Must Love Crows
Letter To A New York Times Best Selling Wellness Writer - must love crows

This morning I saw a post on Instagram by a very well-known author – I’m talking New York Times bestselling wellness writer.

The post pissed me off (more deets on why below) and though I thought about working towards letting it go, I passed on that pretty quick, ’cause my frustration was 40 proof.

I’m not in the business of shunning my feelings. If they are coming up there is a legit reason for them.

I love myself, therefore I value the whole package, even the not-so-societally-celebrated strong feelings.

Most of the time. Wrinkles are hard to embrace at the moment.

I quickly realized my frustration did not warrant trolling, as nothing ever warrants that. But it was something I was willing to write about.

And write about it I did. I formulated a post, and was close to publishing it, when I realized, “Hmm, this isn’t helpful at all.” Writing a post she will never read doesn’t serve anyone, other than my fired up ego (it was blazin.)

If I want any chance of inciting change over an issue I feel strongly about, then I gotta lady-up and write this chick personally.

I have to constructively communicate what I see as being a red flag issue, ie, advice she’s offered that could be potentially detrimental to someone’s mental health.

Never mind that she may never read my message or respond to me or even give a shit about what I have to say. That’s not for me to decide.

I gotta try. And I need to get in the business of being courageous enough to speak on things that aren’t supportive of self-care and mental health advocacy in the wellness industry.

Even the stuff coming from the mouths of the most popular wellness writers in the world.

I need to live up to what my Instagram profile says and BE a mental health and self-care advocate. So I did just that: I wrote her a long form note via Instagram, and this is what it said

Hello <name redacted>. I just read your latest post re: the fan asking what to do about feeling like everyone hates her. I felt the strong pull to communicate my concern over your response, so here goes.

Someone who believes everyone hates them needs therapy. This is distorted thinking as a result of damaging beliefs. “Just be you” is a recipe for a person to feel ashamed of how they feel. “What’s wrong with me, if trying to just be me doesn’t work? I must be a loser. There must be something innately wrong with me…” Enter more shame, more pain, and more distorted thinking.

I appreciate your beautiful intentions to help others while affirming that “just be you” has the ability to minimize a person’s struggle. Healing is not that simple. It takes work. And I get that we are all attached to our pain and we could do with focusing on it less and being more grateful. But we still need to look at our pain. We need to process it.

People need to be validated. The complexity of their pain needs to be heard and understood, particularly for people with mental health disorders like PTSD. BTW, I wonder if this person has PTSD, particularly abandonment-related PTSD. (There is a great book by psychologist Susan Anderson about it.)

And finally, IMHO, “Just Be You” isn’t realistic. It’s the goal, yes, but a sense of self to house new beliefs that help he or she understand and process the feelings that are leading them to believe that everyone hates them is a required precursor to someone being able to follow through on “Just Be You” advice. 

That’s it, that’s all. I thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you. And I hope you have a wonderful day. Andrea

Boom. Speaking up when I feel the need to, 1. Complaining via blog post, 0. 

It might have taken me a lot of therapy and many complaint pieces through my blog to get me here, but the air feels cleaner in Courage-To-Speak-To-Someone-Directly town. So I’m going to stay here. For good.



PS: Guess what? I’m working on personal development material (ugh that sounds so dry – think workbooks that speak to rewriting beliefs that are hurting you) right now.

If you want first grab at them and a freebie in the next week or so, sign up for my weekly, curated with love and unfiltered truth, newsletter. ❤





  1. Ty Reply

    Good letter and are %100 correct in your thinking.

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