You know when things start to feel heavy inside. When something needs to be excavated. You just convince yourself you don’t know.
You seek a physical reason for a physical symptom. After all, you were taught to devalue the messages of your avatar.
Your lungs become heavy just as your thoughts become the same. Maybe depression seeps into your pores – and your core. And you think, “This is wrong; this is bad. I must stop this.”
I call to you now to NOT try to stop it. To see the power in this slowing down, which may feel forceful and out of control, but serves as a way for grief to be transmuted.
I used to be so afraid of the messages my body sent me. And as the fear grew, so did the symptoms. To the point that I could not see the origins: grief that I did not understand the source of, but yet still had the right and need to exist within me.
I do not fight anymore. I do not try to change my experiences. I have learned to try to befriend what I have feared, what I was taught to fear: the messages my beloved body has been trying to tell me from the very first primal violation of my spirit.
Grief comes in waves. It does not always make sense. It’s timing is often absolute shit in the scope of our human desires. But on a soul level, it’s divinely orchestrated and is done an injustice when argued with.
Back into the gallows I go. Cause that’s what grief feels like. It’s not bad. It just IS.