While I was away at my brother’s wedding I got a message from someone on Facebook.
It was from someone I don’t speak with very often, so my initial response was sprinkled with anxiety, in the form of “what the faaaccckk is this about?”
Good thing it was all things nice and lovely. She had noticed the big changes I’d made in my life, and wondered if I could offer up some advice.
I dream of writing a book, where I can share everything that worked/works for me. It’s gonna happen one day. But the truth is that sometimes the resources that normally work so well for me, don’t do shit. Some days, the woman behind this blog is a total write-off and just needs sleep, food, and time to get right.
So to answer this really huge question – how did you change your life – was a little overwhelming. I mean where the hell do I start?
But then this morning, after taking the time to do two things – meditate and watch some Marie Forleo unplugged – I was able to transform the confusion into clarity.
The way to happiness for me has been accountability: owning my actions and feelings, and realizing they have repercussions.
If I’m going to look at people with judgment, then I am in turn judging myself;
When I am mean and unkind to others, I am mean and unkind to myself.
I think of that Beyoncé song featuring Jack White, where she sings “When you hurt me, you hurt yourself. Don’t hurt yourself.” Whether you like her music or not, there’s no way around the fact that she’s preaching some straight-up truth right there.
So how do you release the need to be ruthlessly judgmental? It’s a process. But a good starting point is acknowledging the judgment, and taking it apart via logic.
Byron Katie has free worksheets that helped me bust up my blame game.
You do what your ego wants to do: judge people on a piece of paper. You get all that shitty stuff out, and then you work through each one of the judgments until you see the light.
The light for me was the realization that I am what I loathe in others; that all the undesirables I pointed out in others are alive and well in me.
I had to start digging into why I felt so much self-judgment, which is something I continue to work on daily. We can’t take time off from this kind of work; We can’t avoid facing what’s bugging us because it just gets louder.
I have a really tough time working through Byron Katie’s worksheets at times. I’m used to feeling a certain shade of discomfort, so I involuntarily sabotage myself in favour of known pastures.
But this past weekend has proved to me that I’ve got to start ripping the band-aid off more often. Every time I do I feel lighter. In fact, I feel a huge weight off since this morning, when I used the process to deal with the recollection of a relative who was getting his judgment on with me last weekend. (Suck it, dude! Oh, wait – that’s me being judgmental too. Damn it! lol)
So without further adieu, here’s the first resource I’m going to offer the acquaintance of mine who messaged me, and you:
Byron Katie’s Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
This is a great starting point for anyone who’s wanting to change their lives and their beliefs. And it’s free so give it a try.