All poems copyright © 2023 Andrea Scoretz
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changing the locks
It took a while, for curiosity to activate
always trying to remedy the feeling
that something pertinent to survival was missing
Had to writhe in the vomit you fed me to find out what it really was.
Then i could begin to feed myself –
to reawaken to the joy of a slug trail
& feel safe enough to wonder
where it might lead me.
If I’d done it any earlier
I couldn’t be sure I’d survive your changing of the locks.
You were always threatening to do that –
that was the real monkey on my back.
There are world’s inside you –
the big bang –
no wonder you’re so nervous.
a universe comes alive
every time you shed
a rigid belief
or demeaning narrative.
you’re becoming a star –
filled with phosphorous
& carbon –
when someone natters at you in the comments.
there’s something more important happening –
beneath the exterior
battles over oligarch scraps
& divisive archonic techniques
that taught you to squeal in the mud
and like it.
10 cm dilated
I’m looking for a reason to not want to leave.
It’s deep down in the cells though, and they aren’t about lies. They’re annoying. They keep pulsating. Makes my liver mad.
I keep testing to see if your territory is as unwelcoming as it feels – maybe I’m just crazy. But we’re at full dilation already. I put my feet on the ground below your chaise lounger and it trembles.
Am I a contagion? Or am I the earthquake that was made to break up the soil?
I could fight the process. I could fight you. I could tell you things, but then I’d only be “Say”-ing for the sake of longevity of this dying-off love affair.
What the fuck. I mean, we had a good run. Something happened here, for both of us.
But I can’t keep pretending to like the way you tell me to fuck off.
I’m trying to stop you from coming to visit at night
I can’t see you but i know you’re there
I’ve been fighting with you for years – with the reality of your existence
I started to believe in you, but then, only that you had power over me
Then i started to see you
And notice how you are
Just like me
You feel afraid of realms you don’t understand
You want to keep feeding yourself a certain way – from me
You’ll wrestle with anything that seems to take from what grounds you
Even though your entire existence predicates upon movement
(You recently tried bacon fat and seemed to like it, so it’s clear you’re willing to try new things…)
Why are you clinging to me and branding yourself in my shins?
Why are we both so afraid of something we don’t know much of anything about?
And why do we both try to take the other out the way we do?
I think we can allow each other to exist. Even if we don’t tend to like the same foods.
I believe it’s possible.
I just need you to stop trying to eat me.
Repairing the split
May I be free of fragments –
May these glittering slivers magnetize
And take me home.
Garish and grueling
ain’t that just the way
to get down
with this business
One of these days
Sooner or later,
I’ll fall asleep,
Sooner or later,
I used to sacrifice myself for you
but i don’t do that anymore.
i used to fracture at the sight of rejection
but I don’t do that anymore.
I used to say, “I can’t take it,”
But I don’t do that anymore.
I used to want to show you what I can do
But I don’t do that anymore.
I used to C-R-A-V-E your approval
But I won’t do that anymore.
I used to hold you up, in a bubble
but I can’t do that anymore.
I used to want to keep the peace
But I don’t do that anymore.
The bubble has popped
And I won’t try to fix it anymore.
I belong to the sun
exalted in the sands
where time moves slow
because I am free.
i open my heart to you
when i don’t want to
because i need to.
I open my heart to you
‘Cause i know
it’s the only way
to open my heart to myself.
A rapper’s words validated me
through broken falsetto
as beautifully true
as the north sky is wide.
Will you accept your blessings? he asked.
Oh my – that’s what those things are…
all the little things I cursed
glowing with grace,
right under my imperfectly perfect nose.
So I guess I should go with the current
instead of fighting it now.
And give thanks to the pebbles,
and the rocks,
I collide with along the way.
I guess I’ll keep talking to the sky
If it keeps telling the truth
Untie me from this ship,
The rhythm of what you want from me
Takes me away from myself.
Every time I judge myself
I cling to the leg of systems
That are served by my suffering.
Through the Seams
Wear this suit,
And you will fit in.
Shame might sparkle through the seams
But it will comfort me to know
That the parts of you
I have forever feared in myself,
Cry me your buckets of tears
so I can see your signs
Let me see the man
and the woman
who must rise
for you to see
me – us – them –
that your I am
Know this –
you were taught to deny your entirety
it’s happening all the time
so don’t be afraid to see it.
New landscapes are built
from the grit of your journey
It’s not wrong
It just is
You build dynasties
from the ashes of your ancestor’s sins
Your chest may hold their pain
and your shoulders the atrocities of him
You may be a sponge
for the repercussions of the splintering of love
But it is time
to take your finger off the pulse
of something that’s long since dead
It is time to witness what’s being built
from the ashes
It is time to see the beauty being made from the madness
I’m drawn to you
Because you hurt me
In all the intricate ways
to hurt myself.
I see the strength
in 68 years.
I see the fear
and the 14-year-old
I see the child in the man.
The little girl in the woman.
And I see them all in me, too.
If I can
If I can give,
even when I feel taken from,
I can live fully.
If I can allow my tap to flow,
even when the ones being offered to me are systemically stagnant,
I can grow.
If I can say, “OK, I accept my part in this,”
and not just blame others,
I can see that I am whole.
If I can be generous,
even when I feel choked of love,
I can be free.
I didn’t need him
I wanted him
And he needed to reject me
We both needed to get more intimately acquainted with the cycle of abandonment.
And hell did we ever.
Hell is what it felt like at times,
He onto another as quickly as he left the last for me
And me, retreating further into the cycle of blaming myself for Every. Last. Issue.
“If only I’d been perfect…”
It was messy and terrible
but it was part of a plan,
a plan neither of us had any clue we were a part of.
Every last ounce of ouch was savory perfection
And I wouldn’t trade the sting
Stay with me, doubt said
If you get to know me
you won’t need to be so scared of me
You’ll learn that I’m in everyone
and only powerful
If you believe I am all there is.
Back To Born
Coming back to born
Could mean being ignored
By the ones who tore you away
From who you were
before you graced the planet
With your presence.
I remember how quickly forever
became right now
How the tunnels became filled with light,
beacons for the unknown
Take me in – I will set you free.
Bring me your broken dreams
And I’ll help you salvage them
Not replications of what you once craved
But newer; better; louder; deeper.
You don’t need to know how or why
Just believe that it can occur
Give your hopes to me –
In the unknown –
And I will make it so.
So shall it be.
You are the northernmost gate
to your own healing.
You are redemption,
it bleeds from every pore,
invisible, yet felt as an unsedated slice
Your limbs scream and your hairs raise with inherent knowing
It’s verified, that you are your own fuel.
The years just distracted you from the truth for a while.
I don’t get it
Because I don’t get you
I will shuffle you into a category.
That way I can fear you more clearly.
The harder I push you
The more people will see
That I am not you.
Or am I?
I’ll market it as a decision based on superiority and intelligence
So no one will ever know.
Or will they?
Can they see what I’m doing?
I am so scared.
I’m not going to chase you
My feet are sore from all this running
It’s so tiring
Trying to make you like me
You made your decision
The soles of these shoes