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The Downside of being a turtle (aka retreating into your shell when life gets scary)

December 5, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

My therapist says I’m like a turtle. I don’t mind her claim. I like turtles and had a few of them as pets growing up. Plus, I know she’s not referring to my overall look, she’s talking about how I retreat into my shell when the world gets a little too scary for me.

Sometimes heaven is not dealing with people. It’s airplane mode when I’m not on a plane, and noise canceling headphones all day long. It’s a strategic disengagement with the alerts and noise so I can concentrate on what’s important, which for me is keeping my head clear so I can be in an optimal state to create, help my clients help others, and make decisions in alignment with my higher self.

Getting my turtle on isn’t the same as disengaging in the name of progress. Turtling (I am hella nervous to google that in case it’s some weird sex thing and I get a ton of porn pop-ups) is a willful retraction from the world driven by fear. It’s fuelled by an aspect of my personality, established in an effort to keep me safe that says, “The world and the people in it might hurt you, so you need to retreat.”

Being a turtle can be dangerous because it keeps us from contributing beautiful bits of ourselves to the world (and the world NEEDS us to be us.)

My immediate goal is to stop being a turtle. I am majorly motivated to change right now. I’m in the midst of doing my damnedest to no longer allow my choices to be dictated by fear, particularly as the countdown to Christmas begins, which I wrote about in this post.

We can’t cut ties with fear. It will ALWAYS be there, prodding us to do or not do things, which means the most productive thing we can do is create a dialogue with it if we’ve never had one, or transform the current dialogue, so we can stop allowing it to convince us to stop participating in life.

Maybe you can relate to me and my turtle issues. If you can, you might find the following plan of non-attack useful the next time fear tells you to retreat into your shell:

 1 – Say hey. I’ve always denied fear’s existence, like it wasn’t OK to say, Whattup? What do you want? I’d get wasted instead of facing my feelings, and be inundated with fear for days.

Yeah, that wasn’t fun. I’m really grateful those days are over because they were B.R.U.T.A.L. But that doesn’t mean I currently live without fear. I still experience it, chattering away at me every day of my life, telling me to do stuff that won’t help me, and not do stuff that will.

After years of trying to outrun it, I now make a conscious effort to engage with fear in a non-aggressive way. I do my best to be patient as it shares its woes because I know from experience the more aggressive and dismissive I am, the more it’s going to pressure me to act on its super shitty advice. No thanks, fear, but I’ll hear you out, out of respect for your power.

 2 – Acknowledge its power. Speaking of power, guess what has the ability to constrict your breathing, give you explosive diarrhea, convince you to pass on incredible opportunities, and emotionally regress to your 10-year-old self? Fear.

Fear is powerful. Respect, witness, and acknowledge it. You do that by noticing when it starts coursing through your body instead of trying to outrun it by getting ragey, overspending, or chugging wine and posting regrettable Facebook pictures/updates (Yeesh, right? Been there, done that. 😳)

There is a tool we all possess that can help us. We tend to minimize it because it seems too good to be true and therefore, we assume it doesn’t work. Yet it has the power to help us process strong emotions instead of allowing them to consume us and dictate our choices.

It’s your breath! Breathing, like a gluten, soy, and corn-free cookie that tastes good, is no fucking joke. And It’s nuts not to use it because it’s free and doesn’t leave you filled with regret. So utilize your breath! (Check out this post from my resource page that offers some breathing methods I use.)

 3 – See it as separate. We blend with fear, almost as much as some people attempt to blend away their nose holes via contouring. (If you want a laugh, check out this YouTube video about contouring by Sailor J. Unless you’re easily offended.)

We don’t see fear as separate from us, but rather, as who and all that we are. We proclaim it to be our master: “Here you go, Fear: the key to my life, even though you have a shitty track record.”

Here’s the deal: Fear isn’t you, it’s an aspect of who you are.

And who you are is human, which means you are one of many other humans on the planet who are equally as skilled at letting fear blend and bully away their power. Therefore, you are not alone in your struggle.

I’m creating a new wellness offering for my readers with book recommendations my therapist gave me. I’ll be sending it out when it’s done (by January 1st! 🎉) because there’s a book in it that does an amazing job of helping you unblend with fear. It’s a life-altering practice and I rely on it heavily in my life. Enter your first name and email here and I’ll be sure to send it to you.

Update: I just gave myself the blinks googling “turtling” and looks like I’m out of the woods because there’s nothing dirty popping up in my search results. Phew.

My goal is to lay off being a turtle and stay more engaged with my feelings, even the ones I don’t enjoy, like fear.

I’m not saying I’m going to do it perfectly, but with the insights I shared with you today reminding me that I can do this, I think I’m in a good position to make some progress when it comes to redirecting my penchant for getting my turtle on.

I hope what I’ve shared might help you in some way. It’s not always easy to share my struggles, but the support I get from readers like you makes it worth the effort. ❤️

Feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comments. You are loved.

A Need Over Want Christmas

November 23, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

A Need Over Want Christmas - Must Love Crows Christmas is coming, and every year at this time for as long as I can remember, I’ve put a lot of energy into answering the question, “What do I want for Christmas?”

The same routine has played out until as recently as last year. Want a new jacket, even though you already have 4? New boots even though you already have 3 pairs you barely wear? Locate desired items via greed frenzied finger scrolling on cell phone, add to your list, and they shall soon be yours, at which point you’ll feel better for a little bit. That is until you don’t again.

Greed in all its grotesque forms is something I feel driven to separate myself from these days. I find the more I continue to heal myself and set standards and boundaries in the name of wellness, the less willing I am to continue to do things the same tired way.

Wanting all the time is exhausting work. I’m grateful to now be aware of where the greedy impulses that rise up within me, telling me to buy this or order that, come from. They are the result of one aspect of my personality, formed as a result of trauma, telling me, “Who you are isn’t acceptable. You need this stuff so you can convince other people and yourself that you’re not as shitty as you actually are.”

Heavy, yes. But our struggles don’t cease because there’s Christmas music playing on the radio.

Some dysfunctional beliefs are fueling the incessant wanting I’ve worked diligently to redirect in recent years, but never going without for the majority of my life has also been a catalyst. I recall a lot of money being given in lieu of love, and very few occasions in which I didn’t get what I wanted, save for the Cat-ra doll fiasco of Christmas ’86 (Damn it, mother! I said She-Ra!)

Jokes aside, I wasn’t prone to freaking out when I didn’t get what I wanted. Unlike the friend who threw an epic tantrum in the Vancouver Pacific Center Mall over an unmet desire for a kick-ass Esprit jacket in the mid-90s, I knew when to let things go in the “Mom, can I get this?” department. Sure, I was greedy – that’s what happens when kids are given what they want all the time – I just understood that freaking out over not getting what I wanted wouldn’t get me what I wanted.

I didn’t push the boundaries, at least not directly. I knew there were certain things I could ask for and get, and I knew when to stop asking. I also knew that a time would come when it would be safe to start asking again, at which point I’d be able to acquire something new that would make me feel good for a bit.

Though this cycle of consumerism felt comforting at the time, it was anything but.

I had zero understanding of how damaging the process of self-soothing through stuff could be, or that it would manifest into something so destructive in my 20s and 30s. But at the time it was a huge contributor to me being able to experience the blips of faux-happiness I craved, so I was all in on keeping it going.

As gag-reflex inducing as it is to admit, the same cycle has played out in recent years. Want something, get it; want more, get it. And I’m officially over it.

This Christmas, I’m pulling the plug on wanting and focusing on what I need.

Right off the bat, I think of my shoulders. They could use a break from straps being dug into them after 10 minutes of wearing a bra which, if it could speak would say, “Your boobs are shaped wrong. Let me try to fix them while simultaneously constricting your breathing, Mmmm K?”

That said, a new bra would be really nice. But “Would be nice” sounds like a want, not a need. Hmmm.

But if I consider that me being well, both mentally and physically, isn’t a want, it’s a need, then the acquirement of something that doesn’t attempt to shove my boobs up to my chin and make me feel like I’m in the midst of cardiac arrest when I wear it definitely errs on the side of need.

All that said, my Christmas list is going to be minimal this year. I’m not going to get frenzied trying to populate a list of unrequired items, and I won’t drain myself by allowing the part of me that’s a work in progress to manipulate me into thinking or doing otherwise.

Incessantly wanting things is exhausting. Life is much more pleasant when we let go of trying to constantly acquire stuff we don’t need.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you’re prone to spending a lot of time scrolling on your phone this time of year, wondering what to tell your partner to get you, and you can’t help but acknowledge how frantic, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable you feel when you do.

Maybe you notice your kids doing the same thing. Maybe their cell-phone-stoned faces from excessive website scrolling disturb you. And maybe you realize that whatever overpriced item they’re jacked up about getting is going to end up in a landfill or thrift store in 1–6 months, which makes you want to throw up your grande peppermint mocha.

Maybe you’re feeling what I now feel about the process of wanting during the Christmas season: “This is gross. Time to get serious about stopping the cycle of greed I’m contributing to.”

If that’s the case, let’s both commit to adding the following item to the top of our lists. It doesn’t cost a thing or require shipping, which if you’re in Canada is a really good thing because we are dealing with the aftermath of one hell of a postal strike:

“Be grateful for what you have.”

Less wanting = lighter. Lighter is good.

Why You Need To Stop Pressing The Like Button

November 9, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

Many times I’ve chatted with friends who have disclosed how uncomfortable a comment someone left on their social media post made them feel, only to see them turn around and show approval for the comment by liking it.

I have immense love and respect for every single one of my friends, and also for you, the beautiful human reading this post, which is why I feel the need to let you know how important it is to acknowledge the detrimental habit of offering immediate approval of shitty comments left on your social feeds.

You might be thinking, whatever, who cares, it’s social media, turn it off or ignore it. To that I say social media is the prime source of connection and collaboration these days. It’s a place where we come together and create new empowering views – where we learn and evolve as human beings, together as a community. Which is why it’s a powerful place to set boundaries and standards for how we wish to be treated.

Forgoing the need to please people who leave passive aggressive or inappropriate comments on your personal posts is hella important.

Even more so is not letting your desire to be liked by everyone come before calling out people when they belittle, minimize, or generally just act like ego maniacs on social media.

I’m not asking you to get busy figuring out a way to school a person who left a shitty comment. I mean ideally, a conversation would be great, so that you could set a boundary and let them know you’re not OK with what they’re up to. But that often leads to us putting a lot of effort into trying to communicate with people who just want to argue all the ways in which you’re irrational when you assert yourself. That’s exhausting and unproductive work. Who needs that?

Suffice it to say, some folks aren’t up for turning a conversation into a chance to grow, which is why I say, sometimes it’s best to not communicate with them and just stick to not pressing the like button.

The best way to get people to question their unnecessary and unsupportive comments on your posts is to stop liking their comments.

You don’t need to put out the effort to ensure everyone who contributes their opinion to your social media feed is comfortable having done so. You don’t need to try to make something denigrating acceptable. As Clarissa Pinkola Estes speaks of in her book, Women Who Run with the Wolves,

“This early training to “be nice” causes women to override their intuitions.”

We need to unlearn our training. If someone posts something unsupportive or rude or misogynistic, let them be responsible for it.

Let them wonder why you liked the comments that showed support, but not theirs;

Let them get confused over why you deleted their comment or sent them a message letting them know it was appropriate;

Let the commenters question their choices and live with their feelings that stem from the inquiry process.

Until you’re ready to insta-delete comments posted to serve the commenter and minimize you, or confront the instigator (’cause let’s be real, that’s what they’re doing: instigating) stop using the like button so much, ok?

I’m specifically talking to the ladies.

We do this all the time, and we are contributing to pervasive ignorance and the diminishment of our wellbeing when we do it. Therefore, we are contributing to the denigration of society. Therefore, we need to stop.

I care about you and want you to be empowered. When you stop showing support for unsupportive comments, you not only empower yourself, you empower others women, too.

So make a conscious effort to put an end to normalizing the acceptance of shitty online behavior, OK?

Let’s commit to doing better, here and now, so we can do better later and in other departments of our lives.

Because acts of empowerment enable more acts of empowerment.

Summary: If someone leaves a shitty comment, keep your fingers away from the like button. And don’t be shy about using the delete button, either. 😳

You are loved. Happy weekend. That is all.

Clarity On Why You Feel Terrible in 4 Steps

November 1, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

Yesterday I watched an excessive amount of TV. By excessive, I mean approximately 2 hours while I caught up on some housekeeping.

I usually listen to music when I’m doing long ignored dishes and folding long ignored laundry. I’ve been purposely putting TV on the back burner for a while now. I made a commitment to take it off my priority list because I know when I’m away from it, specifically certain shows that are known peace disrupters for me, I have a clearer mind to work, write, and exist with.

Despite that knowing, I gave my time and energy to the tube for a bit and it felt super weird. By weird I mean not great, as in kind of gross, which strangely enough, made me kind of happy.

I was happy that I so clearly felt, through undeniable alerts from my body and mind, that the kind of TV I was consuming was dragging me down.

It felt like I was in a time warp, and not because so many people are wearing the clothes I used to wear in high school on TV these days. What I was watching, and the way it felt to watch it felt like a major backstep on all the steps forward I’ve made in my emotional evolvement.

I am not anti-TV. I am pro-consciousness and pro being mindful of what we are inundating our psyches with entertainment wise. I love a good documentary (Have you seen RBG?) and some TV shows (The Good Doctor = 👏) but I am very aware that Being Aware of what we are consuming and Why is the key to our mental health remaining in good standing.

Otherwise, our wellness reserves get eaten up by content that leaves us overloaded with uneasiness, and we have a difficult time associating it with our viewing choices because we’re so disconnected from ourselves from watching emotionally denigrating shows.

And guess what we are prone to doing when we feel gross and don’t know why? Blame other people for why we feel shitty.

That said, here’s a from the heart suggestion, for the next time you feel unsettled and can’t pinpoint why: Take a look at the things you’ve been focusing your attention on in the very recent past, specifically the forms of entertainment/escapism you’ve been lambasting yourself with.

Here’s a 4 step process to follow:

Step 1 – If you’re feeling super disconnected from how and why you feel uneasy, give yourself a 48-hour technology break.

Step 2 – Write about how you feel after the tech break, then follow up by watching a show or scrolling a website that is known to get your adrenaline pumping.

Step 3 – Write about how you feel.

Step 4 – Compare notes. Welcome clarity.

Even though we may be in the know about what it takes to be well, sometimes we get caught up in activities that jack up our adrenaline and confuse the temporary high with happiness.

We do this not because we’re stupid, but because we’re human, which means sometimes we need to refresh our clarity on how the messages we are choosing to inundate ourselves with make us feel.

There are certain things that lift up our minds and hearts, and certain things that shut down our loving and joyful nature. This is me, reminding you to check in with yourself, and take note of what you’re choosing to put your energy into and how it’s affecting you.

There is no shame in feeling the need to hit refresh for clarity. You’re not alone: I did it yesterday. 🙂

What You Need To Know About Being Labeled Irrational

October 13, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

Imagine 100 people in a line up in front of you, each one geared up and ready to tell you you’re irrational.

Why? Because the idea of being called irrational is adrenaline pumping. As in, you default to hyper defense, adrenal draining mode when it comes up. Which means it’s in your best interest to take a look at it.

Thoughts come up, like: If I accept their label of irrational, that means there is something wrong with me. And there can’t be something wrong with me. My mantra is: It’s Not OK for people to think I’m not ok; It’s Not OK for people to think I’m not ok. Must not happen. Cannot happen.

Gentle pause for peace inducing thought: Their label of irrational isn’t the true definition of irrational. It’s the label they give to anyone who doesn’t go along with what they want.

If you choose that as truth, then you have some options:

Speak – “Your label of irrational isn’t the true definition of irrational. It’s the label you give anyone who doesn’t do things the way you believe they should be done. Ie, in a way that suits your agenda.” (NOTE: This is gaslighting, a term for anyone who manipulates a person into questioning their own sanity using psychological means. Scary stuff. Prevalent. Look out for it. Here’s a book that will help you identify it.)

Don’t Speak, But Remember – I will never see this person again. This is not worth my time. I need to protect my wellbeing, by not giving so much of myself to something that doesn’t require it.

And then comes peace through self-assertion:

I know what the irrational label means. A rejection of boundaries. A fear of boundaries. A fear of me and my right to protect myself.

In order to accept me as rational, the labeler would need to accept their entire way of living as irrational. This terrifies them, so they label me as irrational, instead. However, this does not mean I am irrational.

We can accept that someone might label us irrational, but that doesn’t mean that’s what We Are.

Thoughts to ponder, to help you experience more peace in your life. And also, there’s this: Clarity comes when we dare to look at what upsets us instead of running from it.

The 40 Day Abundance Plan

September 20, 2018 by Must Love Crows Leave a Comment

I’ve decided to embark on a 40-day journey to refurbish my beliefs about money.

Why? Because I’ve spent much of my life in a dysfunctional relationship with money. Maybe you can relate. I’ve danced between overspending, never spending, worrying, being careless, and generally just feeling unsettled on a regular basis about the whole idea of money.

I’ve had wonderful blips of clarity and peace about my finances and experienced first hand how quickly I can manifest income when I’ve got my mind and soul in the optimal loop of thought.

But I’ve always ended up in super unhealthy work environments in the process, and then quickly become reacquainted with the ugh-inducing, low vibing realm of, “How will I ever make the money I want to make, doing what I love?”

I’ve seen what the pursuit of money, and money alone, can do to people. I know what it feels like to have your heart broken over and over again by realizing a loved one cares more about money than you. I’ve struggled with accepting the truth living within me in the vicinity of such people, a truth that affirms kindness, love, compassion, and generosity of spirit are more important than the pursuit of a physical, tangible item.

Because of all of the above and then some, I’ve got a suitcase I carry with me that is overpacked with dysfunctional money beliefs, and confusion over how to feel about it. It not only hurts my back (google money issues and back problems) but my heart, and I’d like to permanently unpack it.

I know it’s possible. I’ve witnessed many creatives I admire and respect to the moon and back get out the other end of money issues without sacrificing their wellbeing. Rather, they’ve ended up in an enhanced state of wellness, not only within themselves but in their bank accounts.

So I’m committing to making a shift happen in my subconscious through my 40-day abundance plan. Here’s what it looks like:

Writing out a statement on the first day, affirming what I know the be true about abundance, and what I choose to believe about it moving forward.
Reading a pro-abundance statement every morning.
Meditating about what I’ve read for 15-20 minutes every morning.
Writing down the thoughts that come to me after meditation.
Rinse and repeat x 40 days.

I started the plan this morning and full disclosure, it was super uncomfortable. However, I was grateful for the discomfort because I know from experience that its existence is a sign something is becoming dislodged in my psyche. And I’m VERY excited to see how my feelings transform over the next 40 days.

Side note: I’m not just winging it. I’ve adapted my plan according to what I read in “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price. And here’s a note from me about the book if you decide to google it or purchase it:

There are many references to God in it. If the idea of God freaks your freak, and you immediately get your hackles up, thinking about hyper-religious sects that do a lot of awful stuff in the name of their religious views that they proclaim God determined they must live by, take a breath. Then lower your shoulders, release your fists, and remember this:

God is a complex term for humans to process. There’s a lot of emotion tied to it depending on our experiences with religion. However, a productive way to process the term God when considering abundance, coming from a former judgemental-of-anyone-who-referenced-God human being who didn’t understand or appreciate the idea of us all bowing down to a white dude and denying the power of the female, is to see God as a synonym for universal energy, not as a physical human being.

Money is energy. It’s an extension of our inner world, of our beliefs. So if there is a lack in your outer world, there is a lack within you as well.

I know a bit about this subject. I’ve been researching it and pondering it for years. But my sub-conscious is all, “I’m comfortable being uncomfortable and worrying all the time. I’m not interested in your new ways, even if they are entirely logical and could potentially make life way more enjoyable and beautiful.”

Hence the 40-day plan, to pilfer out the limiting beliefs living in my psyche that are keeping me from the life I’m on the cusp of experiencing. It’s going to take a bit of work to clear out my sub-conscious but I’m hella optimistic that 40 days will do it.

I believe this truth, by John Randolph Price, infinitely: The good of the whole does begin with each individual.

It serves not only me but the world if I’m free of limiting beliefs. So here we go on the 40-day journey.

To peace and abundance, in our inner and outer worlds. See you in 40 days.

PS: Feel free to leave a comment of support. I would be grateful!