healing

To say the last, I dunno, 6 years, have been transformative would be an understatement. I really do feel like a different person. And not just when I look back on who I was 6 years ago. I’m talking last week.

Every few days I am aware that I am not the same person I was days before. It’s wild. And amazing. And challenging. And scary at times. But overall it’s freeing.

I’m learning to unhide myself.

Much of the inner work I do is not something I want the whole world to know about or have access to. But there is a driving force within me, pushing me to share it, so I can destigmatize who I am, within myself, and convince others to do the same within themselves. It’s also compelling me to make amends with the existence of pushback from unhinged commentators that know not what the source of their desire to throw their two cents into the ring is all about. A lot of the time the aggressives aren’t consciously aware that they are being aggressive. It’s primal rage. They don’t realize that it’s not me they are mad at.

The days are here, when we are beginning to see the undercarriages of people’s choices and behaviours.

The spin-doctoring of inherently motivated destructive actions is being called out for what it is – manipulation. And people are beginning to feel less afraid to be out in the spotlight because of it. They fear less of being attacked and understand not just the want but the need to be out in the world, sharing themselves and their messages, even if they don’t quite have it figured out why.

We are all beginning to feel the need to show up as ourselves.

If we’re not yet doing that, we feel the call in the whispers of aching to do something different – something that makes us feel alive in ways we may have never felt before, or once felt as children, before life wiped out the belief that this is what life could be about.

I am feeling the call to come out of hiding.

Slowly, I’m dipping my toes into the world as a more fully realized version of myself, with love and respect for the inherent abilities I am meant to put to use. There is an ever-present knowing within me, that reminds me it’s not up for debate – I have to share the deeper parts of me with more than just myself. I have to allow myself to be out in the open fully as I am.

That person isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

That person may get some backlash. That person may be the recipient of some evil eyes. And she might attract people who want to keep her from her power. In fact, she has had a role in that already, attracting people who help her remain in the shadows – who subconsciously or consciously want her to play small. They may not know why they want to help her do that, but their actions show their desires.

OK, enough of the third person. lol! She is me. 🔥 I’ve had a lot of intense experiences lately that have shown me what I may have to face if I continue on this trajectory. The people who don’t or won’t want me to live big. The people who won’t want me to share the stories I’ve been fostering the courage to be able to share, about how I became the woman I am today.

There may be some people who see my power and want to squash it.

This is often an unconscious desire. And there may be times when I will find myself attracted to such people, and have to call myself out for it. That said, there will 100% be plenty of times when I will have to witness the conditioning that compels me to desire people who would prefer me to stay small. To not use my voice, to not perform and not make a scene. It will be really hard. But the hardest thing ever is to stay tiny when I’m meant to be big; to minimize my power when I’m meant to utilize it to the maximum.

I grew up minimizing the gifts I have out of necessity – out of survival.

It took a lot of energy and work to learn how to do that, to live by someone else’s belief system. I wasn’t meant to believe those things about myself, I wasn’t meant to feel the degree of self-hatred I felt.

I can detach from that conditioning – I’ve proven that I can through some particularly difficult transitions, both emotionally and physically.

I’ve shown myself I can do things differently, that I am capable of breaking powerful ancestral patterns. I’ve also proven that I am capable of attracting people into my life – drawing people into my life – who assist me in keeping those patterns alive. And then I’ve proven that I can realize that, do what I need to do to stop it, and witness the exciting results of that powerful act of self-love.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I’m not 100% sure. 😂 This post is about allowing my voice to be heard. It’s to counter energy that attempted to minimize me, and my right to use my space to speak. It’s to let my inner child know that I see it, and I’m going to start living differently, doing things differently, for her. Something inside wants me to say, I’m here, and I’m not what and who you might perceive me to be. I am many things and I am capable of so much more than anyone might understand.

I am an intuitive. I am an actor. I am a poet. I am a writer. I am a consultant. Yes, I am all of those things. But above all of those earthly driven labels that exist so that we may feel a sense of security and belonging, I am powerful. I am a spirit who is here to do the work – to learn and grow, in ways that, to some, and even to myself at times, might not feel or look like work.

And I’m here to set limitations. To create boundaries where none existed. I’m here to say, yes, I have learned from many people and many experiences, but being nice doesn’t entitle you to a get out of jail free card. I’m here to say that if someone violates you they don’t deserve access to your life or your energy.

I’m here to learn how to trust my intuition and help other people learn to do the same.

I’m here to show what is possible, by showing that a woman who was abused and addicted and full of self-hatred can become a woman who helps other people free themselves from the energies and forces that traumatized her. And share all the magic that comes when you set yourself free.

I was recently referred to as passive-aggressive. Someone read one of my posts and suggested that was the underlying theme of it. To me, the post in question was a beautiful post. It was from the heart. I wrote it in under half an hour – a forever sign that something else is helping me write and that it needs to be written to help me heal, and maybe others.

This is the work I’m here to do – say no by not saying anything.

To set limitations for those who choose to see my art – the work I do to heal and contribute to healing in the world – as something warped or ugly or unnecessary. These are the same forces that taught me to hate myself and minimize my worth. These forces that demand we be something other than who we are, to appease their discomfort, and not follow the direction of our hearts are the forces I am here to assist in ending. So what if they come packaged in a form other than the sociopathic male I first experienced them in – a person can be kind and ALSO be manipulative.

They can also not know they are being manipulative. We come from trauma. We all have our experiences with it and it shapes us. Our job in life is to do the work of realizing that it has affected us and how, and de-condition ourselves. It’s why we are here. Saying we have issues isn’t doing the work. It’s the starting point. And saying you have problems doesn’t get you free from the harm you have caused another by living from your trauma space. Doing the work does.

We can have compassion for someone who has experienced trauma because we all have, but that doesn’t mean we brush their actions off as acceptable.

It’s still on them to heal. It’s on them to sort out if they’re being manipulative or narcissistic. Or co-dependant.

Narcissism and codependency are intricately linked.

I grew up with a parent who was a sociopath. The byproduct of that was narcissistic behaviours I learned from him and severe co-dependency. I did some shitty things – some destructive things – over the years, living from that trauma state. And then I did the work to realize what was happening and began deconditioning myself.

I still do the work. I filter through my actions to make sure I’m not harming other people, or myself.

It’s the work of self-compassion. The work of self-compassion also entails realizing that someone being upset because you cut them off for violating you is not for you to try to heal or fix; their tears and insults and foot stamping are not reasons to allow them to be in your life if they have violated you.

Trauma attracts trauma. When we realize this we open up the door to a new way of living. When we allow ourselves to be with the discomfort of not wanting people to be upset with us, we can begin to see where it comes from. It can propel us to open a book on co-dependency and see how we have contributed to our current uncomfortable situation, in the absence of self-bullying.

I can be a loving and kind and supportive human being AND still have work to do. Other people can be loving and kind human beings and not be supportive or ready to do the work of realizing they are narcissists. The hardest work is to look within ourselves and see how our pain is leading us, tricking us, keeping us from our power. In my case, it taught me to allow people into my life who contributed to my fear of my power.

Some healing questions I’m asking myself these days:

Who would I be if I allowed myself to step into my power?

Who will I become if I become a great actor? What will my life look like?

Who will I be if I publish my poetry, write a book, go on a book tour?

Who will I be if I provide intuitive counselling sessions? Who will I be if I create a safe space to share what I’ve learned with people who want to do the work too?

Who will I be if I use my inherent talents and abilities to create a foundation for my family, one that allows us the freedom to travel and learn and grow and live without financial constraints?

I have no fucking idea. But I’m ready to find out.

xo

A