From what I can see, I spent much of my life feeling guilty for being human.
I didn’t feel I had the right to use my voice. I didn’t feel I had the right to speak.
When I spoke I was loaded with guilt and shame and fear, which sucked the value from the messages I was trying to deliver.
Couple the fear of speaking out with the shame and embarrassment I felt over the fact that I felt fearful about using my voice, and things got pretty meta. And shitty.
If you don’t speak up people can and will treat you badly. You aren’t able to set boundaries (just learning how to do that now) and you end up creating toxic relationships of every flavour.
Basically, you endlessly suffer.
What birthed the fear of using my voice was the societal belief bullied into my heart, telling me it’s not OK to speak.
Being human entails a lot of gritty, not-so-pretty, imperfect scenarios. EVERYTHING society tells us we cannot be.
Our psyches are layered with ridiculous expectations that constantly remind us that we cannot be that which we are: human.
Women aren’t given the freedom to be human. And to be blunt, it’s fucking bullshit.
Even though it’s Christmas time, and it’s probably more societally appropriate to be writing a post about gratitude (well, trendier at least) I’m going to let myself be pissed off about that for a bit. I’m going to keep it real. And you know why?
Because emotional wounds don’t take breaks – they exist year round.
And because it’s a lot better to be angry about something than taking it on as a deficit of ones personal character.
Anger is empowering; Guilt is minimizing.
I don’t know about you but I’m sick (literally) of not being allowed to be human.
And I’m committed to figuring out a way to be a human being moving forward, without a full-time sack of shame on my back.
To jump-start the journey towards letting go, I’ve been using the following mantra every morning.
It’s a fantastic reminder before I head out into the world every day to be kind to myself.
And it’s helping me learn how to reliably appreciate who I am as a human being.
We need all the strength we can get to encourage ourselves to keep speaking and to keep our hearts open, amongst so many that believe it’s our duty to keep our mouths and our hearts shut.
I’m hopeful it will empower you in all the ways it’s empowering me:
Compassion for Yourself
I want to forgive myself
for reaching for the unreachable star
for being fragile
for being ashamed of my pain
for blaming myself for my misery
for striving after unattainable perfection
for turning against myself along with my persecutor
for closing my heart to myself
for rehashing hurtful accusations others made against me
for not being able to anticipate everything
for hating myself
In short, I want to forgive myself for being human.
– John Monbourquette
Much love, and merry do-whatever-the-hell-you-want-mas, friends. (Read some motivational words on the Christmas season and all its must-do-everything-perfect pressure here.)