Hey Sista – How ya goin’? Is that the way the Aussie’s say it? I think I’m butchering it.
OK so this week has been a bit weird. In the sense that I had 2 days of extreme what I would call levelling up – and then I seemed to descend into the pits of hell within myself.
That sounds dramatic. But what do you expect, right? Mild and meek from me? Lol. I’m on brand.
But for seriousness sake – I am really noticing from a more objective place that there is a pattern of my reaching a level of significance within myself (I’m sure some cultish groups would call it ascending but let’s just bury that where it belongs) and then doing a complete 180 on the whole thing. Serious regressing. And not just regressing but a feeling like I’m being sabotaged in a cruel way – taken down by some force. Not just within myself but in my outer world, too. Things not working in every way.
This time I noticed what felt like a block – a severe and unrelenting resistance to my return to the state of consciousness I had reached the 2 days prior.
I’ve consulted with people about this before. Some woo types. More than woo – people who work with anomalous trauma. And have anchored back into those learnings this morning. The fact is that it feels like I’m being targeted by something that really doesn’t want me to move forward – or let go of this thing inside of me, that feels like it’s sabotaged so many opportunities to experience ease and peace in my life.
Straight up, I am sick and fucking tired of owning all of this shame that gets so easily activated within me. It didn’t come from me, I know this for sure. It feels…foreign. Ancestral too, like I’ve taken on other people’s shame. Probably early life stuff there. But it feels like the ancestral inherited issues are being utilized to continue & feed the shame and further restrict me from actualizing what I am here to actualize.
After a while you can no longer ignore the pattern, you know? It’s not enough to fear how you will be perceived by others for looking at the pattern from a different angle. By that I mean fully embodying the self-blame approach The reason I know this is the wrong path is that shame is a strategy used in society to coerce us into doing things, much of which aren’t for our own empowerment and betterment. More so to our peril.
Look, I’m not interested in joining a church group. But it seems to me that I need some assistance to maintain my own energetic imprint – to not have these frequencies so easily enter into my core, and utilize my own early life imprints (the elusive trauma) to highjack my processes and trajectory.
I can’t help but think, when I access a powerful level of consciousness that reinforces my belief that humans are waaaaayyyyy more powerful than we’ve been conditioned to understand, that I’m setting off some red alert in some dirty basement somewhere. And it’s saying, “Nope – nadda – can’t have her feeling this good. Shut it down!”
And the shame – saying it’s all mine – it’s part of some inherit deficiency within me? Well, it’s bollocks (Brit represent). If it’s born of shame it’s not for me. Prove me wrong, ya know?
At the same time, it is for me to work through why I get triggered by experiences that remind me of that time my brother proved how much he hated me – and still does. Or how I never felt like I fit in. The fear narrows our brains capacity to see experiences with the depth of awareness they require of us. Thanks Joe Dispenza.
There doesn’t seem to be an angle of life moving forward that doesn’t involve addressing the fact that there are aspects of living on earth that we cannot see, but still influence us.
Again – prove me wrong.
Hey sista – how ya been?
This week feels…kinda crazy? A bit nutters. But moreso in a way that’s like, “Yeah, I get it – this is for my betterment.”
I could EASILY entertain the whole, “Why is this happening to me?” element of it, and for a moment – say 5 minutes? – I did. As ya do. Cuz we’re human. But I felt so intensely that something much bigger was at play, ya know? Like some element of destiny is involved. (“And…cut! Great scene!”)
Anyway, something about being humbled by not being able to do what you always do that really forces you to look at the ways you haven’t been humble. hah! And all the ways you’ve been living that aren’t working, in the sense that they’re fucking drain you.
Thats my thing right now: this experience I’ve had has fogged up my cognitive functioning while at the same time made some things really clear to me, about the way I’ve been doing my day to day life. Particularly how I’ve always got this cyborg monkey on my back with the worst BO & bad breathe who spray talks in my ear about where I need to get and how much is at stake. And I’ve convinced myself if I just keep grinding, no-bad-days style, he’ll one day sod off.
I’m carrying the pressure of something that isn’t real and is impossible to keep up with. Go figure.
There’s an untruth involved for sure and I’m on an information discovery mission, with the humble awareness that it will take me a while to figure out how to work with the information I’m receiving – how to integrate it beyond surface level understanding. And how to act on what I’m discovering in a way that feels right for me. Particularly how to remove this entity that’s hitched a ride for too long. Cause it’s not mine. It’s someone else’s non-life-ry belief that I took on as mine. I’m done with it.
Things are still a bit foggy, but one day it will all make sense with a more resounding, “I Know! I figured it out!” For now I just have to be patient.
How the fuck do I do that again? I mean, yeah I get it, but there’s this level of ferocity in which I can sense life is on the cusp of changing which makes it feel near impossible. It’s like there’s a soldier at the gate, ready to bust through with his sword once it opens, screaming, “let’s fucken go!!!!” And all he really wants to do is trim the hedges, not cut anyone (but of course there’s the potential). It’s just the pent up angst over not being able to trim the bushes or even create the yard the way he wants that feels intolerable.
The waiting at the gate is scream-worthy.
But he definitely wants to cut some ties with things that aren’t helping him – what isn’t for him. Be more objective about information and feelings. Be more curious, which is so much more comfortable & easy than being locked and loaded to some ideal, right?
I mean, seriously now: how ideal is it if it’s causing that much pressure?
That’s enough third person. Definitely some fragmenting going on there. But that’s kind of the mark of the times, right? Checking out in some way. We check out from reality to notice the ways we’re checking out of reality.
I think part of me can sense and feel and is even tapping into something that hasn’t happened yet. It’s still got 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years or even 5 decades to go.
There’s a bending of reality right now. Like if I could tap into the past and the future, at the same time – that’s what’s going on allover the place.
That’s intense to hold. No wonder I lost consciousness. But even being offline for those short seconds helped me see things more clearly and realize how important it is to get this cyborg off my back.