healing

Embracing the Forced Pivot

August 21, 2020 By Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

In my earlier years, I was heavily committed to wanting things to go my way.

I lived guided by the illusion, that trying to control what I experienced was the way to go, in order to get things to be the way I wanted them to be.

It was a very mind-centric way of living. It was also really dumb. But it was what I learned and what I knew.

It created a lot of suffering because, obviously, things don’t always go your way. I felt like I was fighting with my reality a lot.

Err, OK – all the time. The more I tried to control, the more out of control things became. It created a very, “life sucks and then you die” kind of vibe. Which was, well, gruesome for my spirit.

Putting a lot on emphasis on the brain needing to be in a position of power goes along with a core, learned, and primal, yet irrational, belief. Which is this:

We believe our brains are so advanced, and that we as humans are somehow so advanced that we are in a position to be the almighty knowers of THE WAY things need to unfold for us.

Our own spiritual, mental and emotional demise is born of believe that THE WAY is the way we prefer.

Important to acknowledge how ludicrous this is. Also important to remember you can and will fall asleep to how insane it is, over and over.

Thankfully life delivers endless opportunities for us to wake up again.

Life experiences can teach you that the path leading you where you’re destined to go is often completely different than what you want to do or how you want to feel.

Just yesterday, as I thought to myself, “I’m going to put away the lights I use for auditioning because they’re in the way and I won’t need them for a long time,” I received an email from a casting agent:

“Please submit this monologue by Sunday.”

Some actors would freak with excitement over this. And I was excited to some degree but I was heavily focused on the plan I had crafted, and this wasn’t part of it.

My plan was to focus on readings and other healing work I was doing. In fact, I had recently stated to the hubby, “I’m going to wait until later fall or the new year to focus on acting since the industry isn’t really booming for actors with my experience level at the moment.”

Seemed logical; felt logical. But then came the email, and out the rainy window went my plans (west coast rain is here today). And after realizing my next 3 days were now going to entail doing the opposite of what I had planned to do, I laughed.

I laughed at the aspect of myself that thought my plans were the only way things could or should go. Like a slightly sedated hyena.

SO MUCH EGO. You have to laugh at these displays of shadow! Scratch that – you don’t have to laugh. But speaking from experience (IE, NOT laughing about it) your day to day life experience is infinitely more frustrating if you decide to let your ego consume you with thoughts like, “This isn’t what I wanted.”

The example du resistance:

Last spring as the pandemic began to rev up, my husband and I came to the conclusion that it was entirely unwise to take our vacation.

Even though there was a lot of gratitude (we were alive, we could reschedule, we weren’t stuck in an airport) there were rumblings of sadness about the cancellation.

We had planned it for a year. And it had been an intense period emotionally over the past 6 months, and the place we were hoping to go felt very healing to us.

But we dug into the positives and decided to use the 2 weeks off at home to get stuff done. I had my plans: obsess over astrology. And he had his: to focus on making music.

My husband has been studying electronic music production and engineering for the past 8 years. It’s something he’s incredibly passionate about, and his dream is to do it for a living. So into his cave he happily went, creating for a couple of glorious, sweat pant wearing weeks.

Somewhere along the 2 week period in which we had originally planned to spend on the beach, he got signed to a record label.

Synchronistic events unfolded that never would have happened if our plans hadn’t been thwarted.

Instead of SPF, he applied for a joint bank account with his production partner; Instead of chatting with tourists on the beach he had conference calls with record label managers.

Let us get back to the fact that we were bummed about not being able to go on our vacation. Having to cancel our plans was not part of our plan.

This is important to take note of because humans don’t like their carefully laid out plans being messed with. We take that shit personally.

We put a lot of energy into our anger over something messing with our efforts to get life to go the way we think it needs to go.

We can be ungrateful and irrational and because of our negativity bias, bypass the positives that can come of our forced pivot.

The hubby and I could have spent a lot of time arguing with the reality of our experience – of things not going our way. And we did spend some time doing that because we’re human and that’s what we do.

We felt a bit sad, frustrated and annoyed. And also a little freaked out because the pandemic was a wild unscheduled-to-us ride through the fear zone.

But when we gave up and submitted to the reality of what we could not control, things rolled in a direction we could never have perceived them rolling.

When we said, “OK, I succumb to my current experience,” a hard and fast and amazing pivot occurred in the form of something my husband had wished for his entire adult life, coming true.

All that said, today is the day his first song is released on Itunes and Spotify.

It’s also our 10 year anniversary. I’m happy to share the date with his milestone, and I trust there is some deeper meaning to it all because I choose to believe in the synchronicities 🌀

Click here to check out my hubby’s first release on YouTube.

Love to all and thanks for reading, listening and supporting. And a reminder:

Celebrate the pivots – You never know where they will take you!

xoxo

Order a Reading

Acts of Desperation

June 5, 2020 By Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

To learn to withstand our own feelings is the most powerful act of defiance against those that have committed atrocities.

All abusers are desperate to escape how they feel, and their acts of desperation can be catalysts for us to learn how to be with ourselves.

An abuser is driven by their commitment to avoiding how they feel. Their desperation to not feel their own pain motivates them to seek a sense of power through the violation of others.

The path home is through the pain.

Consider the moments when you’ve reacted to your own inner landscape, in ways that didn’t take into account the repercussions of said reactivity.

You might not realize the extent of the pain you caused. Perhaps the person who was hurt by your actions went home, and, afraid of and disgruntled by how they felt, disregarded their child’s needs. As a result, the child felt abandoned by the parent – unsafe – as any child will feel when their inherent need for love and support from their parent isn’t met.

This is trauma.

Humans have strong opinions about what is and what isn’t traumatic. No matter the degree we deem it to be, trauma does not go away by ignoring it. It must be witnessed and felt in order to be transmuted.

We do not think when we are afraid of how we feel inside. We only react to it.

Our desperation to avoid our own pain can cause more trauma, or it can be transmuted IF we commit to doing the work of witnessing it.

Everyone’s pain must be witnessed. Avoided feelings are catalysts for abuse.

It starts with us.

We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves.

We cannot continue to believe the lies that we have been taught: that our feelings can’t be trusted; that it’s not OK to feel.

Now’s the time to learn how to be with ourselves.

We must be our own parents. We must be there for ourselves the way a parent is for a child, whether we had that experience as children or not.

Many didn’t have this dynamic and need it recreated, within themselves, in order to heal and end the perpetuation of trauma.

We must prove to the children within us all that we can be counted on, that we will be there for them, and that we will stop ignoring their needs.

We must allow ourselves to witness and experience how we feel, and honour every human’s right and need to do the same.

The true warrior brandishes no weapon. They courageously look within at their own pain, and say, “This is what lives within me. And it’s alive within all of us.”

—

If you feel inspired to do the work of the warrior along with me, there is a course being offered through Sounds True which can help support you.

It’s called The Power of Awareness and is being offered by Jack Kornfield & Tara Brach, beginning June 8th.

I don’t make cash when you click the link. Just sharing a resource that helped me and might be helpful to you, too.

Power of Awareness | Jack Kornfield & Tara Brach

Out From Hiding

January 28, 2020 By Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

To say the last, I dunno, 6 years, have been transformative would be an understatement. I really do feel like a different person. And not just when I look back on who I was 6 years ago. I’m talking last week.

Every few days I am aware that I am not the same person I was days before. It’s wild. And amazing. And challenging. And scary at times. But overall it’s freeing.

I’m learning to unhide myself.

Much of the inner work I do is not something I want the whole world to know about or have access to. But there is a driving force within me, pushing me to share it, so I can destigmatize who I am, within myself, and convince others to do the same within themselves. It’s also compelling me to make amends with the existence of pushback from unhinged commentators that know not what the source of their desire to throw their two cents into the ring is all about. A lot of the time the aggressives aren’t consciously aware that they are being aggressive. It’s primal rage. They don’t realize that it’s not me they are mad at.

The days are here, when we are beginning to see the undercarriages of people’s choices and behaviours.

The spin-doctoring of inherently motivated destructive actions is being called out for what it is – manipulation. And people are beginning to feel less afraid to be out in the spotlight because of it. They fear less of being attacked and understand not just the want but the need to be out in the world, sharing themselves and their messages, even if they don’t quite have it figured out why.

We are all beginning to feel the need to show up as ourselves.

If we’re not yet doing that, we feel the call in the whispers of aching to do something different – something that makes us feel alive in ways we may have never felt before, or once felt as children, before life wiped out the belief that this is what life could be about.

I am feeling the call to come out of hiding.

Slowly, I’m dipping my toes into the world as a more fully realized version of myself, with love and respect for the inherent abilities I am meant to put to use. There is an ever-present knowing within me, that reminds me it’s not up for debate – I have to share the deeper parts of me with more than just myself. I have to allow myself to be out in the open fully as I am.

That person isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

That person may get some backlash. That person may be the recipient of some evil eyes. And she might attract people who want to keep her from her power. In fact, she has had a role in that already, attracting people who help her remain in the shadows – who subconsciously or consciously want her to play small. They may not know why they want to help her do that, but their actions show their desires.

OK, enough of the third person. lol! She is me. 🔥 I’ve had a lot of intense experiences lately that have shown me what I may have to face if I continue on this trajectory. The people who don’t or won’t want me to live big. The people who won’t want me to share the stories I’ve been fostering the courage to be able to share, about how I became the woman I am today.

There may be some people who see my power and want to squash it.

This is often an unconscious desire. And there may be times when I will find myself attracted to such people, and have to call myself out for it. That said, there will 100% be plenty of times when I will have to witness the conditioning that compels me to desire people who would prefer me to stay small. To not use my voice, to not perform and not make a scene. It will be really hard. But the hardest thing ever is to stay tiny when I’m meant to be big; to minimize my power when I’m meant to utilize it to the maximum.

I grew up minimizing the gifts I have out of necessity – out of survival.

It took a lot of energy and work to learn how to do that, to live by someone else’s belief system. I wasn’t meant to believe those things about myself, I wasn’t meant to feel the degree of self-hatred I felt.

I can detach from that conditioning – I’ve proven that I can through some particularly difficult transitions, both emotionally and physically.

I’ve shown myself I can do things differently, that I am capable of breaking powerful ancestral patterns. I’ve also proven that I am capable of attracting people into my life – drawing people into my life – who assist me in keeping those patterns alive. And then I’ve proven that I can realize that, do what I need to do to stop it, and witness the exciting results of that powerful act of self-love.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I’m not 100% sure. 😂 This post is about allowing my voice to be heard. It’s to counter energy that attempted to minimize me, and my right to use my space to speak. It’s to let my inner child know that I see it, and I’m going to start living differently, doing things differently, for her. Something inside wants me to say, I’m here, and I’m not what and who you might perceive me to be. I am many things and I am capable of so much more than anyone might understand.

I am an intuitive. I am an actor. I am a poet. I am a writer. I am a consultant. Yes, I am all of those things. But above all of those earthly driven labels that exist so that we may feel a sense of security and belonging, I am powerful. I am a spirit who is here to do the work – to learn and grow, in ways that, to some, and even to myself at times, might not feel or look like work.

And I’m here to set limitations. To create boundaries where none existed. I’m here to say, yes, I have learned from many people and many experiences, but being nice doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. I’m here to say that if someone violates you they don’t deserve access to your life or your energy.

I’m here to learn how to trust my intuition and help other people learn to do the same.

I’m here to show what is possible, by showing that a woman who was abused and addicted and full of self-hatred can become a woman who helps other people free themselves from the energies and forces that traumatized her. And share all the magic that comes when you set yourself free.

I was recently referred to as passive-aggressive. Someone read one of my posts and suggested that was the underlying theme of it. To me, the post in question was a beautiful post. It was from the heart. I wrote it in under half an hour – a forever sign that something else is helping me write and that it needs to be written to help me heal, and maybe others.

This is the work I’m here to do – say no by not saying anything.

To set limitations for those who choose to see my art – the work I do to heal and contribute to healing in the world – as something warped or ugly or unnecessary. These are the same forces that taught me to hate myself and minimize my worth. These forces that demand we be something other than who we are, to appease their discomfort, and not follow the direction of our hearts are the forces I am here to assist in ending. So what if they come packaged in a form other than the sociopathic male I first experienced them in – a person can be kind and ALSO be manipulative.

They can also not know they are being manipulative. We come from trauma. We all have our experiences with it and it shapes us. Our job in life is to do the work of realizing that it has affected us and how, and de-condition ourselves. It’s why we are here. Saying we have issues isn’t doing the work. It’s the starting point. And saying you have problems doesn’t get you free from the harm you have caused another by living from your trauma space. Doing the work does.

We can have compassion for someone who has experienced trauma because we all have, but that doesn’t mean we brush their actions off as acceptable.

It’s still on them to heal. It’s on them to sort out if they’re being manipulative or narcissistic. Or co-dependant.

Narcissism and codependency are intricately linked.

I grew up with a parent who was a sociopath. The byproduct of that was narcissistic behaviours I learned from him and severe co-dependency. I did some shitty things – some destructive things – over the years, living from that trauma state. And then I did the work to realize what was happening and began deconditioning myself.

I still do the work. I filter through my actions to make sure I’m not harming other people, or myself.

It’s the work of self-compassion. The work of self-compassion also entails realizing that someone being upset because you cut them off for violating you is not for you to try to heal or fix; their tears and insults and foot stamping are not reasons to allow them to be in your life if they have violated you.

Trauma attracts trauma. When we realize this we open up the door to a new way of living. When we allow ourselves to be with the discomfort of not wanting people to be upset with us, we can begin to see where it comes from. It can propel us to open a book on co-dependency and see how we have contributed to our current uncomfortable situation, in the absence of self-bullying.

I can be a loving and kind and supportive human being AND still have work to do. Other people can be loving and kind human beings and not be supportive or ready to do the work of realizing they are narcissists. The hardest work is to look within ourselves and see how our pain is leading us, tricking us, keeping us from our power. In my case, it taught me to allow people into my life who contributed to my fear of my power.

Some healing questions I’m asking myself these days:

Who would I be if I allowed myself to step into my power?

Who will I become if I become a great actor? What will my life look like?

Who will I be if I publish my poetry, write a book, go on a book tour?

Who will I be if I provide intuitive counselling sessions? Who will I be if I create a safe space to share what I’ve learned with people who want to do the work too?

Who will I be if I use my inherent talents and abilities to create a foundation for my family, one that allows us the freedom to travel and learn and grow and live without financial constraints?

I have no fucking idea. But I’m ready to find out.