While I was away at my brother’s wedding I got a message from someone on Facebook.
It was a rather long message, from someone I don’t speak with very often, so my initial response was sprinkled with anxiety, in the form of “what the faaaccckk is this about?”
It was all things nice and lovely, which was a relief. She had noticed the big changes I’d made in my life, and wondered if I could offer up some advice.
I dream of writing a life hack book, where I can share everything that worked/works for me. It’s gonna happen one day. But the truth is that sometimes the resources that work so well normally, don’t do shit. Like some days, this girl is a write off and she just needs sleep and time and food. Plus, I need to make sure I keep up the habits that contribute to my health and wellness if I want to be happy and healthy.
So to answer this really huge question – how did you change your life – was a little overwhelming. I mean where the hell do I start?
But then this morning, after taking the time to do two things – meditate and watch some Marie Forleo unplugged – I was able to transform the confusion into clarity.
The way to happiness for me has been accountability: owning my actions and feelings, and realizing they have repercussions. If I’m going to look at people with judgment, then I am in turn judging myself. When I am mean and unkind to others, I am mean and unkind to myself.
I think of that Beyonce song featuring Jack White, where she sings “When you hurt me, you hurt yourself. Don’t hurt yourself.” Whether you like her music or not, there’s no way around the fact that she’s preaching some straight up truth right there.
So how do you release the need to be ruthlessly judgmental?
It’s a process. But a good starting point is acknowledging the judgment, and taking it apart via logic.
Byron Katie has free worksheets that helped me bust up my blame game (I was introduced to them by Naomi Crain.)
You do what your ego wants to do: judge people on a piece of paper.
You get all that shitty stuff out, and then you work through each one of the judgments until you see the light.
For me, the light was the realization that I am that which I loathe. As in, all the undesirables I pointed out in others were alive and well in me.
So then I had to start digging into why I felt so much self-judgement, which, if you read my last post, is still something I’m working on.
In order to change we can’t take time off from this kind of work. We can’t avoid facing what’s bugging us because that shit doesn’t go away. I get myself in a lot of emotional trouble when I don’t tend to the ever-growing weeds of thought in my head. I have a really tough time working through Byron Katie’s worksheets at times, so I often will avoid doing the work.
But this last weekend has proved to me that I’ve got to start ripping the band-aid off more often, because every time I do I feel lighter. In fact, I feel a huge weight off since this morning, when I used her process to deal with my recollection of a dick head of a relative who was getting his judgment on with me last weekend. (Suck it, dude! Oh wait – that’s me being judgmental too. Damn it! lol)
OK – now I need to start getting ready for work. So without further adieu, here’s the first resource I’m going to offer the acquaintance of mine who messaged me and you: Byron Katie’s Judge Thy Neighbor worksheet.
This is a great starting point for anyone who’s wanting to change their lives and their beliefs, in order to find some peace and happiness.
And it’s free so give it a try.