On Quitting, Crying, and Shaming

I quit my job the other day, an act which was preceded by a series of long time comin’ emotional melt downs.

Before you start getting ideas in your head of what that entailed, let me paint the picture for you: I got super pissed off about how employer dude treated me last week, tried to laugh it off when he gave me a raise to compensate for his digressions, and then had a fierce crying session, that came and went with varying degrees of intensity for about 4 days.

I cried at home. I cried in the car. I cried on the acupuncturist’s table. Then I cried some more when she left me in the room to percolate with all the needles in.

I cried a lot. And to be clear, I wasn’t crying about this dude. I was letting out years worth of emotional stifling that I had convinced myself wasn’t worthy of crying over.

I taught myself that how I felt wasn’t OK; I told myself that in comparison to others, I didn’t have it that bad and therefore, had nothing to cry about.

So I shamed myself, and in doing so, ended up with some seriously shitty subcutaneous beliefs that said, “You don’t matter.”

Except I do matter. It’s just this little kid in me who thinks otherwise.

So right now I’m in the thick of the healing process and trying to do it sans shame. I mean I still think of the comments I’ve heard in the past (“compared to what’s going on in my life, your issues are nothing”) and think, “Really Andrea, WTF do you have going on that’s so bad that warrants all the dramatics?”

But then I remember that I deserve compassion and love and empathy, even if some people, including myself, don’t think I do. And I also remember that I have some things that I’ve been trying to ignore my entire life – Namely, why I feel so attached to the need to be perfect – and that it’s not going away. I need to unpack that shit and get rid of it.

Except I’m a little confused on how to do that at the moment.

But then I remember this neat little truth: it’s not my job to know the answer to everything, all the time. It’s my job to be kind to myself, and give myself a break, and love myself, even if part of me isn’t on board with that.

So I’m doing a few things: seeing an acupuncturist (who is miraculous in my opinion), taking a course I took last year that really helped, amping up my yoga and meditation practice, and am going to start seeing a psychologist to help me release the need to be perfect. So overall, self-care is at the top of my list right now.

And so is quitting my job, which was a pretty courageous and bad ass thing to do.

Here are some things I know right now: everyone on the planet is doing the best they can. It doesn’t seem that way, but given the restrictions we set upon ourselves belief wise, there’s bound to be some variations on what we consider to be our best.

And right now I’m trying really hard. Even if it’s not my top shelf, finest shining moment in the eyes of the 10-year-old perfectionist in me – it’s still pretty fucking spectacular.

And that has to be enough.