, depending on the severity of my pain:

I created my pain by not looking after myself: by not loving myself enough to take the time to care for myself.

It took me years to get to this point, where my body is crying out for help. “Enough with the excessive typing at the computer all day, every day!” I ignored the fact that my body needed to be appreciated, not disrespected. And part of respecting my body means I need to move it and not just sit on my ass typing all day.

So yeah, time to face the truth and stop trying to dig for grandiose reasons why my shoulder is in pain. Time to get honest.

What isn’t working for me:

Getting angry about the fact that I can’t sleep.
Getting angry at my body for betraying me.
Sitting at my computer for prolonged periods of time without taking regular steady breaks.
Blaming my body.
Feeling sorry for myself.

What IS working for me:

Sending my body some love for still working even though I neglected it for years
Committing to being kinder to myself (that means taking more breaks and exercising)
Asking for help when I need it (particularly when I’m having a bad pain day)
Working on strengthening my body to compensate for the sedentary work I do
Saying no to painful forms of therapy (i.e.: massages that leave me incapacitated)

So, as is always in life, there is a lesson in everything: this I am 100% certain of. Even in a pain-ridden sleepless night.

Here’s to a pain free existence and getting some quality REM. 🙂